Gay Men's Challenges Support Group

Sweet Trouble,

Does sound messy, confusing, frustrating and more! I can't say that I know exactly what you are trying to cope with never been married or lived the lie, but have hide the lie in the past...before coming out.

I feel that you owe to yourself to express your desires and face the facts honestly. You owe it to yourself...life is too short to do other wise. I could say the same for being honest with your wife and family but can't make that call for you.

Think of how much energy you are consuming by living this way on top of life's daily stress'. It would be such a lift to accept and deal with it head on when you feel strong enough to cope with any emotional fall-out that might occur.

Not sure any of this helped you, but know that you're not alone, that you are valued and loved and I'm here if you ever need me!

Westwind: Thanks for the response. I think I understand what you're saying about "a lift" and wish I had it (no pun intended). Life and life's choices sometimes are complex and not black and white. There are pos/neg for either choice. I have to admit I miss the passion and freedom to be myself completely and be with whom I sexually/emotionally prefer, but there are positives about staying married - my wife and I lack romance, yes, but she is truly my best friend and we've started these three little projects together, called kids, and it's an amazingly fulfilling emotion to be part of this team called family that I'm having a hard time thinking of giving up or setting back in some way. I like being here for them 100% of the time. Being married offers me a soft place to land when life gets difficult and my wife accepts me for who I am. I'm not sure what I'll find out there if I were to leave this. I'm not playing the devil's advocate to be unappreciative, I'm just trying to be honest with some difficult elements of a decision like this. It doesn't just affect me, and it's not all about me. Believe me, I really wish it was and do crave the idea of leaving. It just isn't that easy of a step. I know I'm rambling, but lastly, I just can't stand watching the decision/s I make emotionall hurt the people I've grown to care about. How do I be noble and fair to myself at the same time? Dilemma. For now, I just keep busy. Thanks for letting me ramble. SweetTrouble.

westwind,

I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't refer his situation as a "lie". That's just hurtful and a rather "All-or-nothing" response to someone who struggles with coming to terms with his sexuality. After all he did say he was monogamous. Looking and feeling this is not a "lie". It is part of finding your own way. It may seem to you to be a lie - but he's acknowledged this issue to himself and he's trying to work it out.

He's in a very delicate situation and clearly has invested a lot of emotion and time in the relationship with his wife and children. Relationships he'd like to continue - I assume. I struggle every day with a similar situation (albeit no children). I HAVE told my wife and it has added another layer of complication. We have both decided it's best we go our separate ways - but when you have that much history together, joint finances, mutual friends, a mortgage, etc. it isn't something you can just toss into the garbage like a used condom. There is no valid reason to destroy 5 lives just to get your rocks off. His concern for his situation tells me he's authentically trying to find a way to make things work for everyone. I offer any support I can. It's not easy. there is no way I've found for it not to hurt. Hurting the people you love has been the hardest part of my coming out.

It's not a "lie". Turn off the Oprah-responses and listen to what he's saying.

i was married twice when I was 21 I was married she asked to move in with me and I said yes. then I had one bf while single and decided to someone else, the second marriage ended quite badly after 8 years. I did not have kids we were adopting and she messed that all up by letting me think she wanted the kids too. 9,000.00 later and no kids after paying for them. After she did this it was pretty much over. At some point I told her I was gay. She was not a happy camper.

If I had kids and a nice wife, I guess I would have to settle for a few close male friends that were platonic.

In the end we have to do what is right for us. Look inward and really look at what we want and what would happen with the choices we make. Esp. when children are involved.

I don't know where to begin with this one! You and I are in the same boat! I agree that there's so much more to consider here than "being true to yourself" (I guess that's one of those Oprah-responses L8bloomer mentioned...LOL). It sounds to me like you would miss your kids and family life very much if you decided to leave, and I'm sure they'd miss you too. I believe it takes a lot more strength and character to stand by your family and the decisions you made when you got married, than to "express your desires" or "face the facts honestly". I know from experience that it's painful to give up something you've always dreamed about, but for what it's worth....I think you're doing the right thing!

On another note: From my own experience in this particular Support Group, I would advise you to take everything you see and read with a grain of salt. I don't believe the majority of the men understand your position or would agree with the thoughts and conclusions we've expressed here. At times I've felt rejected and shunned by some of them because of my marriage...I rejoined this group just so I could comment on your discussion. Of course there are exceptions like L8bloomer (he's a great guy) and emjaykay.

Let's talk soon. Good Luck!

I too have experienced a fair amount of rejection from some gay guys I've discussed this with. Once I explain my situation getting called a liar is a common reaction. Telling the truth is important to me and to get called a liar for doing it hits below the belt. Unless you came out of the womb with rainbow skin and the word "Fag" tattooed on your forehead ALL gay guys have found it necessary to conceal or deny what's really going on inside.

In time things will change. I'm actively taking steps to make that happen. I'll repeat it's not easy. But emotionally speaking - it's one of the best things I've done. I'm moving again. Not fast, but at least moving. There is no one-size-fits-all solution. Especially when kids are involved. Be sensitive to them and continue to be the best dad you can be. I say this because I feel it will help YOU in the long run. There IS a middle way - you just have to search for it.

keep talking with other men who have been where you are, I know I was.

none of this is easy I am glad you starte the discussion in the hopes you learn what you need to do in your situation. We cannot tell you what you need to do. But we can support your decision and honor it too. I am here behind you holding part of you up in the hopes that you come up doing ok.

Hope your weekend is great.

Thank you everyone for your support and feedback. Sorrow I took so long to respond (I've been offline for a while). I do truly appreciate your listening ears and sharing similar struggles. Kudos and best wishes for all of you and every life's struggles you are going through. Sincerely, Sweettrouble.

Hello, Been there done all that. I did manage to leave my wife after just a short 6yrs. We had one daughter age 2. My biggest regretes in life are #1 got married in the first place and #2 I let "me" effect those I truely care for my ex and my daughter. I guess my answer to this question is the wife is she young enough she can replace you? and second are the kids young enough they can except you? being if they are young, dad mom just got "D", life goes on. My ex will spend probably the rest of her life single but my daughter is young enough she is past all the gay stuff. My guilt is where the current problem lies its taken me a long long time to move on. But if you wait til the kids are grown, leave mom, you may loose them too. PLus she deserves a chance to move on. Hope this helps

Sweet T... you are in a pickle. Why can't you leave your wife?...do you still love her? Are you neglecting her needs? Is she depressed too? Lots of things you need to consider. Can she handle the truth? In other words, does she know you are homosentimental?(wanting to sleep with a man, but not really doing it). In my opinion(doesn't mean you have to listen)you should have a conversation about it. Let her know how you feel. It will be bad in the beginning, but after a long while, it may get better. Who knows your love for her may become even stronger...let me know how it goes.