Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as f...
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need advice PLEASE
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Hi everyone. I am not a gambler myself, but my sister is and I really would love some advice. See most of my family gambles (slots) in Atlantic City and although they go about a couple times a month, they don't really have a problem (at least I don't think). But my sister does, and it seems that although my fam is concerned for her they gamble too so I guess they feel they can't say anything.
What I want to know is if I am just blowing her problem out of porportion, sometimes I feel like maybe it's just me. My sister is 38 and has a good job making pretty good money. She is single and lives with my parents in their small house. She has filed for bankruptcy in the past, and had an apartment for a few years but then has lived with my parents for a few years now, with no plans to move out. Other than gambling she is pretty responsible and leads a normal life. She has been gambling for years now, and I would say she goes to AC 2 or 3 times a week. (She works nights so she can't go more than 4 or so nights). She never says how much she spends, but she is constantly saying she is broke and obviously does not have enough money for a place of her own. She pays her bills but then has NO savings whatsoever. She will go to AC and literally sit in front of a machine for like 8 hours, never doing anything else. I have talked to her and she said she knows she has a problem but she enjoys it so why shouldn't she have fun. She always says she will go less often but never does. She also jokes about it, if one of us makes a comment like,"this is your 4th time this week..." she'll laugh and say, oh well I have a problem. Also, she goes to AC with my single aunt who also obviously has a problem and I guess they encourage each other, always calling saying, you want to go tonight??? I know my sis must be lonely, and I guess this has become her "hobby". Sorry this is so long but I am concerned and no one in my fam ever wants to cause trouble so they stay quiet. I feel it is disrespectful of her to live in my parents home and blow all her money without at least helping them. They would sure like to have their house to themselves!! Am I just being dramatic since she technically does lead a functioning life? I know no one can stop a gambler unless they want to themselves, but I guess I just want to know if I should give up or not. Should I just let it go? Should I just mind my business? My family is very close and I love my sister and just want to do what's right. Please help - thank you so much. Posted on 06/22/08, 07:06 pm |
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RJS1980, your right it does sound like she has a problem, but your also right in saying no one can stop unless they want to. Sounds like you also have the added problem of family enablers with everyone going together. I really don't think you can do any more than you have, you talked to her she knows it is messing up her life but doesn't want to quite. When she does hit a bottom and wants to stop, she needs to get to a GA meeting. If you live so close to AC there are probably a lot in your area. I think it will do no good until she makes the decision herself and wants to stop. Maybe you could get her some literature, but push too hard and she will probably just stop telling you about it. 
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I really don't understand what you want to do about your sister's problem. She admkits to having a problem, even if she laughs about it. You are absolutely right, you can't make her quit. That is something she unfortunately must do on her own. Hopefully she will before it's too late or too much damage is done. The only thing I would suggest is to maybe spend time with her inviting her to do other things other than gambling. I wish you luck and tthink you are great for trying to help her.
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thank you guys. Unfortunately that is what I figured I would hear but didn't want to... that there is nothing I can do. I guess I just want to "fix" what is wrong and that is impossible. No magical answer!
I think from now on when she jokes about it and my family just smiles, I will say, "I know you really do have a problem and I am here if you need me." At least I won't be enabling her or just doing nothing.
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I agree with everyone else and with you too. There's not much you can do other than maybe express your concerns. I like the idea that you won't be an enabler to her. Just let her know that you are there for her when and if she's ever ready to truly face her addiction. Maybe suggest she visit this site and do some reading. I wish you the best of luck and you and your family are in my prayers. You are truly a good sister for wanting to help her. Peace and Love. Patty
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You seem to already know that you need to stop enabling her. Can you talk to other family members, or your parents and see if they are willing to stop enabling also. If she needed the money to survive, she would learn quickly to face the problem. True, there is no way to force someone to stop, but letting them know just how bad the problem is can be a good thing. It can force them to see reality instead of the fantasy world they are living in front of the machines. Believe me, I know. If I had someone else taking care of me, I would probably be in front of said machines now. I am very glad that I am not. My life is not perfect, but it is much better without gambling. I wish the best for you and your family.
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Purplecat-- thank you for your advice, it is true that if my sis was forced to have a place of her own she probably couldn't afford it with her addiction and that would force her to see her problem in a true light. But my parents would never say anything, they are the type to never make waves. But sometimes you have to!! I am the only one in my family like this though.
What you said is so true- she lives in a fantasy world... she always says how great her life is, she can do what she wants when she wants to, but I know she is hiding a deeper unhappiness. I definately think I will tell her about this group because even if she's not ready to stop gambling maybe hearing other's stories will bring her back to reality.... thank you so much
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You have to be careful how you approach the situation with your sis....saying things and dropping 'hints' won't get you anywhere, and if you do it in front of someone, you are going probably just push her farther into gambling.....She has to want to quit for herself, and obviously she doesn't see any reason to move out on her own...its not your place to tell her to leave your parents house, its theirs and unfortunately, until they do something about it, there isn't a whole lot that you can do......
You can suggest that she come here, perhaps even show her the website, but be careful how 'helpful' you are trying to be, cause it can backfire right in your face...the last thing an active addict wants to hear is that they have a problem...chances are she knows she does, but until she hits bottom and is ready, what you say will be falling on deaf ears.......like the others said, why not offer to do something with her that doesn't include going to the casino, like hey sis, how about a movie and dinner, or how about going shopping....it never hurts to try it from that angle... I'm sure there are underlying issues, but they are her issues, and until she decides to confront them, no sense even speculating...its really hard for someone who has never been addicted to gambling to understand how the mind of the compulsive gambler works, or doesn't work....it might be a good idea for you to check in to the group here on DS that is for friends and family of addicts, or check with your local gamblers anonymous chapter for the Gam Anon meeting schedule in your area...it might be helpful for you...
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Personally, I think it's up to the individual to come to the realization they have a problem. I know I'm not in a position to determine who is and who isn't a CG, I only know that I am. Your concern for your sister and your parents is genuine, that comes through loud and clear in your posting. If your sister isn't ready to seriously admit she is a compulsive gambler, then she's just not ready, yet. She hasn't hit her rock bottom. And it would be up to your parents to let her know if they want her out of the house, it's there house, no one else can tell them what to do. I guess you have to give her time, that's all. Until she wants help, no one can help her. I feel for you, how awful it must be to sit by while you watch your sis blow her money away...her very survival. Take care.
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Thanks for the advice, I realize now there is nothing I can really do at this point. But I'm glad I found that out because I was worried that i could help but didn't know how. It seems there is a thin line between helping and hindering.
Unfortunately I know that my sister will never hit rock bottom because my parents will always take care of her. (which sounds like a good thing but maybe not...) So she will always have extra money to gamble with and will always have security if she is in debt. Thanks for listening, at least I feel better knowing there is nothing I could have done but didn't.... I'm sure you all have plenty of family/friends who went through some of this worrying... please know that it all came from genuine love and concern from you... best of luck to all of you... I can't imagine how hard it must be... I may join a Family of Gamblers group, at least to help myself. Thanks and love and luck to all!!
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Thanks for the advice, I realize now there is nothing I can really do at this point. But I'm glad I found that out because I was worried that i could help but didn't know how. It seems there is a thin line between helping and hindering.
Unfortunately I know that my sister will never hit rock bottom because my parents will always take care of her. (which sounds like a good thing but maybe not...) So she will always have extra money to gamble with and will always have security if she is in debt. Thanks for listening, at least I feel better knowing there is nothing I could have done but didn't.... I'm sure you all have plenty of family/friends who went through some of this worrying... please know that it all came from genuine love and concern from you... best of luck to all of you... I can't imagine how hard it must be... I may join a Family of Gamblers group, at least to help myself. Thanks and love and luck to all!!
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