Sexual dysfunction or sexual malfunction is difficulty during any stage of the sexual act (which includes desire, arousal, orgasm, and resolution) that prevents the individual or c...
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I'm Not Attracted to My Husband
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I underwent Gastric Bypass Surgery a little over two years ago. I lost the majority of my weight in the first 7-8 months, so for the past year or so, I have been adjusting to the "new me" as well as some physiological issues I didn't see coming. Point 1: I have ZERO sexual desire and have had ZERO sexual desire now for almost two years. I talked to my doctors about this and they all said this is COMPLETELY NORMAL being that my body was going through huge hormonal and chemical changes. They also said that it would eventually taper off and I'd be back to normal. Well, here I am two years out and things are not normal. Now that I can't blame my lack of libido on my surgery, what can I blame it on? I mean, what's the REAL issue here?
Because of my weightloss, I am now receiving all kinds of (unsolicited) attention from people other than my husband. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I mean, I dismiss it immediately and make sure everyone knows I am married. I feel better about myself since the weight loss - I look and feel better than ever! But, even with that being said, I'm still not interested in having sex with my husband. What is wrong with me?!?! I'm just never in the mood... at least, not with him. Okay, so now to complicate matters... about four months ago I met someone and I have never felt this kind of sexual chemistry with anyone else in my life (well, except maybe one other person). It's like, I've been awoken from a deep slumber. It's like, all I have to do is look into their eyes and I can't keep my hands to myself. The big kicker is... this person is a woman; a girl, really. She's 18. What the heck?!? I mean, I'm so confused! Here I thought it's my libido suffering... but now I'm fearful that it might be deeper than that. It might be something I can't fix. If I CAN get excited and turned on to sex with HER, why can't I with my husband? Now, it's like, no longer my libido in question... it's my head. So... I'm confused. I mean, my sex drive has been dormant for like two years until all of a sudden this girl comes onto me. And before you go there, I'm not a lesbian. I'm not. I'd have no problem if I was. I just know I'm still very much attracted to men - just (unfortunately) not to my husband. Why is this? What's changed? What happened? Will it come back? Is it the girl? It it me? Is it my weight loss? Is it something else? I need to figure this out. I want to be with my husband. I am in love with him. I want to remain married to him - but I also want a healthy sex life. Has anyone else experienced a strong sexual connection with people OTHER than your spouse and NOT your spouse? Were you able to get that spark back with your spouse? Am I doomed to live a life of marital bliss but sexual death? Please... any advice at all. My therapist told me I had to END things with this girl completely or she wouldn't see me as a patient anymore. That she would refer me to someone else and strongly recommend my husband to leave me. I know in my heart that is what I have to do in order to focus on my marriage, but it's a lot easier said than done. She is my friend, not just my lover. It's very, very complicated. Okay... so... Here I am. Let me have it. Posted on 01/23/08, 12:01 pm |
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I kind of agree with the therapist. If all you had done is fantasize with this woman, then I would say you can have your cake and eat it too. But i am assuming from what you say that things have already gotten physical. So just my two cents, but you either need to choose to stay with your hubby and give her up, completely. Or be honest with your hubby and let him know of this attraction. If you do want to stay with him, you need to have a very frank discussion with him, I wouldn't mention this other woman, but let him know that you love him, but are having trouble with the libido. See if he will go with you into marriage therapy. And by the way, I would go to a different therapist. This one should be your advocate, not your mother. 
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Oh, let me clarify... My husband knows about the girl. He knows everything. We have very open communication. He also knows I have no desire to be with him sexually right now, but I do have a desire to be with her. This doesn't help his already waining self-esteem. So, add guilt to my confusion and devastation.
My husband has no problem with my bisexuality. He's known about it from the beginning, however this was different... I fell in love with her. Male or Female, that was not okay with him - and rightfully so. I wouldn't be okay if the shoe was on the other foot. He's been incredibly supportive and sensitive to my needs and feelings through all of this. I mean, he's been way too good to me in all of this. Which makes me feel even guiltier for even WANTING someone else in the slightest way. I cannot explain it. She is more than a lover... she is my best friend. I'm not just losing an incredible lover, but a friend, too. That is the hardest part. I question if this therapist is the right one for me, too. Only time will tell. I go back to see her tomorrow. She said she wouldn't see me if I hadn't cut things off with the girl by then. So, today was the day... I am devastated. I am really questioning if I can get through this... Thanks for your feedback. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.
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I'm sure this is very painful and confusing...from my experience, marital bliss without sexual attraction is friendship, and doesn't really work long term when sexual attraction if felt outside the marriage. Good luck, be true to yourself.
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Hey, I read some of your profile, i see that you were sexually abused. I also was sexually abused and sometimes that causes problems for me. you said that you lost a lot of weight, is your husband really big? Maybe you feel more attractive than him or something.
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