This community is dedicated to parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives, friends and caretakers of cancer patients. The purpose of this community is to help families and fr...
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Today we learned that my father has only a few days left. He now has cancer in his bladder, intestine, kidneys, colon and prostate. He had prostate cancer back in 98 but beat it-THANKFULLY. Now he is not so lucky. His kidneys have shut down and he has stopped passing urine, he is unable to pass gas or anything else due to a tumor on his intestine-not letting anything through. He also has fluid on his lungs and an infection in his abdomen that is as this point under control. The doctors are not sure how long they can control the infection but with all his other problems they're not hopeful. I get it, I know my dad is dying. I said everything to him today that I wanted him to know-"I am so blessed to have you as a father and I love you very much. Thank you for loving me even though you didn't have to." I know the end is near and yet I don't feel like I have any feelings. What is wrong with me? I want to cry but I just can't. Instead I am asking my mother questions like" Did you get insurance on the house in the event of a death it would be covered? Did you get insurance on the car for the same thing? How much is owed on the house? Are all the bills and bank accounts in both your names so nothing needs to be closed out?" Yesterday I had the priest come to dads room to get a living will and a P.O.A. done. Dad isn't even gone yet and here I am being an unemotional bitch. What is wrong with me? I am only trying to help my mom but I think I am hurting her as well-meanwhile all my family is looking at me like I am some monster. I just want my mom to be able to deal with his death in peace and not a bunch of headaches later. What do I do?
Posted on 03/26/08, 11:03 pm |
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You and your family are going through much difficulty. My prayers and hugs are with you all. Thank You so much for sharing.
What you are feeling is quite normal. As the stress of an event comes upon us-and the impending death of a loved one is a very stressful event, our body goes into a defensive mode. That defensive mode many times is one where we do not show emotion. It is our body protecting us partially from the event. I myself have cancer and I am slowly dying. I am a registered nurse and a former hospice nurse. So I have some personal experiences to be of help to me and hopefully others. It is OK how you are feeling. Hug your dad. If he is able to respond to you-you may also wish to ask him if there is anything he wishes to say to you. I am glad you shared with him how you feel about him. The last sense to go on someone is their hearing-so at some point if he cannot respond back to you-he may very much hear you-so always let him know how much you love him. I encourage you to seek support with your family and friends. You mentioned a priest. A priest or someone from your faith community may be of help to you as well as to you father, so if appropriate please share with a priest, chaplain or similar person what you are feeling and going through. Big hugs and prayers from me to you. -Art 
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abq said it quite eloquently. Some of us are the pillars of strength when a loved one is slipping away. Not until we feel "safe" do we let go.
You are a good daughter who loves her family very much. Your father is so blessed to have you near. Prayers to you and keep sharing... Kathy
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Hi! I am proud of you. This must be hard but you are doing everything necessary to help you in the event that this happens. Just don't ask to much of her. If she starts to get aggitated, talk about something else. You are blessed. When my husband died there was not time to ask these things. I am deeply saddened. Hang in there.
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Dear, you are just doing everything you can to help your mom and ensure that when the time comes she and the rest of your family will have time to grieve rather than try to deal with everything that WILL get pushed to the back burner for awhile. You are not an unnnemotioal bitch. Much love and kudos forbeing so strong in a time of such anxiety.
You hang in there!
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I understand where you are coming from Buck. My father is also dieing of cancer, stage 4 lung cancer which is now all over his body.
I dont know if you have siblings or not, but I dont and becuase of that I feel extra responsible for my parents well being. Some people dont understand what it is like to deal with your parents estate and to make life changing decisions for them. I have power of attorney over both my parents and years ago had them put their home in my name for just this purpose. Someone has to keep a cool enough head to make sure all the details get taken care of and that the parent who keeps living has something to live on! If everyone just cried all day, and dont get me wrong, I have done that also, then a lot would go missed and undone and make life harder once the parent with cancer dies. I hate death and I HATE cancer, but I also know that when this is done my mom will still need to have a home, money to keep living and someone to take care of her. That someone for my mom just happens to be me and I am both stressed out and grateful for this. I wish you the peace you need and the cool head to make the tough choices coming up for you.
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