A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur continually, leading other members to accomm...
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Me and my sister
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My sister called me last night to confront me and let me know that she thinks I do not love her because I am short with her at times. She has been married 3 times. 1st husband was a great guy she said that he played mind games and started to date a guy she met in a bar before she even mentioned divorce to her 1st husband (he was crushed and it took him a long time to deal with it). She moved in with the second guy 2 months after she left her 1st husband and dated him for 4 years then they married. During this marriage there were major financial issues (literally, no money at times). They had a daughter together and were together for a total of 13 years. She said that he was verbally mean and she couldn't take it anymore and that she should have stayed with her 1st husband who she admitted never played mind games she just didn't love him and only married him to get out of our parents house. Prior to coming out with that statement her husband had brought a friend home one evening and introduced him to my sister. This guy and my sister became fast friends and she decided to leave her 2nd husband. She packed up and moved into my parents house (ironic, isn't it). She lived with them for a year while internet dating and neglecting her daughter (my parents raised my niece while my sister searched for a new husband). She finally met "the one" and moved in with him after 4 months and then married him all within a year (he's an admitted alcoholic). She is now ecstaticly happy (and I am happy for her). Where my real problem lies is that she blames her childhood for all of the choices she's made in her life. Our father was very hard to live with and our mother worked night shift so it was up to her to make sure that we did as we were told. She says that she never had the chance at a childhood and that is why she has made mistakes. My brother and I were the ones that were hit with a metal fly swatter when we were to loud. She never had the "pleasure" of feeling the fly swatter. Should she be scarred for life because of bossing us around and use that as a constant excuse for her choices? I have no lasting effects from the many welts I experienced in my childhood and have never felt it necessary to use that as an excuse for anything I may have done. As for being short with her, most of the time it is because she can be very dominate in her opionions and what it is that she wants to do at any given time no matter if somebody else may have a different suggestion. Example: My whole family went on vacation in Maine last summer, it was up to me to book the house and make sure everything was in order. I did this with excitement and enthusiasm. When we checked-in we decided on bedrooms, with me very worried about the fact that we had one of the nicer ones and the problems that it may cause, but it was determined that my kids would stay in the section that was able to be closed up because they went to bed the earliest (they were 5 and 2). The bedroom we stayed in was right next to that area and the other end of the house had 3 bedroom one for my sister and her husband, one for her daughter and one for her stepsons. Just as I had predicted she had a major problem with the arrangement of their bedroom, because she didn't want to have her immediate family so close to them. She proceeded to make the vacation miserable for me by not really talking to me and being very standoffish with me. This problem with the bedroom came up on the phone last night as an example of my bossiness and controlling personality. I admit that I do definelty have some control issues, but I had aired my worry to my mother in Maine and she said that my sister did not have a problem with the sleeping arrangements. I am somewhat afraid of my sister and her reactions to things and try to be very careful with what I say or do, so that I do not cause any friction. At her daughters birthday party last year I was even afraid to ask her for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for my son, because I kind of knew she would get angry that he didn't want any of the food on the table. So, I asked and as predicted she got snippy and I got snippy back and she said to me, and I quote "you don't have to be a b#&$*! about it". Am I wrong or is that something that is really uncalled for? It hurt my feelings and made me cry that she would say something so crass to me and call me that name. During the conversation on the phone I had a hard time pulling things out of the air that she did to create any nasty behavior on my part, I do not do well under pressure. I know that I am not perfect not by a long shot, but what truly bothers me is that she doesn't see or want to hear that she is also controlling and bossy to the point that she offends people, not just family. How do I deal with this and get past the fact that she truely believes that I am at fault for every problem?
Posted on 02/02/07, 04:02 pm |
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It seems like she is the one with the issue and not you. The fact that she blames her childhood on her problems is simply an excuse she uses to put a guilt trip on you and probably everyone around her. (I must admit, I used to do that so I know). Based on her personal history, she is an unstable person and always kind of tries to find a scapegoat. She blames the world for her problems but does not take a good hard look in the mirror. It appears you can't have a conversation since she get so upset and has such a dominating opinion. Try writing her a letter and explain everything from scratch, your faults, where you think you can improve and also her faults. Do not send an email but type a letter out and mail it to her. If she wants to respond to this with understanding and chooses to resolve the issues, thats great, and if not, then simply ignore her until she calls you. She will find herself missing you and will be the first one to call.
I had a problem with my younger sister who is very depressed and feels my mother loves me more than her. She thinks my mom wants to go places with me and not with her. Recently she asked my mom to go eat dessert with her at a restaurant and when my mother declined, she burst into tears (she is only 17) and told her she would go with me had I asked her. And this is true, my mother would have gone with me. It really bothers my sister when me and mom talk. sometimes i go into her room and we just lay on the bed and talk and when she comes in she gets really upset. I had to fix the situation so now I am just a little more careful of talking to my mom or showing her alot of affection when she is around. I also have made it a point to spend more time with her, tell her daily that I love her and make it a point that the 3 of us do things together. I know its not the same as your situation but maybe you can even try stuff like that with her, be extra extra sweet, things you would not normally do, and see how she responds to that too. I hope it works out for you. 
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