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Anxious (me) dating BP (him) = :(
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** I've been making all the effort with my bp boyfriend over the past 2 months and I'm completely exhausted. I 'cracked' on Tues and well, it seems that he's not able to handle me not being "strong"...
I suffer from anxiety and well, I know I have my 'issues' of intimacy. I've been trying to work on it for such a long time... I posted another little comment on another thread about holding back...not calling/texting and just wait for the bp loved one to be the one to make the move... Everytime I call my bp boyfriend, I seem to lose a little of my self-respect... esp. when the call isn't as positive as I want it to be. I've been dating my guy for about 3 months and heck it's been a whirlwind. I have other posts about it and most people told me a few months ago to just cut and run. I'm not sure if we are going to make it, but I KNOW that this is a huge wake-up call for me to start taking care of myself. Jeez, here I am... so concerned with Chris (that's his name), I love him so much and I'm totally neglecting myself. The only person I can truly blame is me. I think I come at this with "I'd want someone to be there for me through thick and thin, so I'm going to do the same..." - but I'm sacrificing too much of myself (he's even saying now that he thinks that I need to take care of me and that he'd have more respect and love me more if I did that). I call because I want to feel the love from him and he's not able to give it right now. He's in a christian rehab centre for the next 3 - 10 months. He went in about 2 weeks ago and it's pretty intensive. I called every day since about a week ago (when he was able to start calling people)...but on Tueday night when I called, I absolutely lost it. I was crying... not making much sense... He kept asking me what the problem was and got frustrated because I couldn't define that one specific reason. I know that I'm just exhausted... emotionally drained and with other things that don't involve him going on in my life, it's all coming down on me and I feel it's time for me to get the TLC that he's been getting from me for so long. I didn't call last night (first time) and well, surprise surprise... he didn't call. What did I do? Opened a bottle of wine and drank almost all of it. No, I wasn't upset or sad... watched some tv and then went to sleep... I can't seem to concentrate on work today though... just want to read other people's posts... see how the AMAZINGLY STRONG friends, family and loved ones of bps are doing... and send some mental prayers and thoughts their way. I guess I've seen the way that Chris seems to be 'fine' with not talking to people for a long time... - his mum, sister and cousin...he stopped talking to about a month ago. The only way that he'll talk to them is if they call him. His auntie, whom he's the closest to... he calls her MAYBE once every few weeks... - it drives her crazy because she'll call him and he'll say "I'll call you tomorrow." Tomorrow comes and he doesn't call. He's done this to me a few times, so I just don't even wait to be disappointed and just give him a ring. He seems to be happy to hear from me, but man, my 'melt-down' on tues. seemed to freak him out (hell, why can't I HAVE A MELT DOWN once in a while???) He seems to be able to have them whenever he wants (and expects other people to deal with it). It's time to start focusing on myself. I'm actually really lucky, I know. I don't have a lot of years invested in this yet AND I'm also trying to take responsibility... to stop those anxious obsessions...calling for reassurance... and start just reassuring myself that I'm doing the best I can right here...right now and will do even better tomorrow. Thanks for reading. Anyone else ever feels this way... feel free to post! Posted on 05/15/08, 02:05 pm |
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Believe me I know exactly what you are talking about, and have had almost identical experiences and feelings with my boyfriend.
I found out about the bp after the first 6 months of being together and also got told by quite a few people to quit and run, but I didn't and I won't pretend that it's been easy, it's a very tough road with lots of bumps, twists and turns, but I'm still here. I also know how hard it is when you are constantly supporting him through his ups and downs, but when it's your turn to shed some tears he doesn't seem to understand why, I've been there too, you're not alone honestly. And the love you show to him he is not able to return right now because he is feeling too bad about himself. The one thing that you can be grateful for is that he knows how bad things have got for him and he is getting the help that he needs, that is a big step that he's taken. I've learned from being on this site though and listening to my friends here that you really do have to start looking after yourself. It's hard I know when you're feeling so down, and I don't always take my own advise, but please take care, try to keep as busy as possible, eat sensibly, talk to friends at home and on here, it will help I promise, it's helped me more than I can say. Remember that you can feel free to message me anytime, if you are feeling low, want to vent to someone or just want a chat. I do understand. 
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Hey.. I was wondering what happened to you.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. Do you remember me from when we started talking in February? That was when my ex bf got out of the hospital and completely shut me out. We've spoken once since then.. and now he never responds to any of my texts, emails, or calls. It hurts.. I know your upset because right now you have to be the initiator, but be prepared. As he progresses in therapy, he might not respond at all. For me, I was so hurt and angry because I was there through all the crap.. the drinking.. the binge... the suicide attempt.. and then he finally sobers up and seems to start getting it back together- and then he closes me out?? If he's in for 3-10 months.. you desperately need to work on YOU. It's not easy.. but we're all on here for each other. I've tried to look at the other side of this... while I'm angry and hurt- I'm sure it is BETTER for me this way. I am trying to get my act together. Hopefully if/when he contacts me again-I will be much stonger and more informed about what I'm getting into.
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Hi Serenity,
I, too, have been wondering how you've been doing. And LulaMae, when you came on, your situation reminded me very much of Serenity. I am going to be brutally honest here. Serenity, I think Chris's issues go waaaaay beyond simply BP. He has serious drug issues and I really think he may fit the definition of Sociopath. He does not feel remorse or guilt or obligation to anyone. He may express some guilt, when expressing it might help him manipulate sympathy out of someone, but his actions don't indicate true remorse. He is now in a theraputic setting, where he can get professional help. Until or unless he has some long term changes under his belt, he is not a good candidate to be in a committed relationship with. He has too much work to do on himself to even expect him to be capable of giving back to you. He knows this. Now is the time for you to concentrate you yourself. Please get into some counseling, and find a local support group. It could be a women's support group, or anxiety support group, etc. But you need to find out why you are willing to be mistreated in the name of "love." Think of it this way... if Chris stays in therapy for a good long time, and really works at it and gets well, and at the same time, you fall apart and are not doing well... that won't work either. No matter the outcome of your relationship with him, YOU need to be strong for YOU! I'm glad you're back!
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Serenity, That could have been me writing your post. I have been the caretaker and the one that wants communication. It hurts when it is not reciprocated. I am learning right now that I need to feel good about me outside of my relationship with my wife. I so much needed her assurance that everything will be alright. I would call in the the hospital just hoping she would act like she was glad to hear from me. So many times I was treated like an inconvienence. But Im learning not to be so self-centered. She is in the hospital to work on herself and she can't be concerened with me right now. I need to work on me.
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Hi everyone... thanks for checking up on me. I'm going to join a local Al-anon group in my city next week. I prob. should have joined one a long time ago (due to my lovely childhood upbringing and the ensuing unhealthy relationships that followed). I'll keep you updated on MY progress and will look you all up as well... We should be taking care of ourselves more... If we did, we prob. wouldn't feel so... lost? :) Have a wonderful weekend!
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