Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

JL - I feel your pain. I spent a lot of time reading some of the posts and talking to people in the Alcoholism group. One thing they kept saying is that YOU have to be selfish. You have to do what's right for you. I can't tell you what that is but I think that you already know. I am/was dating a woman in recovery but I am continually told to let her go. If she comes back we're better off for it. If your ex'bf comes back clean and sober you'll be better off for it. I read your post and I think you know what you want to do. I say do it. YOU are not bringing him down. You are not his problem or his trigger. You are not here to fix him, you can't. Have I mentioned you at all? You should mention you. You are not damned if you don't. Think selfish. It hurts, it's hard, you'll feel ripped apart at times but you have to do what's right for you.
Have strength in yourself and do what's not only in your heart but more importantly what's in your gut! Good luck and take God's strength with you. Say a prayer for your ex' everyday and leave it at that.

This is one of those moments when you have to let go, and HE has to deal with the consequences, which is that he has now given you even more justifiable cause to detach from him.

The person you need to ask "What the F about me?? and how I feel," is yourself. What about you and YOUR feelings. YOU are the one who has to think of YOU. He is not the only one who puts him first, so do you.

He lives in "poor me world" and wants you to live in "poor him world" too. Got news for him, its not easy living with the consequences of his actions for YOU either. Its not easy for anyone to deal with the consequences of their actions, but its called being responsible, being an adult. It's hard to be you, too. Its hard to be me. Its hard for everyone.

He won't change unless you do. If you change, you will be taking care of yourself. This way, your OK whether he is or not.

Good luck to you. I know this is hard. It is better to be single than part of an unhealthy duo.

Hi Jenny,
I understand exactly how you feel. I was just there a couple of weeks ago when my boyfriend called and he told me he is going over his grandmother's to visit her. (He had stole pills from her a week before that). It all happened so quick... I told him I didn't think it was a good idea, he still went, and of course, he stole pills and got high.
I understand your anger and your frustration. I don't know much about your relationship with your boyfriend so I dont know how much I can help, but here are some of my thoughts.
You think it's not a good idea for him to go there. I agree. Did you say that to him? I don't think it's wrong to express your opinion. But if you do it, wait until you calm down and do it in a nice loving way, this way you won't cause a fight and also you won't feel guilty after.

But even more important... you say he begs you not to leave him... at the same time, he said 'he forgot' about your date. I would say he's kinda contradicting himself. I'm sure you were hurt by that. Do you think you deserve that? What would you like? Try to forget about him for a second. What would you like? Would you like to have your date with him? Are you hurt that he forgot about it? I believe that if you do think about this, you will find that you are hurt and dissapointed.

Do you think you would be able to let him know how you feel? It would make feel you better because at least you are letting it out. Also, you are letting him know how you feel and then he can make his decisions.

Why be quiet? Why be angry hurt and quiet? I think you deserve more than that and I think he is very lucky to have somebody like you in his life. It's not easy loving an addict.

I know you're probably thinking.. he's having a hard time... I don't wanna make it worse... Of course he's gonna have bad days. Getting sober is not easy. But that is NOT your responsibility and NOT your problem. It is his. You can love and be supportive, but you also have to take care of you.
And remember: nothing of what you say and do will make his use. If he wants to stay sober and will, no matter what. You are powerless over his disease. You can't cure him.. which I"m sure you already know, and you also can't make him use. We're not that powerful...
I can't tell you if you should break up with him or not. I think that is something that you will feel in your heart, it it's the right thing to do. And when or if the moment comes, you will know for sure.
Until then, try to take care of yourself. Dont put yourself second, you are just as important as he is in this relationship. It's not easy to be him, but it's not easy to be you either. If you do talk to him, try to remember that he is sick and try to do it in a nice way, and tell him how you feel, at the same time, be ferm and don't let him change your mind. Lots and lots of hugs. Stay strong. You will be ok.

I agree with the others. You are making good decisions by putting boundries in place. You just need to stick to them.

Thanks guys. I can't tell you how much your support and advice has helped me this past month. I feel so blessed to have found this site and all of you. The old me wouldn't have been able to vent to you and would have called him and had a drama filled extended phone call. Exactly what we don't need. My heart is filled with love for all of you who have reached out and supported me and others. Thank You.