Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

You are right, you are beating a dead horse. I grew up with an alcoholic family. My father went to rehab when I was 10. Now before that time I thought it was NORMAL! HA. It's not normal. When we went to rehab was the first time he was set to 'make amends'. He kept telling me he was sorry for hurting me. Back then I couldn't understand what he had done to hurt me. Yes I went to bed crying every night, yes he argued with my mom and older brother constantly, YES a drink was always the first thing he got when he walked through the door, but I did not get that this was hurting me.

Now as an adult, I realize how much it all affected me. I am living with an alcoholic. I spent the first few years rationalizing that he was not the same or as bad as my dad. What I didn't realize is he doesn't have the years my dad does. My father is drinking again after 10 years sober and again does not realize that drinking does not affect other people but the nasty creature that comes out as a result DOES hurt other people. Most often for me it's in the form of verbal abuse. He's as mean and hurtful as he can be. The next day, if he remembers, he apologizes. If I remind him, he apologizes. SO surely that makes it okay?! NO. It's still not okay.

I am SURE he loves you. Just keep in mind he is SICK. He has an addiction and it is stronger than your love. It is better for you to leave and him to realize that losing you and maybe his children will be far worse than losing the liquor.

As everyone recommends, AlAnon is great. Try a few meetings to find one that works. There are people who have been through what you are going through. It helps me to hear that people are going through, have been through and are recovering independent of the qualifier in their life.

I'm working on leaving myself and wish I had your courage to just tell him to get out! You may feel awful now but it was the best thing you could do in the circumstances. Keep your chin up!

I can totally relate. I'm going through the same thing. I don't want to leave, but I can't stay with him drinking like this. I feel so sad to have this torn apart. Tonight I'm just in tears because I love him so much and wish things would be differnt. That can I do? I'll start the Alanon meetings. A friend of mine said she would go with me. I'm just so disappointed that it has come to this.

Everything you have said makes so much since.
It's just really hard. I have tried to convince myself so many times, that its not that bad. But it is. Everyday, everywhere we go he has to have a drink. I honestly don't remember the last time he drank a pop. That's bad.
My mom went thru this with an ex boyfriend - he hurt her bad. I just keep thinking this guys loves me and our kids, he isn't that bad, he'll change. But I was kidding myself.
I will try the Alanon meeting - I have heard alot of people say that.
It is nice to know that there is someone out there to talk to that is going thru similar situations.
Sometimes you just feel alone in all of this.

Thank you again.

Yeah the meetings definitely help! Like I said, try a few to find one that fits right. My current meeting is filled with very positive people and many newcomers as well. It's a wonderful thing to be able to talk without someone telling you it's okay, stop crying, why are you feeling like that, etc. There is no 'cross talk' meaning people cannot give advice unless you ask for it or stay after and listen to what someone has to say. The support is amazing. My first few meetings I cried almost instantly. I felt like such a fool crying in front of strangers. But afterwards I was greeted with HUGS! and support. People who are there or have been there and are getting better for themselves. My qualifier's mom always tells me that she doesn't need help, she's doing great. The truth is, we have a problem because we think being treated like this is okay.

M is the same way as you are describing. I cannot recall a time when we go out without a drink needing to be had. Even though he doesn't work he'll still find the money for drinks when we are out. I'm getting better about not supporting that... letting him pay for his own habit. It's still hard.

BJ I understand how miserable it feels. I've been feeling that way for days on end. We are fighting a LOT and I haven't told him just yet that I am leaving. It scares me a bit.. but more from fear of the unknown that from anything else. I know I will get better with time. I know he will not get better because I am around.

It hurts to love someone with an addiction.... the best I do many nights is pray to whoever is listening.. as hard as I can... PLEASE give me strength. I can't stay any longer in this pain because I'm afraid to get out of it. I'm a little excited to see what my life might be without that pain... without nights of screaming, throwing things, crying, hating him, worrying about him, loving him... it's chaos.