Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Hi Zig
I lived with my bf for three years and dated a year or so before that. In that time he has relapsed about 4-5 times. I was in the same situation as you. One day when I caught him in a lie of last usage after about a two week fighting struggle for a relapse. I told him that unless he came home with a drug test and tested clean I dead bolted the lock on the door. He did buy one and came home begging.. but refused to take it tryed to manipulate and bully me. I told him he had to move out. He stayed with his parents for 3 weeks or so, and then finally did get an apartment. We had a big trip to thailand planned, he was clean so we went on the trip. It went well, and he was working the program. I tried to get as healthy and educated as possible for myself. We stayed each night together either at his place or mine. this went on for a while. things were going great.. he was 100 days sober. even though it was a financial strain, and things were going well, i knew i had to reclaim my independence and sense of control. at least for myself. He relapsed on July 4th, and I am very happy that i kept my safety net. I can walk away and sleep in a safe place at night. You have to get your own space.. reclaim the control of your life, girl! Talk talk talk to people.. friends, meetings, here, therapy.. so that you can get enough support elsewhere that you don't need support or validation from him anymore. That is the only way you won't fall back onto his crutch, even though there are good points in the cycle. In therapy I learned that he isn't capable of having a relationship with someone, bc he can't see past his own nose. I am sure your guy is selfish too?! They only see what they are going through. But with some sobriety,, some days together, can you start to even reason with them. (don't waste your breath on a drug brain) They need to get straight for at least a year before they can start to build a stable foundation.
Good Luck,

I went on a rooer coaster ride with my BF for 10 years. We just split up 5 weeks ago and he is off the wagon. He had lied one too many time. I didn't realize how he was stressing me out so much until he was gone. I go to the Doc to get an eye injection every onth and my blood pressure had consistantly been elevated. This time it was 130 over 70 and they wanted to know what I done. I told them that he moved out and I felt so much better and at peace. I no longer had to worry about his problems with his addictions. They always relapes. It is easy to quit, but it is not easy for them to give up their friends and they are always calling and ready for them to fall.. do yourself a favor and stop the insanity. The success rate for recovery is slim to nothing.

Thanks for both of your replies. I feel pretty confident now with an out date at the end of September. That is what works best for me. Thankfully I do have a great support system, the only down side is that most of them are further away than his support. It would be a little easier I think if I had my family close by. Although I know leaving will always be hard. I appreciate hearing other stories... just to keep reminding myself not to fall back into the insanity. Today was a crazy day... he drinks all day every day for almost 2 years now and was drinking A LOT for 4 years consistently before that. The crap part is that when we met he was a mild social drinker but a six pack lasted weeks. Now a 30 pack barely makes it two days!

I'm also very doubtful about recovery. I think I've come to the realization that sober or not we are not meant to be together. I am hopeful for him that he can find recovery because I think he'll kill himself otherwise, but I'm good in my own recovery and knowing I cannot control it, cure him and I didn't cause it!

Thanks again for the support and feedback!

hi ziggy, it's good that you are putting together a plan and setting a date. It will make it easier (in my opinion) than just making a rash decision, because you will have taken the time to think through everything and know what's best for you. Consider going to Alanon too, I was like you and had no support system around me, other than my closest friend and having that support system was just one of the reasons I started going. Good luck ((hugs))

Thanks for your support! I do go to AlAnon regularly. I don't think I'd make it through without that nor do I think I would be at this point without it! :)

Hi Ziggy I lived with my boyfriend for about a year we had been together for 6 months when he got kicked out of his place and was basically left homeless. I let him come stay with me but on the condition he got clean and stayed that way. That never happened. It was a constant battle and we had good times and bad times but like both of you I realised that he is not in a state to be in a relationship and we were just not meant to be together. I have a life to live and I shouldn't have to bear the brunt of his consequenses. We discussed separating and he agreed that being in a relationsip and trying to get clean were too much for him to handle. It ended when he phoned me to tell me he wasn't coming home as he had been using all day and planned to carry on. I told him not to bother coming back. He slept in the ark for 3 days until he realised that he needed help. He booked himself into rehab (which I had to take him to) but he was there for 6 weeks and stayed clean and now he is living in a home run by the church for people with no hope. They basically support you until you can support yourself. It was probably the best thing I could have done for him as well as the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I wish you the best of luck and am here for support if you need it.

Sorry I meant he slept in the park.

there is an awesome book that helped me so much called "love must be tough" by james dobson. it gave me the strength to let go and move on, to allow him to take responsibility fo his own actions and suffer the consequences. it helped me to see that i am not responsible for him, nor his happiness and it wasn't my job to enable him. hope this helps.

I do feel your pain. I am in a similar situation. I have two kids with the guy I live with and never been married. We have been in and out of our relationship more than I can bare to think about anymore. I did ask him to leave this time. There is only so much a person can do and take

HI Sounds like your on the right path so many of us struggle endlessly to understand what the right path is. I was with my husband for nearly 8 years and we were planning a wedding and everything. I got pregnant.. we had a small ceremony in the hopes of having a larger wedding and 'renew' vows later on down the road.. Exactly one year later after having my son.. i left him on our 1 year anniversary. This Aug 15 will be our two year anniversary.. But most importantly will be my 1 year anniversary for being on my own and gaining my independance. I left with nearly a 5 month old. I have one brother who i see only 1 or twice every two months or so. And two friends near by. It was life or death for me. One day I went and got assistance and packed my bags and left the next day and stayed at my friends for a month and got my place on my own. It was hard but living with him was even harder. My sanity was nearly gone. Since being in the Alanon program for 5 months now. I can see the light for myself although he still is actively drinking. Anger, hurt and everything else has come with this process but now i have the coping skills to handle it and i dont have to deal with his 'stuff" every single day. I feel safe which is most important. And serenity is a gift I now understand that I never thought I would ever have. Good Luck and God Bless

D