What is Families and Friends Of Addicts
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professi...
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Hi,
I have a question that is truly in my heart. As you all know Im married to a crack addict who has filed for a divorce. Trying to say were not even married. That is not true. we are married.. but he is the crack addict that has truly hurt not only himself but me and the kids. To just speak for myself,I don't get it. He is the one who caused so much pain. I was there offering everything that I am and everything I could. I was understanding and willing to do what ever it took to help him and he knows that. I know there must be some real reason that he had filed for a divorce.. I had and still think its from his mother who is nuts but.. besides that, he still says he loves me said that a few weeks ago.. why would this even happen? I didn't do any of these things as he has to me. I have been a faithful, honest and giving wife. We never had problems enough to even consider a divorce. I thought we would grow old together even with this disease or sickness he has. I was willing to accept that. Even when he hurt me I still loved him, told and showed him that all the time. Tomorrow a friend from Church is going to bring to him information on a place called the Help in up Mission. Its a rehab for christians. and I was told it would be a good idea to give him a letter. I don't know what to write to him I don't know what to say?? I have to answer to this divoce in less then two weeks and have not gotten paid to even afford a good attorney. My husbands mother paid for his expensive lawyer and just told him he was going. They know I don't have the money to do that. I have not even gotten a first paycheck. I called legal aid and the ywca for help with legal aspect on what I should do but no one still has returned my call. Its been over a month now. I keep calling and leaving messages. I will have no legal support or help.I had hoped that with the time of us seperated he would of woke up and realized his addiction was not as important as me and the kids and would of reached out for help. But my heart is so confused because I don't understand why he would even allow a divorce to be thought of let alone follow through. Why? I don't know what I did I have been thinking and thinking trying to figure out what I could have done. The only thing I can come up with is that when I got the protection order from him becoming violent and putting in there if he shows 30 days clean I would have it lifted. Maybe that is why? I was never cruel in that order. Just begged in the order for him to get help and even explained to the judge at that time that I loved him and only want to see him get help as I was so worried he would die from this. Just don't understand.. maybe if I did I could at least clear my mind. I don't know what he thinks like when on crack and I know he has become a very heavy user. A $2000 plus expense that lasts for 4 days and broke. His whole paycheck. If anyone can explain this to me or explain what crack addicts thought process is like I would appreciate it. I feel like its all my fault for some reason and don't know why. Or if anyone also has any good ideas on what I can add to write in the letter tonight that may grab him somehow please let me know. I would greatly appreciate it. Now I know why I feel so worthless.. Posted on 09/26/08, 10:09 pm |
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I am so sorry you are going through this. Its very sililiar to what i am going through. My wife left me. Ive thought about writing, calling, texting but have been advised to detach. Rest assured he is not thinking rationally right now and is wrought with guilt as well. In his mind, he has justified his actions and they make sence to him. You can not compete with that at this point. He needs to hit rock bottom to see what he has done. 
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You are exactly right Wass. Don't contact NO MATTER WhAT.. its not good for you or for them.
Good luck staying strong. Great to see you are so active on here! It really is theraputic!
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When I broke up with the boyfriend I stated something along the lines of he's not the person I thought he was so on and forth. His reply was surprising. Something along the lines of I know I'm an alcoholic, I know our problems stem from that, I know I'm screwing up, I know this isn't good for us or the baby, but I love to drink. I won't stop. It was like a kick to the stomach. At any rate I'm rambling. You will see this same comment in a lot of my posts because I truly believe in it. Keep your distance. Go to Al anon. Take care of you and the children. Focus on your "rehab" if you will and let him figure his out by himself. You can still love someone and be supportive of them without pulling your whole life and family apart.
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I have been in this situation but with my son. All you can do is take care of yourself. go to alanon and kids can go to alateen if old enough. It hard just to watch someone you love ruin their life, but that's all you can do. Please take care of yourself and kids. Until he wants to get help, nothing you do will change him.
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I feel for you I know you are going through so much pain. I know it from both sides because I am in love with a crack/meth user and it causes so much heartache and destruction. But I also used to smoke crack with him, so I can tell you firsthand that his mind is so messed up he cannot think about things rationally. The addiction is so strong... at first you enjoy the high, you feel good, then it numbs your brain and your emotions, and then the agitation and irritability and the racing mind are too much, you keep wanting more to not feel BAD. It's nothing you've done or haven't done, it's not that he doesn't love you, but the drug becomes all there is. They will go for days and then crash for a couple, wake up feeling horrible and guilty, and start over wanting to numb everything. My boyfriend has relapsed and I wanted to help him, but he is doing irresponsible, even dangerous things while he scorches his brain... I am afraid and I feel trapped, and the lying and using and taking money, all of it is destroying my feelings for him. All I can tell you is that you are truly better off with him gone until he gets help. It's easy to say that, people tell me that and I still haven't put him out though I've told him to leave several times. It's hard to be alone and lose someone you love, but it's so much more damaging to try to help someone that doesn't want it... and our love is not enough... so please hang in there and realize you did nothing wrong... and by the way, if he wants the divorce, ask him to pay your part of the attorney fees.
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I was quickly reding your post and remembered something I had read in a book by Dr. Drew Pinsky, he says do not try to understand the "addiction" abuse etc. He says it is HUGE mistake !! I thin the book is titled Cracked, Coming Back from Drug addiction. I got it from my library when I was fresh out of my marriage to a crack addict. I will always remember those words of advice. I know it is sooo hard, but knowledge is POWER. Just don't go overboard trying to understand the addiction. It cannot be done. God Bless, Deb
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The more you try to understand the addiction the crazier you will become! These folks are right; place the focus where it belongs and that is on you and the kids. Do what you need to do for yourself and your recovery! He is not a rational human being right now and the reality is, though he may love you the addiction has a stronger hold on him. You are not responsible for him or his recovery. It's like I learned in Al Anon--the three C's--you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. Is there an Al Anon or Naranon group in your area? If so, please go and keep going. These groups are not there to fix your husband but they will give you back something very precious...you!
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