Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

I think that hiding how you really feel isn't gonna help YOU. I also think that he needs to know how much he has hurt you. By you not telling him how much it hurts isn't gonna make him stop, but neither is telling him. People with drug/alcohol problems, whatever your situation is, they don't care who they hurt. Or how bad for that matter. But by you keeping your TRUE feelings inside isn't healthy. He has to want to change and no matter how bad you do fight and scream isn't gonna make him change.
I hope things get better for you!
xoxo

I have been where you are. And I have been to therapy to discuss just what you are saying (someone who also saw my boyfriend independently) and I can tell you this:

The addict feels like total crap.. and his self esteem is lower then you can imagine. Right now what he needs is SPACE. You have to find support on your own.. without him. He isnt capable of validating your experience, or helping you. He can't even help himself. I learned that I needed to step back, and give him space.. and see him once a week. (we had been living together) He needs clarity and by doing the same pattern (you being there to pick him up/enable, etc) is keeping the situation going. when I pulled away my SO got his shit together finally... and it was hard. I was so hurt and just wanted him to acknowledge the hell that he put me (and him through) I just wanted to keep saying all of the things htat he did wrong and illustrate how many things it ruined. But you can't.. he is already low enough.. you just need to find support elsewhere and detatch When he feels a loss, and doesn't have you there to wipe his nose, etc he will either swim or sink. Let himknow you care, but you have to do what is best for both of you.

It worked for me. I found that as much as I was trying to help/save I was really draining and contributing by just being another thing in his life that he had to feel guilt/shame/whatever for.

Good Luck!

((((Seattlegrl)))) I so much agree with what jennylyn wrote in her reply. I'm learning too and I have learned that even though what I want to do is remind my addict how he has screwed up, hurt me AND tell him how to fix it!!! --- but that only makes him feel worse. He won't "fix" it until he reaches that place on his own. I can't make him. I also can't stay as involved as I am and keep my sanity! So I'm learning to detach from him and find my own support, answers, and yes, happiness. Detach doesn't mean cutting him completely out of my life, or to stop loving him. It means being able to live life every day and be happy and serene whether the addict is using or not.My addict is my son, so my situation is a little different from yours. You may come to a place where you do feel the need to completely cut him out of your life. If so, DO NOT feel guilt over this. Remember--you didn't cause his addiction, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. We each have a choice in all we do. You take care of yourself. God bless. I care.

Not a good idea for either of you. You will find, if you aren't already - that you will be come depressed by repressing your anger. You will be come sad. For him there isn't even the consequence of knowing how angry you really are. Perhaps gong to Alanon meetings will provide you with some good advice.
Good Luck.