Families & Friends of Gays & Lesbians Support Group

It's interesting the things you see repetitively every day, but those things never actually register in your mind until one day, something inside you is touched. Today it was the American flag. I drive around most days of the week, as I'm a home hospice nurse working in a huge county in Washington. I spend a considerable amount of time in my car so I read bumper stickers daily, and try to figure out what people's personalized plates mean. Since September 11, 2001, people have been sporting American flags on their cars, their homes, their hats--pretty much anywhere people can see that they are proud to live in this country. I was one of those people; I had a flag sticker on my car, too.

Today, I came to realize that I am not proud to live in this country. As I pondered why looking at that American flag bumper sticker was causing such a rush of emotion, it occurred to me: I am an American. I was born here, my parents, grandparents, and I think even my great grandparents were born or at least raised in this country. For the first 8 years of my schooling, we got up every Monday morning and said the Pledge of Allegiance. It never bothered, actually, I never really thought about it, until today.

I've been employed, in some capacity since I was 14 years old. I've been paying taxes and contributing to social security for more than half my life. I have made Uncle Sam a very happy camper--he's accumulated a hefty chunk of my hard earned cash, just as anyone else who's ever worked in this country. Here's where it becomes difficult for me. An American citizen has certain rights and responsibilities, and therefore is entitled to certain liberties as guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution. I never had reason to question that until Catherine died.

We are both American citizens. We both worked hard since we were young. We both went to college and attained college degrees so that we could be productive citizens and contribute to our society. We both volunteered in our communities, and never once questioned our belonging in this society. But we should have. As taxpayers, law abiding citizens, voters, and hard working women, why is it that we are not equal in our society? I am in the process of raising two daughters who will become tremendous young women, and will not be dependent on the government for money; they are strong, independent, and intelligent young ladies. They will complete college, establish careers, and pay their debts to society just as we all do.

What I am experiencing today is such a deep betrayal by the country I have been pledging allegiance to all my life. We went to Canada and got married, because our country of origin denied us the right to do so. When Catherine and I returned to the United States, our union was not and would never be recognized. Many heterosexuals have gone to Canada and got married, and returned to the U.S. with all the rights and privileges of a married couple, allowed by the United States government. Why is that? How is their love any more sacred or valid than ours was? We returned "home" to be discriminated against--we knew that going into it.

The benefits that are simply assumed in a marriage of a man and a woman, are absent for two people of the same gender that marry one another. Of course, one would say, gay people could go to Massachusetts and get married, but do they know that the moment those married gay or lesbian couples leave Massachusetts their marriage is invalid? That they have to be residents of that state to be married there? Do people know that a gay couple could get married, then a straight couple could get married by the same justice of the peace, the same day even--and the gay couple would have absolutely no rights outside the state of Massachusetts. I wonder how many people realize that those newly married couples don't and won't get 100% of the rights of heterosexual married people. And let's not even get started on the joke that is a civil union. Those utilizing the civil union laws, get only a trickle of the rights that married people get.

So I say to myself, "What in the world am I doing in a country where I am paying money to be a second class citizen?" I work 40 or so hours a week and pay a truckload of taxes, to pay the salary of a president who decided that gay marriage should be outlawed. How many states have made it a crime for same sex couples to get married? As of March of 2007, 32 of our 50 states have anti-gay laws on the books! . The Defense of Marriage Act was passed in 1996, (contrary to popular belief, it wasn't Bush who signed it into effect, it was Clinton!)and it officially barred federal benefits to same-sex unions. Defense of marriage?? What exactly are they defending? An over 55% divorce rate? To make legal as many lousy marriages as solid ones, simply because the marriage exists between a man and a woman? The 14th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States dictates that, "No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws." I was forced to memorize that in the 11th grade. Little did I know then that those words would mean little or nothing in my real life.

So, how many states have completely ignored our own constitution? My right to marry the person I love, as we were both citizens of the United States, as been barred! Gays and lesbians are deprived of the liberties granted heterosexuals. Gay and lesbians do NOT have equal protection under the law. When a straight married man dies, his social security automatically goes to his wife. No questions asked. When my Catherine died, all the money she paid to social security doesn't go to her wife: it stays right there in the government greedy hands. So many of the "TINKS" (two incomes, no kids) gay couples, when one dies, the states keep every red cent of the social security that they paid their entire working lives. The surviving spouse gets nothing. How is that equality to all persons of the United States?

How and why is it possible that laws exist that prevent me from marrying legally the person I love? Why is it that all the gay and lesbian people who work and pay the salaries of our government, get so few of the benefits of being an American. We gay or lesbians don't get a choice as to whether our tax dollars fund anti-gay legislature. No one gives us the choice not to pay social security because our surviving spouse cannot legally utilize it to continue to live on after they lose their loved one. That's what social security is for isn't it: to financially assist the surviving spouse, as well as the elderly and debilitated?

I don't give a damn about money. My anger is not that I don't get Catherine's social security--hell I want my wife back! But the reality is that I have to fight for every single thing I have. The law will allow the people who financed my wife's car to re posse it because I have no legal claim to it. I am Catherine's wife, and I have no rights. Why did it take me so long to figure this out with such clarity? I've understood for a long time that the rights of the GLBT population were pretty much nil. But the glaringly obvious discrimination that gay and lesbian people have no choice but to live with, hit me with full force today for the first time.

Catherine and I preferred to live our lives in peace. We knew we had no rights as a legally married couple when we crossed the Canadian border back into America, but we went to Canada anyway. We refused to allow the government of the United States to deprive us of our right to be legally married. We had every intention of returning to Canada within the next two years, because we knew we deserved--everyone deserves--to be treated with dignity, respect, and to have our marriage treated as any heterosexual couple's marriage: equally.

I have to leave the county I was born in, and have lived in for almost 40 years. The country my wife gave 5 years of her life to as a captain in the United States Air Force. We've done everything any American could do to be treated fairly and with respect--and the collective we--gays and lesbians--have been and will continue to be discriminated against.

Toronto will be my new home. I've decided that when my contract ends in Washington, it's time to wrap it up in this country. The only reason I'm waiting is that because I have job that is regulated by the government, I have to take a monumental nursing exam to practice in Canada, so I will need to jump through those hoops before I can move there. I guess I could immigrate sooner, but going to Canada and not being able to work will not only bore me half to death, but would waste the money I'll have put away for this next phase of my life. So I'll keep paying my taxes, contributing to social security, and abiding by all the laws of this country. But very soon, I will leave and I'm not sure if I'll ever come back. I certainly won't come back here to live. I matter; and as simply a human being, my rights matter.

Jessica
Posted on 03/22/07, 03:03 pm