Families of Prisoners Support Group

What you're experiencing is sort of what every mother goes through when she brings her baby home from the hospital. She's read all the books, and has everything prepared for his homecoming, but she's frightened by the daunting task ahead of being a good parent. But think about it, hawatocome. When you got home you just took it day by day and learned what your child needed by trial and error at first, and then experience, as you got to know your child's needs better. Right? And it will be no different now with your son. It's going to be a process where you're getting to know one another again. And you don't have to be perfect or be able to predict everything he might need. You just have to love him. Everything will be okay; you'll see.

in a way i can remember how it felt to be pregnant and afraid, then realizing i would gain experience a day at a time. but my 16 year old has, in the last 8 years, become thoroughly institutionalized, unlike any newborn. he knows how to talk without moving his lips so co's can't understand him, he knows a false order, structure, time schedual, boundries between bodies, limitations to his actions, laughter, spontaneousness. he is the opposite of a newborn really, he is in danger of 85% recidivism and 3 strikes out. he is coming to a family that has grown by 6 since he left. we have 8 kids from 1 to twelve in addition to him that are from various countries and came to us at various ages. therefore the come with baggage from orphanages that is difficult to deal with. my son will enter this household, completely different than when he left. his expectations are high and i know the reality will disturb him. but it is reality. he was under the gun for 3 years in closed custody and has been housed with older men for many years. one mistake in intensive probation sends him back for a year and a half. it ironic to say but the safety net of prison will be gone and i need to figure out how to help him with goals, work, driving, clothes, becoming independent, school, you name it....fitting into a social system, our family, so absolutely diffferent than what he's grown used to. i want to be strong and helpful, yet continue to raise 8 other children, save an hour for myself and my husband.....how? i truly appreciate your kindness and support but it just doesn't feel that simple. i want to hide under the blankets. it's odd, when he was incarcerated it was 6 months after another great loss for me and at the time it seemed like it would be better if he had died. 7 to 9 years was unfathomable. i could hardly bear it. and now, with 7 little months to go, we're headed for this huge change and i feel like hiding under the covers!! maybe i'm nuts.

It will be new and different for both of you. And I'm not saying it will be smoothe sailing. Where kids are involved, it never is. But, maybe having all these younger siblings will be good for your son. They will look up to him as the oldest and he will look out for them and help care for them, not wanting anything bad to happen to them as it did to him. I know you're a wonderful mother or there is no way you could take care of eight children on a daily basis. Have you talked with your son about your fears. Maybe it would be better if you did, and you could stop worrying about it. Stressing is only going to make you sick, and then you won't be able to care for any of your family members. You can do this hawatocome; I believe in you. Just love your son and be the best mom you can be to all of your children, and God will work out the rest.

thanks, i think one of my fears is that i get in the way of his challenges. we all have a bit of our own mother in us and unfortunately my mom wasn't such a great mom. she took everything personally and i think was even intimidated by me. i need to watch myself to make sure i don't follow that path esp with my oldest son. we make the most mistakes with our first kid right? this is the danger in sharing my worries with him. i don't want to make this about me. it is his recovery. then again when one family member is locked up the whole family is locked up..........so in a sense it is everyone's recovery. but i think it's become clear to me i need to look elsewhere, places like HERE for support rather than from my son. yes i have shared some of this with him and he understands. he has said after a 6 hour home pass he feels "drained". i do to. it is a great comfort to have found this board. . i already feel better, knowing there is somewhere to go. thanks for being here, nancy

I'm afraid I can't offer any advice from a mother's perspective, but here's what I can say. My mom's bf was just released after 10 years, and while it has been a huge transition for him, he has been adjusting well in the 2 months since he has been out.But that has been accomplished with paitience,love, and support from not just my mom, but all of us.You said that you have adopted 6 other children from other backgrounds, nationalities, etc,(which I think you should recieve an award for.It is wonderful that those children found their way to what I can tell is a very loving and supportive home). In some ways your son's home coming will be very similar. When he gets there you'll need to love him, as you have always loved him. You'll have to reaquaint yourselves with each others likes/dislikes.He may have some difficulties at first, for instance, it's been hard for Jeff to find a job with a manslaughter conviction(D.D. acc.)but thank God where we live there is a program called I can I am that was started by a former inmate that was designed to help inmates upon release with this sort of thing. Check in your community to see if anything like this exists where you are. Also we find for us that support groups (for him as well as yourself)are a huge melting pot of ideas and suggestions. Please don't feel as if you are on your own in this. You have a wonderful support system here, and if there is anything that I could do or say to help you feel better, please drop me a line. I'm not sure if anything I've said here will help you or even if it makes any sense really, but that is my experience for now.