Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Me...
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The people from the alcoholism support group suggested al-anon to me. Here was my post. Sorry so long.
---------------- Hello to you all. I just broke off a 5 year relationship with my boyfriend. My question is what exactly is an alcoholic? I felt deep down that he had a problem with alcohol. I wanted to help him, but he wouldn't talk to me about it. He just said I didn't know what I was talking about that he could stop drinking whenever he wanted. I challenged him to stop drinking for 2 weekends in a row. He refused saying he was a grown man, didn't want to (but could if he chose to), and to drop it or I would pi$$ him off. Here is the situation. He would drink Friday and Saturday nights and sometimes Sunday night if he didn't have to work on Monday. He never drank if he had to work the next day--well, occasionally he would but he would start earlier in the evening. He drank anywhere from 3/4ths to 1 liter of dark rum with coke in one night. One night meaning...he would start around 9-10pm and finish it by 2-3am. He drank all of that BY HIMSELF. He would also take shots of tequila or Jaegermeister while he drank the rum and coke. He progressed to some moonshine, as well. He would drink this much on each of those nights...not just that amount the entire weekend. Ok, he said he did NOT have an alcohol problem for these reasons: 1. he is a big guy 6'0" and 300lbs and can handle more alcohol than the average guy--my response, "You have built up a tolerance for years of drinking like this." 2. He would get up and go to work everyday. Alcoholics can't hold a job because they wake up drinking until they pass out. My thoughts, "I think he is a binge drinker." 3. He said he could stop whenever he wanted to. My thoughts, he never wanted to stop. He always had excuses. 4. He said he was a social drinker. (He drank every weekend and drank large quantities of booze. This scared me for his health.) 5. He also said he didn't throw up or have a hang over like most other people. He could handle it. I'm not with him anymore because of his abuse to me. I didn't break it off because of the drinking I tried to get him help for that, but he told me I was wrong that he had no problem. His family talked behind his back about him drinking so much, but noone but me would tell him he had a problem. I felt so alone. He would use that against me. "You are the only person that b****es at me about this. Noone else thinks I have a problem." I told him noone else cared enough about him to tell him to get help. I did. Plus, they were afraid to make him mad. I didn't want him to die. Sorry this is so long. I am just confused and want to know if my hunches were right. Does he have a problem? What should I have done to help him? I'm so sad over this. I feel I should've done more. I want to be educated on this. I would appreciate any feedback. Thanks! Posted on 05/16/08, 03:05 pm |
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whether he thinks he has a problem or not, it is clearly a problem for you. That should be enough. We live in a free country. We get to choose our mates. It may be sorrowful to go through the grieving process that the end of a relationship requires, but there are many loving, kind men out there that don't drink at all. You deserve someone who will help you achieve peace of mind in your life. Too much stress isn't good for anyone. You need to keep the focus on YOU!!!! Hang in there. 
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hi Amanda, I agree, if it's a problem for you, then it's a problem. From your post, yes it sounds like he's a binge drinker, full of excuses as to why he shouldn't quit. It's not your problem to fix, it's his and if he chooses not to, you can't blame yourself. Are you able to get to Alanon? I say this in almost every repsonse but it's true, Alanon saved my life and helped me turn the focus on me and off him. I also just started reading Under the Influence by James Robert Milam and it is quite eye opening. ((hugs))
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Yeah, I can get to a meeting. I left him 2 weeks ago because he was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. He told me everything was my fault and I was wrong about everything I always thought or felt. I'm just looking to people who know about alcoholism to tell me if they think I was right about his drinking. He made me feel stupid and like I didn't know what I was talking about. I felt deep down he had a problem.
Thanks for your input.
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2. He would get up and go to work everyday. Alcoholics can't hold a job because they wake up drinking until they pass out. My thoughts, "I think he is a binge drinker."
This is called a “Functioning Alcoholic”. They are still able to get up and do their jobs and most other things required of them, but don’t let that fool you into thinking that everything is ok. In my opinion, an alcoholic is an alcoholic. I agree with the rest. It was a problem for you, thus it was a legitimate problem. You were right in leaving and you certainly aren’t stupid. You called him on his problems, he couldn’t handle it, so he did what all other addicts do – THEY BLAME SOMEONE ELSE FOR THEIR PROBLEMS. It’s typical behavior. Nothing is their fault. Don’t let him fool you. You were right on the money.
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Amanda, you are right in thinking he is an alcoholic because that is exactly what he is. He is in total denial about his problem. I am very familiar with your situation, my husband too is an alcoholic who won't admit to it 100%. He always has excuses as to why he drinks and reasons that he's not an alcoholic. Here goes:
Excuse 1. He drinks because of me, I bitch too much. ( I bitch but its because he drinks too much lol) 2. He works hard. True he does but so do alot of other people and they don't drink as much as him. 3. He wants to be socialable. Please there are plenty of other things to do with people besides drink. Reason 1 why he doesn't have a problem: He doesn't drink everyday. He drinks 4 or 5 days out of 7 every week. 2. If he was an alcoholic he would start drinking at 6 a.m. That's the one I love the most, apparently if you don't have a drink until 10 a.m on a saturday morning that's ok lol. Anyways, I know what you are going through. When my Husband gets drunk he will come home and start a argument with me over something stupid just so the focus isn't on the fact he's drunk again. He has called me many names, broken things, etc. He already has one DWI and I've also had to call the cops on him because he was getting threatening. He breaks plans that we have because he is out drinking, and the list goes on. Basically Amanda, no matter how much you love him, how much you beg and plea with him to quit he will not. An alcoholic will usually not stop drinking until they have hit rock bottom and even then it is no guarantee.
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The previous replies all have great advice and insight so I'll try not to repeat. One thing I was told going through family week with my son is you don't have to drink everyday to be an alcoholic. Their brains work differently (yes there is some physical aspect of the illness along with the psychological and emotional aspects). Alcoholics can NEVER be social drinkers. They can go days or years without drinking but when they do they cannot stop at one. They will not stop until they are drunk or the alcohol is gone. My dad was a recovering alcoholic (unlike a lot of diseases you are never recovered from alcoholism but always in a constant state of recovery-I think of it like cancer-you may be in remission but never know when it may come back) for over 20 years. He stopped going to AA (bad idea) and thought he could be a social drinker but from the first drink he had he was back to where he was when he quit. The last few years of his life were not very pretty and contributed to his death in March. Take care of yourself and don't feel guilty. As much as you love him and want to help him unless he is ready for help you will drive yourself crazy trying to help and wondering what you could have done. Keep attending Alanon-even if you are not together it can help you. Best of luck!
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Hi Amanda. My name is scott and i can tell you what id id to recognize "what was that?!! because i just got out of a 3 year relationship with a "functional alcoholic." Please let that be the first you read up on. Then research reasearch research everything you can about understand ing every angle of alcoholism. research what the alcoholic is thinking (youll be amazed at the patterns that all addicts have in their behavior.) Also research the things that friends and family go through. Also research the effects it had on you while you were in the relationship. You will be sooo surprised at the similarities of your last five years. Im just out of that situation and im at the point of, how do i get past the emotional damage its done to me. Im so much more "critical" than i used to be. I dont want to be that person anymore, i want to be the same trusting person i was before. im just afraid ill never be again.
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I agree with everyone else, he had a problem but is in denial. You spotted the signs, but you can't make him change you are powerless to that. He needs to realize it and want the help. You said that another group suggested Alanon. I completely agree with that. I am married to a drug addict who is in early recovery and I go to Naranon meeting and they help me tremendously. Even though you broke up with your boyfriend, it will still benefit you to go and educate you for future relationships.
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