Depression - Teen Support Group

my life has been a series of downs. there haven't been any ups.if anyone decides to read this, be advised that there is no structure to my writing and im just writing whatever happens to come to mind. as a person, im not very social to new people but people seem to be drawn to talk to me.only thing is, when people talk to me and theyre happy, i dont feel the same way and i just feel angry, i usually end up hating them..
my father was an alcoholic, who i lived with on my own after my parents broke up. i wasnt saddened at all when they broke up because i knew it was for the better.
my whole life i have had to move to new places, every year , more than once a year.
as a child i think i was happy, up until junior high. i was always good in school and at one point was considering becoming a lawyer. in grade 10 my grades were decent, and at the end of a year i got my first real part-time job. at this job i tried very hard and my employer liked me working there. then, once they realized i was a good worker they used me, had me on 50+ hours a week. i didnt mind this because i liked the money. i liked to work. sometime during this period my father became more of a problem. he started drinking more and becoming more of a problem in my life. grade 11 was where things really started to go down. i went in planning on going everyday, doing my homework, and excelling. for some reason, no matter how hard i tried i couldnt concentrate and i found it hard to stay in class. i hated being around so many people.i managed to make it through grade 11 but not after failing 2 courses, first time ive failed anything. this just made me less motivated, i mean i really tried and i still got nowhere..
then the summer came. at this point i had another job that i liked. i bought my first car. i guess i forgot to mention that cars and music are my life.i spent so much time working on this car and when i went to register it, it turned out to be stolen and i had to give it back. soon after i bought another car that i had a lot of good times in, good memorys of driving around with friends.. back when life seemed so much simpler. going into grade 12 i planned on finishing my schooling and going onto college. but then my dads drinking got worse, everyday, every week, for months.i couldnt stand staying home at nights so i never did my homework. i tried to get out, but i couldtn afford to, so i went to a social services councelor. he assumed that i was just some 17 year old trying to move out of his parents house and he told me that he cant help me until im 18. alot of help that was.my father had called the cops on me more than once for something i didnt do. i was literally just using the computer and i wouldnt talk to him because he was drunk so he called the police telling them that i was trying to kill him and that i had drugs and weapons. the police came, questioned me and instead of searching me in my yard, which wasnt viewable from the road, they decided they would do it right by the side of the road. which is a busy road.they took me to my sisters house to stay the night. i still remember on the way there, one of the cops said to me , in a mocking sort of voice with a chuckle at the end of it, "so why are u so pissed off?" this is what made me not want to seek any professional help in my town.
there was only one way out of it now, the route i had been trying to avoid this whole time, and that was dropping out of school.

finally i managed to move out with my sister and her friend. life was good there for a while, but yet again , 2 months later we had to move again, which was also fine.. i was getting tired of those people.

so as i had said earlier, cars are my life. i had finally found the car i had been wanting for so long.. and with the help of my sister i got a loan to buy it. 2 weeks later i went to a party, drank too much, and woke up in it the next morning, on the side of the road,30 kilometres away from where i parked it, my window smashed out, and the motor and transmission were broken. im still not sure what happened that night, i dont know if i took the car myself. anyway, this made things even worse for me, after this i felt down all the time. also this was the weekend of my 18th birthday.

so now here i am, with no direction in life, i get upset at stupid things all the time. i have a back injury from work, which is causing me to lose time. the hospital here only has 2 doctors in it... the rest are all on vacation. so i spend most of my time waiting to see a doctor. now im in so much debt that i dont know where to start, the money i do make disappears on payday, paying off bills from a long time ago. im up to my neck in debt but even when im in physical working shape i cant force myself to go half the time, even though i like my job. im sick of working for everything that everyone else i know gets handed to them for nothing. im sick of working for nothing. im sick of this town. im sick of life. sometime ive thought of suicide but then i think, i cant do that to my family and friends. but then i think again. and now its been getting more frequent.

i dont know what to do anymore, i dont want to call a help line, i feel like everytime i try to talk about this i want to cry. and so i take it out on myself by punching walls etc. i drive way too fast when im downd and frankly ive barely made it out of a couple situations.

i just want some direction in my life. i cant afford to go back to school right now. i cant afford not to.

ive been to the hospital countless times but after 3 hours of waiting i leave. im probably going to get fired for missing so much time. im so stressed out i cant sleep, i cant eat, i can barely talk. i weigh less now than i did years ago . i smoke and do drugs to keep my mind of things. frankly.. what the hell is the point, i'm exhausted, i cant go on anymore like this, even if i were to go get help, what am i supposed to do about money, i have to pay the bills. i cant bear the thought of trying to explain to my boss that im depressed and cant work any more. im lost. i feel like everytime i FINALLy manage to get ahead somehow, by act of fate something happens to bring me back 2 steps to worse than what i was before.

sincerely,
jbs
Posted on 01/04/08, 06:01 pm