Clinical depression is a state of sadness or melancholia that has advanced to the point of being disruptive to an individual's social functioning and/or activit...
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Hurting Myself
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I want to cut myself so badly right now. I fucking hate my mother. I promised my boyfriend that I wouldn't hurt myself anymore, but right now it's practically impossible not to. I want to take too many pills, or find a knife, or slam a door on my wrist, or ANYTHING to make me stop feeling this way. My fucking mother. She wants me to stop calling my boyfriend. She's pissed 'cause I called in sick to work today. The REASON I was on the phone late with him was because I was having a panic attack and I felt like shit. He was making me feel better. I was stressed and couldn't sleep and I was sick already, so I called him because it helps to hear his voice when I'm having a panic attack. She's pissy because I haven't finished all of my assignments for two of my classes. If I dont hand in the assignments, I fail. I couldn't care fucking less. When all I want to do is kill myself, I hardly think writing an essay is one of my top priorities. When most of my thoughts consist of throwing myself off a building, digging a knife into my wrist, or OD'ing on fucking anything, I don't give a shit about failing a course or two.
My mother is such a fucking HYPOCRITE! I had a panic attack a few months ago, freaking out because I thought I was going to fail all my classes. Not a week before that I'd been admitted to the hospital and put on suicide watch. So when I came to her crying that I was going to fail and she would hate me for it, I believed her when she said that failing a class or two wasn't a big deal. Now all she can say is that I'm not being productive and I'm going to fail and I can hear how much she hates me. But I don't fucking CARE. HATE ME ALL SHE FUCKING WANTS. I HATE HER RIGHT BACK. As far as I'm concerned, by next year I'll be gone and I am never fucking coming back. EVER. I will call my brother, and visit when she's out of town, but I am never coming back to this fucking house once I get out. I'm done. Forever. It's leave this house or die, because staying here is killing me. I know this all sounds melodramatic or ridiculous or some other self-absorbed adjective, and it most likely is, but considering my original self-injury habits started as a result of my homelife sucking beyond belief, I think it's fair to be a bit worried about how much I want to hurt myself right now. Maybe not kill myself, but hurt myself. I want to hurt myself so badly. What can I do instead? I could really use some help. Posted on 05/10/08, 03:05 pm |
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Are you a danger to yourself to the point that you need to go inpatient?
If not, can you get out of the house and go for a walk, or a drive? I read your profile--you really like music. Would that help? Can you keep some distance between yourself and your mother? W/b. (((HUGS))) 
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Thanks for you reply and concern. I took your advice and got out of the house for a while. I still feel awful (I felt better when I wasn't at home), but it helped to leave for a while. Thanks for taking the time to listen and to respond. I really appreciate it. *Hugs*
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Seddah, I'm what I call a controlled cutter. I've learned to control it by praying. I have to say though that you sound like you need in-patient help care. You have a lot anger you need to get out, but don't get it out by hurting yourself even though you know it will help. I know the feeling of sweet release that comes with cutting, but I also know that it's wrong!
If you believe in God, go to him right now, and ask him to help you find strength to overcome this moment. I began wearing a cross, but I still keep a boxcutter in the drawer next to my bed, but I haven't used it in a very long time, because I've learned to grab my cross and bed God to help get through this moment, and that's exactly what it is, a moment, that will pass. Take deep breath's, and think of your sweet boyfriend, nice slow breath's and the face of your boyfriend, and how much he cares for you, and how he wouldn't want you to hurt the person he care about, so if you can't do it right now for yourself, do it for him. Find a way like I did to vent in another direction that gives you comfort, not anger. Then call your local crisis center and get into the hospital. It sound's like you coming to a breaking point and you need a break. But just for now, get through the moment and breathe, long slow deep breaths. I placed my hand on the computer and I've already prayed for you to find the strength to learned to find a better way to pass these hard moments. Don't let it take 29 year of your life to finally learn this trick, like it did for me. And I'm sorry I did get here sooner. With Love and Prayer's, MomVickie
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MomVickie, I'm not a religious person, but it's never meant more to me to hear that someone is praying for me. I really appreciate your kind words, thoughts, and prayers. Don't worry about your reply being late. I just got in. But I appreciate your reply just the same. Thanks for the advice and for listening and responding. It means a lot. And I think you're probably right. I really could use a break. I've been trying to find a counsellor, but my psychologist isn't helping me. She's not treating my depression, only my panic disorder. So really, thank you for listening. I really needed it.
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Hey Seddah, its MomVickie again, just wanted to know something.Have you be diagnosed with Depression? Are you taken any medications? You definitely need to go into in-patient care and let them put you on some med's that will help both the depression and the panic attacks. I'm actually disabled because of Major Depression/Anxiety Attacks.Now a lot of people get panic attacks and Anxiety mixed up. Panic attack come one quick and only last a short time, whereas Anxiety attacks can last for hours unless you have the medication to combat it. I couldn't begin to tell you how many times I've been to in-patient care, but the last time was to get my medication right. With self-mutalation it can be dangerous for the patient not to be in hospital because they can relapse while they are playing around with the right dosages. The depression can get worse, so it's not something to just take lightly, and it's so important. This last time they just about got it right. I'm still Depressed, I still have anxiety attacks, sometimes so bad that I think about cutting, but I have medication now, and way's of preventing it. I was 17 years old when my Depression, and Anxiety started. I'll read your profile to see how old you are. But please get started finding the right med's now, and don't take a lot of years off your life by giving up like I did one time and just tried to live with it. It doesn't work. And another thing, I wouldn't tell anyone that your house about you being on this site, they and you know who I'm talking about might think your talking to a bunch of crazies and looser's. Write me if you like I'll alway's be around. I might not be on everyday, but at least every other day.
One more thing, you don't have to be religious to believe in God. I don't go to church, but I know I believe in him. I went when I was growing up, and quit after my first divorce. Anyway, that's beside the point, Glad your feeling better, just remember what I said to do when another one tried to come on you, and you can't go out. Hugs, MV
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MomVickie,
Yeah, I was diagnosed at 17 with depression, but as I couldn't find a psychologist to listen to me, let alone take me seriously, they pretty much did nothing until I was 19. I started meds then but was on the wrong ones. I keep having depressive episodes that get worse every time. I'm on new meds now, which seem all right, I guess, but I think it's too soon to tell. The depression really started at about age 11, and the anxiety, well, I'd say the womb, lol Of course, no doctor even considered it until about two months ago. Now I've got a diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder, too. I have both panic and anxiety attacks, actually, but it's been about two weeks since my last anxiety attack, and I've had two panic attacks since. they gave me ativan to take when I have an attack, but I haven't taken any yet. I don't know when it warrants taking meds. Thanks again for the reply, and I'll definitely remember that. It may not seem like it, but I'm always here to talk, too.
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This afternoon would have warranted taking your ativan, sweetheart. You had a major attack today, you got through it, but you had the medication too, and you didn't take it.
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MomVickie,
I think another reason I didn't take it was because I was kind of saving it. Ativan is one of the easiest pills to OD on for someone who can't swallow pills, and I guess I just didn't want to use them all up in case I chose to OD one of these days. I don't see why my psychologist gave 10 mg of ativan to someone with a history of self-medication and suicide attempts, but she did. I know I shouldn't be making plans like that, but I can't help it right now. Maybe this is the wrong medication for me because I'm not doing so well. I've been on it for around two months now. I think "Mom"Vickie is a really appropriate username, if you don't mind me saying. You seem like you'd be a great mom and really supportive. Thanks for all of your help.
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Seddah, you have really touched my heart today, and that doesn't happen to me too often. Now, I really worried for you. I can tell you one thing, if you try to OD on pills and don't succeed, they will never trust you with your own medication again. When is school out? Can you make it until then?If you think you can one way or another I want you to go to the hospital where they will have GOOD DOCTORS and they will put you on the right med's. If you are really thinking about suicide now, then screw school and go now. It's not worth the wait. Your life is important to your boyfriend and friend's and whether you believe or not your mother. I know what it's like to want to be free from home. I ran away at 18 and got married. That's the only way my parents would except me leaving the nest. I was in college, a Journalism major, but they wouldn't let me leave home, and I got so depressed, I dropped out of school after the fall semester, and got married. The rules at home were crushing me. I made some big mistakes and payed hard for them later. It's all in my journal. But get some help, promise me. Please! MomVickie
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MomVickie,
I can honestly say that you've had the same effect on me today. I'm out of school now, but I've got extensions that are quickly running out. Once those deadlines pass, whether I complete the assignments or not, things will be a bit better and I will be able to focus on other things. Your concern is so nice and so incredibly appreciated. I will get help, I promise, but I'm going to wait until my boyfriend can come with me. I don't think I can do it alone. I promise I won't attempt suicide. I promised my boyfriend, too, and I can't bear to hurt him that way. I can't help feeling like I want to, though, but maybe with the support of this place I can get through it. Thank you so much for talking to me.
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