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Reply #1 -
03/15/07
10:59pm
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My ex used to suggest I go for a walk sometimes when I was really upset, and since I am territorial, it came accross to me as a threat. (As it turned out years later, though, he did try to get me to leave the kids)
I think your husband's perception of your intentions was just different than yours. When someone is getting upset like that, if you can, try to remember they are projecting their frustration on you, it is not about you per se. But when you are stressed too, that doesn't always help.
Also, it works better, usually, to ask him what he needs you to do instead of make suggestions - that helps him focus instead of blame. Again, that is easier said than done, when someone is blasting at you. 
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Reply #2 -
03/15/07
11:05pm
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He wonders why I am so quiet on the phone sometimes, it is for this exact reason. When I am trying to be supportive he takes it the total opposite way and yells at me.
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Reply #3 -
03/15/07
11:16pm
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Hey Becky, It will get better. It sounds as if you are both dealing with lots of stress. It sounds like with all the documents he needs they are clearing him for a security clearance. Those can be very stressful especialy if they are interviewing him and asking lots of questions, which they always do. My husband was in the Navy 20 years on submarines and he worked on the nuclear reactors that powered them. He had to get secret security clearance a couple of times. He was always stessed during that time. I just tried to help him the best I could through those times. I tried to understand that it was the stress that was making him act that way and say the things he did. The next few weeks will be stressfull for both of you with him being away. It will get better once he has settled into his new job and new routine. My husband always came around and saw he was putting undue stress on me and he would apoligize and things always got better. I hope tomorrow will be better for you.
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Reply #4 -
03/15/07
11:26pm
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Do you think he would be willing, after things settle down at work a little, to go to counseling so you can both learn how to communicate better? Or work on a self-help book together at home?
Could you message me about IC, my daughter has had the same problems with UTI treatments, and thinking endometriosis, but not quite finding the problem.
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Reply #5 -
03/15/07
11:28pm
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That came across a little funny, I think - if your husband knows you are wanting to work on this problem with him, he might not feel defensive, like it is all his fault.
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Reply #6 -
03/15/07
11:41pm
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He won't go to counceling, I have asked on several occasions! His responce is why? So we can pay someone $200 and hour to tell you that you need to do what you are supposed to do? Everything that is wrong between us is my fault. Like I wouldn't have to call you a B#$ch if you weren't acting like one. So I really don't know what to do or what to say. We were doing so wonderful the last two months! Now that he is stressed out we are back to me walking on egg shells again.
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Reply #7 -
03/15/07
11:49pm
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If he is absolutely unwilling to budge on being accountable for his anger/rage, it will only deteriorate until something happens - he loses it and abuses you or one of the kids.
You might not think you need to, but you should contact your local women's shelter. They can give you good info on what is happening, and what you can/need to do to get/stay safe.
For you and your kids.
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Reply #8 -
03/15/07
11:50pm
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why do you believe it's all your fault?
It's not your fault he's acting like that.
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Reply #9 -
03/16/07
12:16am
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From a man's point of view.. is just about not having control. It sounds like your husband is a controlling person? Perhaps he just thinking out loud. If you understand why he is yelling... then that's better then not knowing why. ???
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Reply #10 -
03/16/07
12:24am
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He does need to be in control, he doesn't know I still visit this site. He doesn't want me to talk about personal stuff to other people, especially if it is about him. He says that is unacceptable and will divorce me if I talk to others negatively about him.
I think this is all about control, he is so used to controlling everything we do here and now he has no control. Not to mention he is going to be gone for 6 weeks of training, and is feeling overwhelmed and can't controll anything there. He was a supervisor at the last airline he worked (in control) now he is new, and in training and doesn't know a lot of things about the new job. (no control)
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