Dementia Support Group

My mom is doing that, too, talking about moving to a retirement community closer to where they used to live before they had to sell their home and move to the assisted living community hours away. No way my mom, though, could live independently again, so I don't have to worry about getting her moved and all that. She still has my stepdad and he is taking care of her needs between times when the health aides and others are taking care of stuff for her. If my mom was alone, on her own, that would be so hard to work out something with my other family member to let my mom actually move somewhere else. But maybe your mom is capable of moving somewhere else and living on her own. Either way, you have my respect and support, it is a hard place to be in when your only other family member is closer but has not been as involved as you in the situation. Please get some relief for your migraines. I have them, too, always worse with family situations surrounding my mom.

So, is she being played? Do our loved ones know what they are doing or not?

I guess it depends on whether your mom has dementia or not. I didn't read in your message anywhere that your mom has been diagnosed with dementia. Can I ask why she's living where she is? I mean, my other gramma was in assisted living for medical physical reasons but didnt have dementia was able after a while to actually move in with her sister. No, not giving false hopes, just think we should know if her mom actually suffers from dementia before we go telling her it will get worse.
We dont even know her mom's condition.

I think she has been diagnosed. My mother refuses to let me talk to her doctors or even know their names. But she is taking something to improve her memory (would only let me see the pill, not the bottle, so I don't even know what it is) and she talks about the doctor who gave her that prescription as if she is a first class witch for insinuating that my mother is less than 100% alert.
Here's an update. Finally after many false starts and attempts to steer her in another direction, I worked with a friend of hers to help her close her real estate deal the best we could. Now I am trying to make sure the move goes ok, all from a distance. Yesterday I yelled at my sister who called again saying she had had her feelings hurt by my mom, and that mom was refusing help. I keep telling her to expect that, I think this was the 8th conversation exactly on that topic, but she doesn't seem to be able to internalize that message. I can't hold her hand every day, manage my mom's stuff while she works against me, keep the wolves from the door (I'm referring to her real estate agent and the like), be a single mom to my kids, fend off my crazy X, and run a household on no money. So, I want her to at least do the little she can do, without giving me a blow by blow of the predictable abuse my mom dishes out, to which I have to respond the same way over and over. Just one thing off my back, please!
She was living in a retirement community but not assisted living. The good thing was that they did have assisted living for those who needed it. Now she will be on her own. And today I spent a half hour on the phone with her trying to convince her that Saturday is the end of the month, and she has to be out of her place by then. She will not let me talk to the mover.
At least my headaches are not as bad. I am taking a que sera attitude. I'll do what I can.

I know this is going to sound harsh, but if EVERYTHING goes wrong, what will happen?

If she doesn't move out when she is supposed to, if the absolute worst thing occurs, what will happen?

And if it does happen, if the cops come to drag her out of the house which is no longer her house, what will be the result of the worst happening?

If nothing else, you won't be the only person in the world who knows that she has dementia. You might suddenly be allowed to talk to her doctors, for example, because they will have to talk to someone.

I mean, if the proverbial s@@@ hits the fan, it just might be a GOOD THING.

Well, Imastar, right again. She has been saying that she will die unless she can get out of the place she is in, and if she goes past the 1st she pay have to pay another month - this would make her livid and I don't want to try to field her desire to sue somebody.
But then, since I was a child she has been saying that the stress would kill her, and she's still (not all) here.
Worst case. She will arrive at her new place with the movers and her stuff and not be able to get in, because I could not arrange for her to get the key, since she would not, absolutely would not, get the arrival date from the movers.
Or, she stays too long in her old place and they charge her for another month.
Or, she arrives at her new place and the utilities are not turned on, she has no food, can't find her way to drive around, etc.
I guess none of these are life threatening. I will just have to let it go and try to fish my own life out of the gutter and piece it together now.

You are right. They are not life threatening.

If she actually is OK mentally, and at this point you don't know one way or the other, she will survive all of this.

If she isn't OK mentally, it is all going to come out into the open and she is the one who caused that to happen.

You got a Win-Win situation here. You can't do anything to fix it. So why not just wait and see how it all works out?

I am a home careprovider for dementia patients,I am dealing with one lady now who's family
is keep her at home for as long as possible.What you need to get is a medical POA.that way you or your sister can make the decisions on were she is.I would recomed an assisted living facility or one geard to dementia. and understand this is a disease and try not to take things she says or does personally. Just think about it this way.imagine being locked inside your head and not being able to get out.

wintari, all of that is good advice, but useless with someone who is in denial, is manipulating both of her daughters to control them (and probably always has), will not even allow her daughters to speak to the doctors, etc., etc., etc.

Basically you can't make someone do legal paperwork while they are still competent to sign the papers. You can only wait until they are totally incompetent and go to court with some people. And this really is one of those situations.

About the only thing her two daughters can do is wait it all out and try not to go nuts themselves in the process.

If you are not being allowed to fix it, you really don't have any responsibility if it all blows up in the face of the person who won't let you fix it.

And sometimes that is the way it is.

Good advice. Thank you.
Well, she moved, and so far it seems to have gone ok. I am a wreck, and everyone is acting like I am Chicken Little, since everything seems to be ok. After cajoling and guilting her, finally my sister stepped up and now she is a golden girl for being so helpful. Meanwhile my life, which I have been neglecting, is now a swirling mass of worry and disaster.
There's no winning this. Well, at least that part is pretty much over.