Dementia Support Group

The answer to your questions is YES.

Thriver, it looks to me like you need to take a step back...look at what's o your plate and prioritize. You and youyr immediate family (kids) come first. Talk to your sister (who is closer in location to your Mom). Spellout what is going on with your Mom. Be very clear that you need her (sister's) help with your Mom. Then together, both of you need to lay a set plan out for your Mom, with no wiggle room for her to sucker you into caving. Example: Mom, you'ver decided you want to make this move. With everything else happening, this is the only way we can make it happen. I'll do ..xyz... and... (sister) will take care of.... If this is really what you want to do this is how it will be done.
Thjen if she decides to go ahead, any call you get that relates to what your sister is to takle care of, tell her to call your sister. She doe thje same ifd Mom calls her for something in your balliwick. By doing it this nwayt you are respecting her as an adult, but dealing with the childish behavior she's exhibiting. When you do this you'll be taking back command of your life and reducing the stress that's sending you 'round the bend.
Just an idea. rocasi

Well. Now what? Thanks for your clear reply.....what can I do? I guess I'll have to think about it.

I guess the "clear reply" was in answer to my post.

I suggest that you take a close look at what rocasi suggested. It looks like a good workable plan. If your mother actually can live on her own, this will work. If she can't you and your sister need to make some hard decisions.

But the two of you need to do everything together and make sure that you treat your mother the way a good set of parents treat a difficult child. With kindness, firmness and with a single voice.

If you let her divide and conquer, which is what it looks like she is doing, you are going to go under. And if that happens she is going to find herself working with people who don't care about her personally.

Thanks you two. My sister is very willing to help, but my mother pushes her away. She is also VERY verbally abusive to my sister, and now and then my sister has to back off for her own mental health. I feel I have to support both of them, plus my kids. I feel like a little lifeboat that is going to sink under too much weight but they keep jumping on.
Yes, Star, I must have pressed send the same time as Rocasi, my reply was to you. So far I have tried to draw the line and it has worked a little bit, but not enough with what I see coming down the pike.
She is going to go ahead and I have all but decided not to travel to her again to help with the move. My sister can do that. If my mom won't let her, then she will get a taste of having to cope on her own, as she seems to be so sure she can, or maybe just sure she can manipulate me.
Her mother's day card to me, implied that I am her mother too! Yikes!

It could be part of the dementia showing itself. My MIL was trying to move back home to England. She felt that she did not have this problem (dementia) back when she lived in England (she came here at 19) She is now 80. She seemed very rational but it was merely a cover for what was about to happen. She broke down and started talking wildly and yelling. This woman would have just not said a word if angry before but now she was yelling in public about how she could get on a train and go to England. She could get a job there and be just fine. She had seen her mother just recently and she was fine. Her mother has been dead for over 20 years. We had to put her in a nursing home. No she wasn't very happy at first but we had no choice. It was either that or she might have run away from home in the middle of the night in the cold with a summer dress on. That was just last fall. She currently only recognizes my husband and I when we visit(she has 2 other daughters close by and doesn't really know who they are). Once in a while she thinks that my husband is her dead husband (they do look alike). On those days I am some nasty woman that is chasing her husband. So that jealousy thing is "normal" for dementia. That also shows you that she is probably doing that same thing as my MIL. She is covering herself with a fake front. She probably has more trouble than you are aware of. You may need to get with your sister and make some big changes of your own. She may very well need that "mother" to make decision to have her stay in the housing complex or assisted living place. All of those behaviors you described was what my MIL displayed just prior to this breakdown. You will probably have to scoop her up and place her where she needs to be for her own wellbeing. She could end up lost somewhere trying to do this move thing.

Cwill has a good point. Every dementia patient I know of, my own husband included, spent a lot of energy hiding what was going on.

In fact, one of the problems that live in caregivers have is that they know something is wrong a long time before anyone else does. The rest of the family frequently goes into massive denial EVEN when a doctor has diagnosed the dementia.

Oh dear. For my own mental health I had decided to back off and let her move where she wants to, try to make it as solid a move as possible, but now I am wondering. Every time she thinks her deal is not going to go through, she gets very agitated. The real estate agent knows how set on it she is, and I feel she is railroading my mom into a bad deal.
Meanwhile my life is falling into a ditch. My STBX is filing crazy motions I'll have to defend in court, my kids need special attention due to their special needs, and financially I am sliding down the toilet.
Making that decision allowed me to sleep last night and I didn't have a migraine today. I wonder if I just have to let her fall flat on her face and then try to pick her up again. It will be costly in so many ways.

I hate to say it, but I think the answer to your new qustion is YES.

If she has dementia you do not know that at this time. So she is competent legally and morally to make her own decisions. And if that means she falls flat on her face that is what happens.

You are not sleeping because you have a lot on your plate. Too much? You can't make everything perfect. Trying will just make you sick and give you really bad headaches.

Dear Thriver,
I haven't been around here much lately (MOM is killing me too)....anyway..Look..she has been diagnosed with dementia?correct?This whole thing is part of it. I was in the exact situation where I had to place mom. It started with her suddenly acting crazy...I brought her to 3 different hospitals untill the last one a state psych hospital diagnosed her completely and committed her due to her bizzar behavior.They decided to keep her in the geriatric psych ward. It took almost 2 months to stabalize her with meds !. She was also able to contact lawyers with the aid of a pay phone, and managed to give him her entire money market account to prove in court that she did not have dementia and could go home to live alone again. Of course it couldn't be proved, the courts & state moved in and insisted I place her in a nursing home, she would not be cleared for discharge without that plan.Long story short....her dementia has taken some pretty weird turns..from crying spells, to childness, to anger and acuasations,paranoia, hallucinations and more. If someone had told me the truth in the beginning (3 years ago) I would of saved myself, my last year in nursing school...not to mention the many times I hit the wall in between.The $30,000 (1st time..it happened again and agian) lost due to her escapades with lawyers are only a drop in the bucket compared to everything else she cost and it just adds to that list.
Listen........I dont care if anyone here gets offended , but here's the truth. Your mom is nuts...will be getting nuttier and when the lucid moments hit...bad people may and will swoop in to make a buck or to just cause trouble. Demented people can be very convincing at times, everything to them is a drama.Please try not to feed into it. I repeat she will get worse and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it.Get a POA or have your sis's get her act going...Mom CANNOT live alone anymore. She is incapable of making sound decisions and like I said it DOES get worse. Sadly my mom was a manipulative drama queen before this, and the disease has taken her abusive behavior to new levels....Their entire thinking process gets wacked and we cant stop it.
Please understand...her life is ending..dementia is terminal...you on the other hand now have to deal with a lousy ex and have little ones that need you. Have her psych evaluated maybe at a hospital or get documents to establish her condition if it hasn't been already. Antipsychotic meds help with the dellusions a bit too.Unfortunately the courts feel these people have certain rights, which means they are allowed to blow their entire life savings (even though they are crazy)and lose their home at will. The courts insist that a guardianship (which proves them incompetant) is needed for their rights to be taken away. She is a child needing supervision, no longer an adult..and It will get worse..They need protection, not freedom to act on their own...would you let a 7 year old decide what he can and cant do?
Same thing..only our moms have an adult body and the "rights" to screw up not only their lives but ours. By the way guardianship can be very very expensive, it will be a court fight, I am sure your mom will fight it (they have to be proved incompetant remember and will also have to appear in court)..all you need is a slick lawyer and months down the line your mom has lost everything she owns,and will be told she IS INCOMPETANT..Its all one beg game with the system! If you get the guadianship it's not so good either. The courts monitor every dime you spend for her care and gets way too involved...you have to go to regular hearings etc. I opted out for that hot mess and eventually moved mom into my home. Its been 6 months and it has been the weirdest, longest and most stressfull 6 months I have ever had. Sadly..I wish her disease would just take over and end it. She has no quality of life..I take excellent care of her, but her mind is tortuting her and her moods,personality and health change every day.Sometimes up..most of the times down:(.
Pease find a way to settle her somewhere..and if all possible just let it go.It will only eat you alive. We cant save them, and honestly they probably have no clue as to what they are doing to us. Their world is a fantasy game in their heads and will get stranger and stranger.
Take care of yourself and you kids!...Place her, visit her if you want, but try to understand...the visits will really be for you..not her..much of her is not the same and will be gone soon. Dont feel guilty, their is nothing any of us can do but protect them the best we can and save ourselves at the same time.
Dementia is terminal, she will not get better, she will not remember the horrible trouble she has caused soon either. Let it go if you can...You still have your own life. I have been chronically ill now for almost 3 months.I am so run down and I cant even describe it. My hubby and son are devasted and see my decline along with moms. Dont do that to yourself. Place her, or do your best, settle her somewhere and let it go.
I am beginning to see some light out of this hell a bit myself and have started going to the doctors to get my health back. I will not die for her!...Mom is gone...I have to accept that. I have people that love me and need me and I have many years left to live, so do you!
Write me again if you want, we can exchange numbers to if you want to talk. I hate seeing someone else go through this without help of another that has already lost sooo much.
You will hit the wall if you dont get help..Please please dont let what happened to me happen to you.
Sincerely & lovingly
Morganfairy*