Dementia Support Group

Does she live with you?
I moved my mom in 6 months ago (vascular dementia) and she gets pretty cruel at times. I have heard this from other members here too.You are not alone in this...Personally, when mom says horrible things, I tell her loudly (she's hard of hearing) and firmly that she has no right to treat me or anyone else poorly. Being old DOES NOT give her the right...afterwards,, she actually gets better a bit and comes back to her fluffier reality. I think negative thoughts, energies..whatever you call them can crawl in our mom's head easier with this disease..we just have to straighten out and correct their behavior when we can. I dont know if everyone or anyone agrees, but I still have a tiny bit of my mom left in that body and age still doesn't give her the right to be cruel. dementia or not...it hurts. I laugh with her, I scold her, I feed her, I keep her company...its like having a cranky spoiled little girl.We are the parent now...be firm...dont blow up, but be firm.YOUR children come first!
write me anytime..morganfairy

Everything you have described is part of the disease. Is she under the care of a doctor? He needs to know what she is doing.

Thank you both. It was a big relief to find this community and really start to address the real problem. I do not know what her doctors are saying - she makes sure I don't have contact with them. She lives across the country but we visit and have frequent phone contact. Every visit is worse and worse. I step in when she is really bad with my kids or my sister, I seem to be one of the few who can. She can still keep it together for some people, distant relatives and some of her friends and others, who think we are just bad people for doing all the things she has made up about us.

Thriver, Whether you realize it or not, you are,or are becoming your Mother's caregiver. The fact that it's cross-country is a stumbling block, but not insurmountable. Obviously, you can't be there in person, all the time, but you can Contact the Mental Health Services where she is, and explore the options to setting up a Guardian for her. You can be clear that you expect to be included in decisions on her care, but the local person would deal with the day to day. From your descriptions of her behavior, she isn't competent, and can't be left to handle her own affairs.
She will be PO'd for a while, just like your kids when you don't let them do certain stuff. As ImAStar said in her response to one of your other entries, contact the Alzheimers Assn. They have a lot of information and resources regarding Dementia--not just Alz. You could consider moving her nearer to you, to make things easier to cope with (sort of).

Whatever choices you make, do the best you can to research and then decide. Don't let anyone else interfer. As long as you are seeing to her safety and welbeing and that of your family, and no one else is stepping up to the plate, do your best and call it GOOD.

Come here often, to vent or seek help. Offer help, or just share a hug. We'll be here. rocasi

Thank you. This is all so new I am just trying to get a grip. I know she could deteriorate fast and I don't want t let her make some big mistakes. On the other hand, I am afraid of her ferocious temper. I'm going through a very contentious divorce right now which makes it all worse. I feel like nothing else could possibly go wrong, then....poof!
I just hope I can manage. Being here helps me and is a great start. Getting the information from you all and looking things up really helps me realize how far along she is and how many symptoms she has. I just can't wait any longer.
Thank you.

I meant to add, I feel guilty about my feelings. It seems like my mother and this angry woman are all mixed up and sometimes I love her and am sick of her at the same time.

sounds like you might be losing patience,well sometimes when you tell them stop they might, its tuff do your best i am not the best person to give advice when i am considering a home for my father in law due to the fact i don't think i can do it anymore, do what you can do what you think is right but most of all i think don't let your children suffer name calling etc. if this is happening often you may need to consider not exposing the kids to this.

She only stops when I lose it. Then she stops. It's almost like she wants me to show my anger. Maybe she can't stand feeling my in-control frustration. Maybe she wants to turn it into anger because before I lose it, I feel a mixture of things - sorrow, amazement, fear at what will happen next, also anger. Maybe she can sense that and just wants it to blow out and stop swirling around. Maybe I am overanalyzing this.

Anger and nastiness can be symptoms of dementia. Generally the caregiver is the person who gets hit with both of them.

Being able to keep it together for distant relatives and doctors are also part of the disease. For some reason the patients can hang in there for short periods of time, sometimes even hours, and then they collapse when no one but the caregiver is around.

All of us have been though this stuff. Dementia patients, especially in the earlier stages are great at hiding what is wrong with them.

You need to step in and protect your children from her because she can't protect them herself. If your sisters are very young, that goes for them too.

She has lost her short term memory, so she really doesn't know that she has made a decision or asked someone to help her with something. If it is on her mind she will worry at it over and over again. It is just the way it is.

I forgot to respond to the guilt, and I really wanted to.

All of us walk around with this huge guilt trip every time something doesn't go perfectly.

A couple of weeks ago I snapped and suddenly had a light blub moment.

IT IS NOT MY FAULT, AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX IT.