A "codependent" is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for other people's struggles.
Codependency advocates claim a codependent ...
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Family Buttons LG 7/15
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Tuesday, July 15, 2008
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go I was thirty five years old the first time I spoke up to my mother and refused to buy into her games and manipulation. I was terribly frightened and almost couldn't believe I was doing this. I found I didn't have to be mean. I didn't have to start an argument. But I could say what I wanted and needed to say to take care of myself. I learned I could love and honor myself, and still care about my mother - the way I wanted to - not the way she wanted me to. --Anonymous Who knows better how to push our buttons than family members? Who, besides family members, do we give such power? No matter how long we or our family members have been recovering, relationships with family members can be provocative. One telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological tailspin that lasts for hours or days. Sometimes, it gets worse when we begin recovery because we become even more aware of our reactions and our discomfort. That's uncomfortable, but good. It is by beginning this process of awareness and acceptance that we change, grow, and heal. The process of detaching in love from family members can take years. So can the process of learning how to react in a more effective way. We cannot control what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we choose to react. Stop trying to make them act or treat us any differently. Unhook from their system by refusing to try to change or influence them. Their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. How we react, or allow these patterns to influence us, is our issue. How we take care of ourselves is our issue. We can love our family and still refuse to buy into their issues. We can love our family but refuse their efforts to manipulate, control, or produce guilt in us. We can take care of ourselves with family members without feeling guilty. We can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive. We can set the boundaries we need and want to set with family members without being disloyal to the family. We can learn to love our family without forfeiting love and respect for ourselves. Today, help me start practicing self care with family members. Help me know that I do not have to allow their issues to control my life, my day, or my feelings. Help me know it's okay to have all my feelings about family members, without guilt or shame. Posted on 07/15/08, 06:07 am |
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Whoo hoo! once again, divine intervention just when needed.
thanks sweetie for all you do and the good you send into the universe!!! i hope this finds you well. xo 
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I found myself thinking of some "friends" when I was reading this, rather than family. Mostly because I have very little family. THanks!
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I swear that this is totally in alignment with me today. My mother called this morning and I am still desperately trying to get back to center.
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thank you,
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hit me between the eyes ,i am realizing that taking care of myself does disrupt my familys plans but if they try to send me on a guilt trip i dont have to fly !! blessings mebeefree
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Again SherollW, I am here saying thank you for your thoughtful shares with this group.
As with the others, I am seeing myself in this passage today. Last night I found out through the small town grapevine that my ex is drinking and smoking pot again. It's been several months since we have talked but when I ended it, he promised me that he was going to be sober at the end of the 6mo time frame I had set for contact. I told him if he could stay sober and working his program for at least 6mo, I would be willing to talk to him again - no promises but I would answer the phone.... I guess part of me still believed that our relationship really was as important as he was proclaiming - even though he had proven time and time again that his disease was doing the driving. I still had hope - I had no idea! I knew that he wouldn't get sober. I know that he's not serious enough yet. That's why I ended it. Still, hearing that he is still in the black hole makes my heart hurt. I have been mildly obsessed with thoughts of this all day. I am aware that this is part of my codependent issues and am managing to keep it in perspective - in my head anyway. My heart still hurts for him. He is so wonderful and I so wish he could be in charge of his addiction. I guess I thought I had let those feelings go. I thought I was successfully detached. I was suprised that I felt so much after all of this. Like the passage says...detaching can take a long time. I just hadn't recognized this in myself - something new to consider I suppose. Progress - not perfection.
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AA Thought for the Day
(courtesy AAOnline.net) July 16, 2008 Revelations Although I can barely recall anything about that [first] meeting, I heard two things I have never forgotten. The first was, "You don't have to drink again." This was a total revelation to me. For a long time, I had believed that alcohol was one of the few positive things left in my life. I looked forward to my first drink every evening and thought that alcohol was holding my life together. I had to drink to survive, let alone to have any comfort. Yet here were people who had been in the same boat telling me that I didn't have to drink. I don't think I believed them that night, but it gave me enough hope to quit drinking the rest of the day. The second thing I heard was "You don't have to be alone anymore." This too was a revelation. © 2001 AAWS, Alcoholics Anonymous, pp.364-365 I am an alcoholic myself with a history of 18 years in and out of AA. I have to wonder if your ex has also made 'progress-not perfection' to some extent.
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Yes, I'm sure he has made some progress. I hope he is still going to meetings in spite of his relapses.
I am so sorry that the progress he has made is not enough for me. Loving him, watching him kill himself, sacrificing my security - it just hurts too much....I suppose I will always wish it was different. I know he does.
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Thus post refers to loved ones and old relationships alike,And I (you) have to stand for yourself. For what is right. And be at peace with myself.(yourself)
Ps iame is now ever going to be nicenbouncee as I have always been and have not hidden. If you want me ,befriend nicenbouncee.
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