A "codependent" is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for other people's struggles.
Codependency advocates claim a codependent ...
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A PIECE OF MY STORY........
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Hello,
I feel compelled to tell my story about what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now... I grew up in an alcoholic home..My father was a drunk and my mother was the flaming codependent...My mother always tried to keep the home together and my father always caused chaos and unrest..I remember at an early age thinking that if only i was financially well, off then everything would be ok...I realize now that my father planted that tape, becuase anytime i wanted his attention i would get 100 or 200 dollars to go spend on whatever i wanted..My father showed his love by dishing out the money...That was his availablility to me..My mother on the other hand was so consummed with my fathers actions that she was totally unavailable to me...I was viewed as more of a hassle then a son...I remember acting out early in life just to get the attention i so craved...Even if it was negative in nature i didnt care as long as i got it.. From as early as i can remember i just didnt feel like i fit in anywhere...I learned the skill of people pleasing early because it was an easy way to make friends and keep them(so i thought)...I became the class clown and provided whatever i could to a situation just so i would be liked...Now as i look back i would have sold my soul just to fit in...Inside the 4 walls at my house it was str8 jerry springer but when the 4 of us left we were the clever family...So the next tape i learned was as long as the outside looked good then the inside didnt matter...So i went to work on cultivating the skills to be able to totally cover the inside and make the outside look like a million dollars..(Little did i know that was a death sentence)...Once i graduated high school i decided to go into the air force to escape my crazy life in florida...Little did i know at that time that i had no identity at all and didnt even know who i was as a human existing on this earth.. Up until this point i hadnt used drugs or alcohol addictively...so i thought...Once in the air force i needed the same attention i never got in my home...So i couldnt do drugs..So the next best thing was a woman...I found THE ONE...I put all my effort into her and i assumed her identity...so much so that i failed out of tech school...Now i scored above gifted on the asvab test and landed the most amazing job as a goverment intelligence agent..with top secret clearence...Well long story short i finished the air force and my best thinking told me to get out....so i did...Bad choice...I came home to florida, and started to start the pattern and cycle that almost took my life... I started yet again to look for what was going to complete me...The relationship i had in the air force failed miserably and i didnt want one of them again...So the next tape was financial success... So thats what i did.... I became very successful by selling drugs....Pharmacutical drugs...illegal drugs.... I had everything i thought i needed...Woman at my fingertips, money, power, and all the control one could want.. I HAD ARRIVED... I had acheived what i thought to be the american dream.... I was rich and powerful and had all the toys onne could want in life.... But everytime i went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror i wanted to puke.... even with 50 thousand dollars under my bed, a beautiful car, all the woman one could want, and the time to do whatever i wanted to do... I WAS STILL EMPTY...... I couldnt shake the emptiness inside that i felt... So i did what any good addict would do... MORE MORE MORE.... Well that didnt work and i got to the point at the end that i had a 45 in my mouth wanting to die.... I had gone to jail about 4 times in all this, but none of it for the drug sales i was doing... i checked myself into rehab for drugs and my therapist looked at me and said we treat drug addiction here and what you have james is an addiction to lifestyle... So i left the treatment program and decided if i just tone it down everything will be ok... Well that didnt work, but i must say i did stay clean through all of this...of drugs and alcohol...but the emptiness was still lingering inside me and i was still a shell of a person... i was a lair, cheat and a theif.... It was at this point i realized that i was addictive in nature and the core of my problems lied in my childhood of orgin stuff and my emotional immaturity.... The nurturing and unconditional love i never recieved as a child coming from a disfunctional home.. Drugs, drink, gambling, sex, eating, shopping werent my problem....that was just a symptom of the disease.... MY PROBLEM WAS ME AND THE TAPES THAT I PLAYED IN MY HEAD... I firmly beleive today that the center of my disease lies in my thinking and behavior and my reaction to those things causes me to suffer the pain and misery of repeating the cycle... I finally(after exhuasting every idea i had of getting it done) stepped into a 12 step program armed with a little willingness and a little openmindedness....I still didnt want to be honest with myself... But the other 2 gave me a chance to start the long process of recovery... At first i was unwilling to accept that god wanted anything to do with me...I did some really bad stuff and couldnt imagine... And i was GOD..... So i thought.............................................. i hung around a while and started to grasp just a little of what they were saying but still wasnt sold on the idea that this would work for me... I was still the center of attention at this point...beautiful girl, nice car, great job, nice house and all that was working for me to make friends... BUT I WAS STILL EMPTY INSIDE... Not that i would let you see that... I was perfect on the outside....Why would that change...my willpower never worked to change that...just hanging around sober people and fellowshipping wasnt going to change it either...going to meetings alone didnt do it, just doing service didnt do it, i started to realize that those 12 steps on the wall was the only thing i hadnt tried, but i still wasnt ok with the god thing.... At this point i was broken and i knew it, BUT, I was still god in alot of ways.... So along i went getting more and more miserable as the days passed and still looked to the outside for validation and i got it but THE EMPTINESS NEVER WENT AWAY STILL!!!!! Finally i met rocky and rocky was a str8 shooter who would call me on my stuff and start to break down the wall of denial so much so that i started to not like him at all...lol... He started to arm me with the truth about this disease so much so that it was impossible for me to act out on my defects and enjoy it like i used to... At this point tho i was ready for change...I was beat up... I asked rocky to sponsor me and take me through the steps...see the hardest thing for me to do was to ask another man for help..i was god and i had this thing..so for me to ask for help made me look weak... I see today that simple question helped save my life.... I started to rip the big book of aa apart with rocky and learned about the disease and about how to clean up the wreckage of my past and get a god of my understanding... I understand the disease today as 3 fold...... Pyhsical allergy, mental obssession, and a spiritual malady... I understand i lost the power of choice in certain matters in life and i had sold myself short... Due to the tapes i played over and over in my head on a daily basis... My self esteem, self respect, dignity, character had all gone away and i was a shell of a person still looking from the outside in for the validation i so wanted in life.... Once i started the process of working steps i started to see the patterns and cycles in my life and the false beliefs i had about you, me and god... I was finally ready to get honest with the one person i lied to my whole life.... ME!!!!!! I had to walk through the fear and address the things that kept me blocked off from the sunlight of the spirit (as they say).... i have been sober since april 14, 2005 and i must say the struggle is well worth the payoff.... I understand today that perfection nor control have any place for me in my life....not if i want balance and peace of mind... the 1 thing i could never buy in life or trade is PEACE OF MIND... Today i must say i have a level of peace and inner condition that no amount of woman or money or drugs could give me for 30 years.... The program for me is about inside out...not outisde in... The 12 steps were the gateway for me to make some significant changes in order to have a life worth living... This is a gift from god and comes on a 1 day at a time basis as long as i do a few simple things.... clean house, help others and TRUST GOD..... Today i suit up and show up and the rest is really none of my buisness.... I know if your like me nothing could bring me back from the depths of hell i was in... I tried it all.... AND FAILED.... My god today doesnt fall short and loves me unconditionally.... Human and worldly thing do fall short and if i put my power in those things i will be dissappointed always.... That has been my experience in this recovery process.... Hope someone identifies and reaches out and starts the process of recovery... I wish you all well AND KEEP COMING BACK.... THE MIRACLE DOES HAPPEN..... Non tangible is the way to go....... Thank you all for the support here on the forum and i hope you all find your inner peace..... hugs James Posted on 05/31/08, 06:05 pm |
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i can relate, i have been going to alanon meetings for a few years, it took alot of listening and absorbing before i was truely ready to work the steps, the whole god thing is still hard for me, but i'm trying. i attended catholic school for 8 years and it wasn't a good experience, now trying to think that god actually cares about me is a hard concept to accept but i think i'm getting there. my husband is an alcoholic and says he doesn't want to quit. its so hard seeing what it does to him, he has such a negative outlook i feel sorry for him, i used to feel the same way before alanon but the people there made me realize that there are good, loving people in the world who care about one another i wish he could feel that way, he's a good person but the alcohol has taken all of the joy from his life and i have to work my program everyday because it would be so easy to go back to living the way i used to and seeing life the way he does, its a struggle to live with someone who only sees the negative side of things, i didn't even realize how low my self esteem was until i started working on step 4, there were alot of people in my past that contributed to my feelings of low self worth, but now its up to me to decide on what kind of person i want to be and to take the necessary steps to get there. i also have a great sponsor who has helped me see that i am loveable and deserving of a happy life. 
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Thanks James and I am so proud of you! I understand the journey are on and applaud your ability to look clearly at you! That is what we are all looking for I think. A clear vision of me! I too have a hard time with the HP issue. I have also been God in my world. Relinquishing that control has really been a freeing experience. I still don't have a belief in a traditional God but am able to Let Go and believe that something more powerful than myself will show me the way - eventually. I have never trusted anyone or anything that much in my life and this is the first time I have not been disappointed by giving a part of myself.
Thank you for your honesty and inspiration.
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Thanks James. I know all too well that feeling of emptiness. I tried using work, tried using women, and tried using status and all to fill that emptiness, and it just doesn't work. It's not sustainable. I've started to face the emptiness, reveal myself safely to other people, and I pray that I step into wholeness some day.
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A peice of your story? I had to order a pizza to get thur it! LOL!!
Your story tells of your struggles but it also shows your growth. I think your doing an amazing job in your journey of healing. 3 years clean is wonderful. Your new found relationship with God is yours and only yours. That is one thing that you do have control over and no one can take away from you. I'm happy you are choosing to explore it and finding your way. Be patient my friend, time will bring it all together for you, just keep trying. Hugs to Lorie
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I admire your strength and courage James...and congrats on staying sober that takes some motivation......
Im assuming ur sense of emptiness has been eradicated by your belief in god....i am so jealous of you for that......when i used to believe in god i still had hope in my life and something to hold on to..... good luck and best wishes
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Thanks for sharing your story, What honesty! I joined this forum awhile back but am realizing the past few days that I have some issues that I need to work through and decided to read some more here. Thanks for the inspiration!
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Wow...thank you for sharing your story.
I can kind of relate in that my alcoholic father was also there for me by giving me money whenever I needed attention, but that was about it. My mom just kept telling me that it was the only way he knew how to show me love. I still have an issue with that. Congratulations on your sobriety and how far you have come. Hugs!
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