Codependency Support Group

I see you say in your profile you cannot make your Mom happy. You are codependent, therefore, with your Mom. It is not your job to make her happy, it is hers. And yes, this gets worse when the spouse dies. If you let them, they will take over your whole life, which will be trying, but never succeeding, in making them happy. Oh, and forget about your life. You are the iron lung. Been there. Still there, but much better.

You mentioned it is worse when the spouse dies, my dad died in Sept 2007 of suicide. My mom has gotten worse and I'm trying to regain my life and it's not easy when someone expects so much of you, but you don't know what. Boy this is a rough ride.

You mentioned it is worse when the spouse dies, my dad died in Sept 2007 of suicide. My mom has gotten worse and I'm trying to regain my life and it's not easy when someone expects so much of you, but you don't know what. Boy this is a rough ride.

I am sorry about your dad. I too am a survivor of suicide. In fact, my father in law just did it, and I expect it to contribute to finishing off my marriage. But at least monster-in-law has a life.

People who expect other people to make them happy usually expect this first from their spouse. When my father died years ago, my mother, who is very dependent, fell on me like a ton of bricks. From very early in life, I got the message I was responsible for her feeling good. This worsened after my father died. Although it had been a dream of mine to travel the world, I spent every vacation for 13 years with my mother. When I finally managed to plan a trip to Italy, her response was not that's great or whatever, but this: I wish you could come see me. Depressing. That's when I realized how selfish she was, and I continued with my travels. I am always learning this lesson anew with her.

Your mom needs to get in with a Survivors of Suicide group and do anything and everything to bring other people into her life. Many parents think nothing of making their children responsible for them: in other words, USING them to meet their needs.

If you had children, would you lay this guilt and responsibility on them? Of course not. Respect, attention, time, yes: in proportion. Then you have to let it go. You must have friends, a partner, and a life of your own. Your mother is part of it, not its center.

You cannot make her happy; trust me, it is like pouring water into a sieve. Live the life God gave you and don't feel guilty. It's the only one you get.

NoOneLeft, gave a good answer. It is NOT your job to fix things for others. That is one form of codependency. Happiness comes from people who are happy. It's contagious. It is also something to relearn when you've taken care of everyone except yourself for so long. Take a deep breath, let go and LIVE again.

Several good points you made. My mom is in and out of therapy, she says she goes when she wants to. She attends a SOS meeting once a month. I think she has made progress in finally relizing we can't replace Dad and we can't fill that hole he left. But I wish she would spend more time in therapy and work thur issues that keep her angry all the time. It's not my dad's death that caused it, it has been going on about 5 years strong. For me I think it's been happening very sutly over my life. Just has gotten strong over the last 5 years I need to know where to start. Thanks for helping

Lorie, you have a right to expect your mom to do EVERYTHING in her power to feel better without resorting to laying it on you, if that is what is happening.

I have bipolar disorder. If I do not do EVERYTHING in my power to stay well, I have no right to expect anyone to put up with my disease. Period.

I never thought of it like that. She know she needs more time with the therapist and she needs to take her antiaxity (sp?) medication, but it she chooses not to go or take the meds then..............
Is it oh well that's your problem. I can't make her go or make her take her meds and if I ask she tells everyone that I'm trying to run her life, so I don't say anything, and then I don't care. I don't like this chasing the tail thing.

Only you can stop the chasing of the tail. For me, it works best when i practice opposites...when i do the opposite of what i normally do.

I finally said to my aunt (who is similar to your mother)...
"I am happy to assist you if you need my help but please dont ask for my help if you don't intent to use it to make your life easier. If you want to continue to complain and be miserable that is your choice. But I have shown you a way to solve your problem and you seem invested in it remaining a problem. I love you, but we can't ask anyone to do something for us that we can't do for ourself."
blah blah blah...

then you have to "broken record" it until she gets it.

it won't be easy, but your feeling of going crazy will gradually subside and eventually she may learn to rely on herself.

this is emotional manipulation...pure and simple.

you are not alone!!!!
xo

Right. I'll be happy to help you as I am able when you do everything you are supposed to be doing to help yourself. Over and over.