Codependency Support Group

Boundries. A codependant conundrum.

This is about different kinds of boundries~ legal, professional and personal.

Although Personal boundries are something we deal with on a daily basis.

Asserting one's self is also important in codenpendants. You must also know the consequences for inappropriate behavior.



Take a Landlord/tenant situation for example:



If your boundry is that you want a tenant to move (for whatever reason)that includes giving a tenant proper legal notice. You do have the legal obligation to inform them in writing or verbally if that has been your relationship. Sending your boyfriend (who claims not to be your lover to a woman he is trying to get to move here,who won't let you talk on the phone without making commentary in the background, who claims to be holding the soul of a woman named Jay in his body, who is a 4X deadbeat dad~ ((and he wonders why he is a "childless father")), who has tried at least 3 get rich quick schemes since your have known him, not worked any job with out getting either fired or just not showing up because it wasn't good enough, screwed at least one of your friends out of ten grand, and is convincing you the tenant ((who is paying you rent that you really need-since the bum isn't working or contributing to the household in any way) is a witch for burning tea candles((Could this be any more rediculous~they are just tea candles,)) Allowing him to terrorize the tenant is inappropriate. Allowing him to unplug electricity and endanger the life of pets, the tenant is not appropriate.

You, as the landlord, have a legal obligation to assert yourself and give appropriate notice. If you do not assert yourself and be appropriate, you set yourself up for calls to the Police in the middle of the night when this behavior is continued.

A boundry for the tenant may be a restraining order.



Another example:



If you are studying for a degree in the world of Psychology and you are told that conferences with clients are completely confidential and you break that confidentiality: the clients confidentiality~ you are setting yourself up to ruin your own reputation.

A boundry for that client may be to have a discussion with the head of the school and you may be expelled.



And another:

If you are my friend and I see you starting to act absorbed into someone else and I know your history to be that of codependancy and abuse, I will tell you. I will pull your covers as they say. I will tell you three times. This is my boundry. After three, you are out of my scope and need more help than I can provide and all I can do is give it to God.

That is a hard one, especially for this woman, especially when your friends are your family.

It breaks my heart to see a woman that I care about in a situation I know to be oh so familiar.

The boundry I have to hold for this one is to walk away from you and anyone who continues to have anything to do with you until you get appropriate help.



This is about different kinds of boundries~ legal, professional and personal.



It is, in my opinion important to integrate all three so that you have a healthy balance.

It is important to realize all consequences of boundries and behaviors.

Boundries are about personal safety.

I have learned it is really important to listen to your friends in recovery ( who are sober and not smoking weed) when they tell you they love you and you are in danger.

People who burn tea candles are not dangerous.

Someone who slashes your convertable top and steals your cds and ciggies because they are so full of envy and hate are dangerous.

People who send you insane voice mails (calling you an abomination or threatenting you in any way) out of the blue..are dangerous.

People who tell you you cannot shower because a "spirit" HAS to make you do a ceremony in the bathtub are dangerous..People who defer to dead people are dangerous.

People who change beliefs like their underware and send you crazy scripture one day and another belief the next, are really dangerous.

People who take "instructions" from spirits are very dangerous ( think Son of Sam who took instructions from a dog.)

People who are delusional and psychotic will not hear you tell them to get help because they believe what they say is true.

People who have their lover as a Higher Power can become psychotic with their sick lover.

And paraphrased from Robert Burney:



The process of Recovery teaches us how to take down the walls and protect ourselves in healthy ways - by learning what healthy boundaries are, how to set them, and how to defend them. It teaches us to be discerning in our choices, to ask for what we need, and to be assertive and Loving in meeting our own needs. (Of course many of us have to first get used to the revolutionary idea that it is all right for us to have needs.)



The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty, to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.



We need to start becoming aware of what healthy behavior and acceptable interaction dynamics look like before we can start practicing them ourselves - and demanding the proper treatment from others. We need to start learning how to be emotionally honest with ourselves, how to start owing our feelings, and how to communicate in a direct and honest manner. Setting personal boundaries is vital part of healthy relationships - which are not possible without communication.



No one deserves to be treated abusively. No one deserves to be lied to and betrayed.



Learning to set boundaries is vital to learning to love our self, and to communicating to other's that we have worth.

There are basically three parts to a boundary. The first two are setting the boundary - the third is what we will do to defend that boundary.

If you - a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.)
I will - a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.

If you continue this behavior - a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.

One very drastic example (in the case of someone who is just learning about boundaries and has been physically abused in the past) would be:

If you ever hit me, I will call the police and press charges - and I will leave this relationship. If you continue to threaten me, I will get a restraining order and prepare to defend myself in whatever manner is necessary.
It is not always necessary or appropriate to share the third part of this formula with the other person when setting a boundary - the first two steps are the actual setting of the boundary. The third part is something we need to know for ourselves, so that we know what action we can take if the other person violates the boundary. If we set a boundary and expect the other person to abide by it automatically - then we are setting ourselves up to be a victim of our expectation.

Since behavior patterns are quite ingrained in all of us, it is important to allow the other person some wiggle room to make a change in behavior - unless the behavior is really intolerable.

To go from one extreme to the other is a reaction to a reaction - and is codependent. There are choices in between which are sometimes hard for us to see if we are reacting. To go from tolerating verbally abusive behavior to leaving a relationship in one step is swinging between extremes. It is helpful to set boundaries that allow for some gradual change.

When I ask you what is wrong and you say "Never mind," and then slam cabinet doors and rattle pots and pans and generally seem to be silently raging about something,
I feel angry, frustrated, irritated, hopeless, as if you are unwilling to communicate with me, as if I am supposed to read your mind.

I want you to communicate with me and help me to understand if I have done something that upsets you.

If something is bothering you and you will not tell me what it is, I will confront you about your behavior and share my feelings.

If you continue that behavior, I will confront your behavior, share my feelings, and insist that we go to counseling together.

If you keep repeating this behavior I will start considering all of my options, including leaving this relationship.

The consequences we set down for behavior we find unacceptable should be realistic - in that, the change that we are asking for is something that is within the others power (rather they are willing to take that responsibility is another thing altogether) - and enforceable, something that we are willing to do.

It is also important to set consequences that impact the other person more than us. Often when people are first learning how to set boundaries, they do not think it through far enough. They set boundaries that impact themselves as much or more than the other person. For example, a single parent with a teenager who needs to get consequences for coming home late, or bad grades, or whatever, may be tempted to say something like "If you miss your curfew again, you will be grounded for a month." The reality of grounding a teenager for a month is that it often means the parent is also grounded for a month. If taking away driving privileges means then you will have to drive them to school - maybe you want to choose some other consequence.

Choices
Setting a boundary is not making a threat - it is communicating clearly what the consequences will be if the other person continues to treat us in an unacceptable manner. It is a consequence of the other persons behavior.

Setting a boundary is not an attempt to control the other person (although some of the people who you set boundaries with will certainly accuse you of that - just as some will interpret it as a threat) - it is a part of the process of defining ourselves and what is acceptable to us. It is a major step in taking what control we can of how we allow others to treat us. It is a vital step in taking responsibility for our self and our life.

Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation - although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome.

Negotiation
We set a boundary to define our territory, to protect our space - physical, emotional, mental, sexual, spiritual, financial, etc. We set the boundary because it is what we need to do for our self, to protect and take care of our self. We set it knowing that the other person may not be able or willing to change their behavior - and that we are prepared to take whatever action we need to take if that proves to be the case. That action may include cutting that person out of our life completely.

I was scared of setting boundaries because the little boy in me was afraid of: hurting other people; having other people be angry at me; being abandoned; losing the relationship. Ultimately, it came down to: people will go away if I say no or set a boundary with them.

I had to become willing to take that risk. I had to decide that I had enough worth to stand up for myself even if people did go away. And some people did go away. Some people do still when I set a boundary. But I was also amazed to see that some of the people that I set a boundary with started to treat me with more respect. They were able to hear me and valued me enough to change their behavior.

By becoming willing to take the risk of setting boundaries, I got the wonderful gift of getting what I wanted - some of the time. I had to let go of the outcome and learn to accept the situation however it unfolded. I had to let go of a lot of people that I had considered friends. I came to the realization that the people I had been calling friends, were not really friends at all - because as long as I did not know how to be a friend to myself, I could not truly recognize friendship in others. As long as I was unconsciously reacting out of my old programming, the people I was attracted to were people who would abuse me, shame me, abandon and betray me.

I came to the realization that anyone who is a friend is someone I can communicate with - and be able to negotiate boundaries with. The vast majority of boundaries are in fact a negotiation rather than a rigid line in the sand. Adults need to negotiate boundaries between themselves. This is very true in romantic relationships - and is the standard for all relationships.

What we are striving for is healthy interdependent relationships. We want friends who are allies. With alliances it is necessary to negotiate boundaries. Here is what I am willing to do, and here is what I need from you. We want a romantic relationship with a partner who will share our journey with us. In order to make that possible it is necessary to communicate, share feelings, and negotiate agreements about behavior. By setting boundaries, we are communicating with another person. We are telling them who we are and what we need. It is much more effective to do that directly and honestly than to expect them to read our minds - and then punish them when they cannot.

Often it is little things that seem inconsequential that it is most important to set boundaries about. Irritating little habits or mannerism of another person. The irritating little things will grow into huge monsters unless we learn to communicate and negotiate. When we stuff our feelings we build up resentments. Resentments are victim feelings - the feeling that somebody is doing something to us. If we don't speak up and take the risk of sharing how we feel, we will end up blowing up and/or being passive aggressive - and damaging the relationship.

Learning to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to communicate in a direct and honest manner. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves - to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves without owning our self - and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives.


I found these words invaluable.
What do you think?
Posted on 03/31/08, 12:03 pm