Codependency Support Group

I want to preface that I have not been involved with alcoholics as partners. But, from listening to many friends who married alcoholics and many self-help books about codependency -- they all focus on how alcoholics ruin the lives of those around them.

PLEASE let me preface that this is only my two cents and you need to make your own choices, but.... I would not marry either of them. If they are alcoholics, then the relationship and YOUR life seems to have started uphill already. If you marry an alcoholic, then you are setting yourself up for struggles right from the gate.

It isn't easy, but you may want to focus your energies on surrounding yourself with healthy partners, where the struggles in life will be "normal" ones.

As codependents, we gravitate toward those who we can help and disregard our own selves. Since I am also codependent, I gravitate to those that need help and find myself bored or not knowing how "to be" with healthy people..... BUT, the healthy ones are whom I'm trying to surround myself with now.

That's my thought. Easier to say, then to do, I know.

part of my fears and frustrations are my long list of problems...what man, in his right mind, would even want to go out on a date with me??? i feel like a flawed freak.
i am a kind and loving woman, gentle and caring, nurturing....my first male relationship, with my father, was the first co-dep. one. He was a high functioning alcoholic who did a real good job at putting strange ideas into my head. i never learned about healthy relationships from my own parents, and frankly, i am pissed about that. i have never been in a healthy relationship...i wouldn't know how to be in one, and like i said, what normal man would want me anyways? *crying*

Well, the good news is you recognize what a mess you've created. You will only feel better when you disengage completely from both of these men and work on yourself. Addicts can and do manipulate people who do not have a healthy balance in their life. Just like them, you need to take one day at a time. Alanon would be an excellent place to start.

you r in a right muddle! If u r co-dependant like me it u must feel very elated that not just 1 but 2 people love u.
I was in a relationship was my daughters dad for 6 years. He was homless, on drugs(herion or anything he could get his hands on), alcoholic ect.....He was very jeckyll and Hyde as do all the men i seem 2 attract. He was mentally and emotionally abusive towards me and neglected me. As i was addicted 2 sex at the time i managed 2 get his attention that way.
Anyway the truth is he never changed and i spent all those years thiking he would. He still hasnt changed.
The main thing is 2 ask urself if u will really b happy with antone of these people or r u just loving these people because thet say they love. I know this can b hard 2 think about and u dont want 2 hurt anyone or b left more hurt urself than u already r.
I would tend 2 agree with no1 reply and try 2 make a healthy decision.
I hope u make a healthy choice.

I have a son who is an addict. I like to pretend sometimes that if he met the "right girl" he would change. I do howerver know that this is not reasonable. I would never wish to se anyone begin a relationship with an alchoholic or an addict. They do not love themselves, and will destroy everyone in their path. As much as I love my beautiful son, I could not imagine watching him hurt anyone else. You cannot help these men. No matter how much you love them. Don't destroy yourself.Be strong. I wish that I had the courage to distance myself from my son , but I don't. I hpoe that you will be able to love yourself enough to keep out of the trap.

NitaSue, I just want to quote something that you wrote back to you:please, someone help me sort thru this. i don't want to hurt either one of them. i can't hardly eat or sleep..
You don't want to "hurt them" all the while you're the one that's hurting...Does that really make sense to you???? Take yourself outside of the situation and look at it as if it was your best friend you was in this situation, what would you tell her to do????? I married an Alcoholic....after having a mom (who I loved to death) who was an alcoholic...so unacceptable behavior felt normal to me....I know what you're going through. You are trying to make sense out of nosensable behavior....in other words those of us who are codependent we are as addicted to the alcholoic as the alcohoic is to the alcohol....Have you ever heard of Al-Anon? It's the 12 Step program for family and friends of alcohoics...it's great and free...and anonymous....get thee to a meeting or find they're phone number and talk to someone on the phone....but until you are able to put yourself first you won't be able to have a normal or good long lasting relationship...so tell them both that you "need time to think" and talk to someone in Al-Anon....and take care of you....love, psyche

NitaSue, You need to find yourself first. Staying involved with both or either of these guys is not good for you at all. I also think that you need to pursue counseling or al-anon for yourself. I have been married to a closet alcoholic for 21 years. One thing my mom told me that was actually true is that leopards don't change their spots. Once an addict always an addict. Now I know people can get better but the temptation is always there. You sound as if you have enough to deal with right now just taking care of yourself. I hope you have someone that you can talk to that will listen objectively to you. Everyone wants to feel needed, don't fall too far into that trap. It seems both of these guys NEED you. big hugs to you.

Nita, you first said "what man, in his right mind, would even want to go out on a date with me??? i feel like a flawed freak. "

Then you immediately followed that with " am a kind and loving woman, gentle and caring, nurturing."

I just want to point out the contradiction in this. You are calling yourself 2 different things. You need to get to the point where you truely believe the first sentence is false and the second is true. Hard as it may be, STAY AWAY FROM THEM. You will never get better. You will probably end up being abused and will most definately be making excuses for them for the rest of your life. And you will never grow to your full potential. Run away from them. Get a therapist to help you. Best of luck.

I agree with all the posts.
I am a recovering alcoholic that, while still drinking married twice, both times to alcoholics., A few years back, while still drinking, (my husband was dry for several years, by then...dry but not in recovery) I went out and had an affair with, you guessed it, another alcoholic.
Talk about a mess!
Well, I am sober 2 yeas now, am divorced, but good friends with my ex-husband, a million miles away from the drunk lover and alone in my recovery, and happy!
I am not yet ready for a relationship, perhaps never, but I know that while drinking, I was a tornado than plowed through peoples lives. I have many amends to make!
Point being, an alcoholic has no capacity for a loving healthy relationship!
They are sick, self-centered, selfish and everything else that ruins good strong healthy relations. And they make the co-dependents around them sick too! Very. And when we are sick our judgement is off, askew, backwards.
Try al-anon,seek healthy living FOR YOURSELF and then healthy relationships can be possible.
Healthy relationships with active alcoholics are impossible in my book.
Be good to yourself!