Codependency Support Group

Hi hurtingE-for me it came when I stopped listening to the "old tapes" and started reprogramming, or listening to new things...new beginnings. I had to hang around different, positive, uplifting and inspiring people and things. One counselor told me to "surround myself with truth". Just because so and so said, "You're a worthless person", doesn't make it the truth. Feelings can be fickle and change suddenly--what are you "THINKING" on. From looking at your picture-I don't see ugly or unlovable or that you can't do anything right...It appears that you have a great smile and your hair style is in! What do your closest friends/co-workers/family say are your best attributes/talents/gifts. If you don't know--boldly ask them to give you a list of three-five. Focus on those for a few weeks.

Get some Wayne Dyer cd's or anyone else that promotes tossing out the negative thought patterns. There's a book by Joyce Meyer called, "The battlefield of the mind", it changed my perspective a few years ago.

And keep posting here-tons of great people offering sound wisdom and encouragment. *hugs*

Thank you for all your wonderful suggestions. I have some cds that I listen to that help reach the inner mind to " reprogram" it. I may look for this book as well. I need all the help I can get.
Hugs
Erica

Start small, work your way up. Remind yourself at the end of each day just one positive thing you accomplished...getting out of bed, brushing your teeth, doing a load of laundry. Build on that. Try to be gentle and patient with yourself. Think of how understanding and patient you would be if it was someone else...you deserve the same. Those old tapes justicereigns speaks of have been there a long, long time...I had to really concentrate to even hear them at first, but slowly, I heard them and was able to stop them...they still sneak in, but it is the awareness that is the breakthrough...hearing yourself say you failed, are ugly...just old tapes that need to be replaced with...I did my best, I'm not perfect and that's okay, no one is, I deserve to be loved just as I am. My therapist suggested I try repeating something positive about myself every morning and night...sounds cheesy...but, ya know, it helped. Do it till you feel it.
Hope this helps-Lynn

Sometimes you just have to fake feeling like your confidant until you feel that way naturally too.

Generally.... the origins are rooted in being raised in a very critical environment. Everything you do and are is never good enough to your parents, your superiors, your partners, you friends.
Start by measuring yourself by your standards... not what you think others think.
one day at a time... will lead to a lifetime of measuring up to your standards and build confidence.
All my best, Dr. G.

great comments from everyone.
i would add that susan jeffers has a cd series "inner talk".
one is for peace, one is for love, one is for confidence.
they certainly reprogrammed me.
and i was pretty low on the lack of confidence scale.
oh! and going back to law school at 37 gave me some confidence too.
sometimes tackling the things that we fear adds to our confidence.
blessings and welcome to the board.

After my divorce I was feeling really down as well. What worked for me was to remember the good times. Both before I was married and the good times while I was married. Being able to share those memories with a good friend helped me to get out from under the rain cloud I was dragging around with me all the time. Remembering when I was happy and seeing the person that I was at those times helped me to recapture my confidence. Now I really like who I am and I don't let what other people say or do affect me in the slightest.

If you are looking for a good book, may I suggest "The Four Agreements", by Don Miguel Ruiz. It is a pretty easy read and applying the information in your life can make a HUGE difference.

I felt that way for a large part of my life.In my soul searching I came across the book"Co-dependant no more".The book so clearly described me and those around me that became clearly convinced that it was the truth.The book was just a tool but it made me stop and ask myself"What do I think?"'What am I basing my beliefs and opinions on?","Am I rellay a worthless piece of crap?or they just telling me I am?".I used to believe anything that anyone told me about myself.The idea that my opinions and feelings did not matter were contiuously enforced while growing up.And they say"it's not what people say about you that hurts you,it's what they say that you believe about yourself that hurts".It took a lot of journaling,counseling and honesty on my part,but I finally got to the point where I said NO MORE,I will not let them define who I am b/c I realized the content of thier character if they could try to make another person feel so bad.Did I value that?Did I really respect those people who were harmful,and judgemental?Did I think they were somehow crowned as gods and and given the authority to define other people's lives?No.And I realized how wrong they had been.For the first time I took up for myself.I refused to just accept it b/c they said it.I didn't want to agree just to be on thier side anymore.I wasn't the person they were saying I was.Who were they to assume that I needed them to run my life,or that I needed help forming thoughts or opinions?I was,at one time at the mercy of the whole world.Whatever they said I was,I must be.If something went wrong,it was obviously me.If a guy dumped me,it was b/c I was ugly,boring,and pathetic.The list goes on.I began building confidence when I stood up for myself,when I challenged the whole cycle of co-dependancy(and trust me that will make people mad).It's not easy,but it is very possible.I personally started making list,what were my talents?,what were the things I enjoyed in life that NOONE could take away?'what did I really believe?,what did I think about spirituality,relationships,politics,music,my favorite color-lol-you get the idea.I needed to know myself.Today,I honestly do value myself.It is not because I discovered that I'm super woman,or a genius,or Miss America,but because I realized I'm a human being,and just like every person on the face of the earth I have talents,and values,and opinions,and abilities,and a heart,and a brain.I am probably being redundant because I have a migraine and can't think straight.If so,I apologize.But I wanted to tell you,and I hope that you understand that you have the same value as me,and the next person,and even family and men.What you think and feel counts too.If you ever need to talk,I'd be happy to listen.-Jen