Codependency Support Group

Professionally my responses are most often received very well however when it comes to work the boundaries are very clear and well defined for me... Personally it depends on the subject matter and how sensitive it is and whether or not it has anything to do with me...some times a non-response response is best, sometimes just understanding is a response, sometimes just a recognition of someone and their hurt is a response, sometimes advice is a response, sometimes tellin' it like it is is a response...it all depends - I don't know if it is ever ineffective, sometimes unproductive but never ineffective.

It seems to depend on the situation (again this is based on an assumption that you mean interpreting rather than judging). I can get a friend going through a hard time to smile but that doesn't change the feeling in most instances. Any response I give to my hubby or mother that is an attempt to make them feel better only winds up making the situation worse (or at least for me).

I am trying hard to get it through my head that there is no real "effective" response when it comes to someone else's feelings and that I can only have an "effective" response with regards to my own feelings. I am not responsible for their actions or reactions or feelings. If I try to create my sentences, answers or attitude in an attempt to influence the way someone else feels I find I frequently make the situation worse or they are just plain ineffective. If I speak my mind with truth to myself when dealing with them it seems to make the situation better - at least for me.

But maybe I misinterpret. What is "effective" to you? To me when someone says they are looking for an "effective" response they are trying to manipulate a situation to achieve a desired outcome. Whether that be to stop someone from crying, to make someone see things our way, to get them to do something, etc. And desired outcomes are really hard to get when you are dealing with another individual. Figuring out "effective" responses is what got me here in the first place. And based on that I suppose I should say that it made the situation worse in that in trying to meet someone else's ideas I lost myself.

scattered, you bring up a differing perspective on this...i hadn't thought or looked at it the way you are...
but now that i have, i guess for me listening and responding isn't about 'fixing' something or 'getting someone' to do what I wish them too...it is about a connection with that person and offering them a piece/peace of understanding or recognition - sometimes I have something to offer sometimes nothing more than the recognition... also it isn't always negative stuff/feelings I perceive in people deserving of a response...?
I feel as if I'm talking in a circle...I want to give a specific example of a exchange between myself and another person where I percieved a feeling they weren't necessarily 'sharing' and the conversation that lead into but it will be lengthy...?

oh! simply effective doesn't mean i am 'changing' that person, not to me, but that i have something to 'offer' that person...that is effectivness to me - whether they take it, leave it, use it or abuse it i hopefully gave them food for thought, for themselves.

think of it like a counselor being effective...they can perceive you, listen to you and then offer you suggestions but they can't 'change you'.

interpretation vs. translation
I have to agree a bit with scattered, I can have no real effective interaction with a human being that is unwilling and unable to interact appropriately. If they are hell bent on making me pay for something that they are having 'problems' or issues with. It just does not matter what I say or do-it's going to be ineffective. Getting over the desire to please everyone is vital. I think when we get to a place where we can genuinely say, this is what I have to offer, take it or leave it and be okay with that period....we've come to acceptance of self and others, knowing what each individual is responsible to and for.

I think it is the word "judge" that is causing me this interpretation Maia. A judgment is a for or against kinda thing.

So to me, if I am JUDGING someone's feeling I am deciding whether or not what they feel is right or wrong. And an "effective" communication would reaffirm it if I thought it was right, but would try to change it if I thought it was wrong. If I see someone sitting around and they aren't telling me how they feel and I am PERCEIVING it then the term effective doesn't apply because I can simply respond without having to decide right or wrong. I use the negative aspect because that is the area I think of as having issues with "effectiveness". It is easy to be happy for someone who is happy and to know what response to give. It is much harder to have a response for someone who is angry, hurt, sick, in pain, etc. and it be "effective".

reply to #2

Well said, you can not affect a change on another person's mood. It's their feeings and up to them. I think we can encourage people to change their feelings. And I think we do this for the better or for the worse. I can encourage a person to be happy but if I go about it the wrong way, I'll just piss them off and make them angry.

What seems to be effective for you, Scattered, is to have you, and possibly other people, speak straight forward and truthfully to you.

You raise a good point about manipulation and the word effective....
"when someone says they are looking for an "effective" response they are trying to manipulate a situation to achieve a desired outcome."

The REAL question in that is, what's the desired outcome, who's interests are being served?" Manipulation involves the manipulator having their own interests served.
They are hard to get because people, understandably, do not like to be manipulated.

Well, the way the question is posed...I am the manipulator. That would mean the desired outcome is for them to be happy so that I too can be happy. (because that is my pattern) The insidious aspect of this is that in doing so I give up who I am. However, sometimes people use their feelings to manipulate a person like me into giving a certain response too. And in that aspect the manipulation started before me. It sorta depends on the situation I suppose.

And yes, I do best with straightforward talk. I believe in communication that is direct and honest. For me it leads to the least amount of confusion and misinterpretation.