What is Codependency
A "codependent" is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for other people's struggles.
Codependency advocates claim a codependent ...
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He dropped the bomb no me
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I think I am in shock , like if I let my emotions come out it could be monstorous .....
I am sick to my stomach , this is the WORST feeling in the world Yesterday on my way to bring my dog to be bred , I got a phone call ........ they told me that the girl I saw down to the bar a couple weekends ago has been involved with DF , more than once , they have been seen flirting in the bar , have been seen leaving together , she is in her FOURTIES , her body looks like she's 14 though , and she's quite pretty , but weathered looking .... anyway , I tried to contain myself til I saw DF in person , he was suppose to visit last night , he demanded to know what I wanted to talk about ... we got into it , he totally denied it at first , but after alot of questioning and catching him up in lies , he admitted that he did leave the bar with her and then got a ride to his parents house with her one night .. he then visited and the rest came ........... I begged and begged to know the truth , he finally admitted that maybe something was going to happen but it didn't , he said that they left together , he kissed her but then nothing ( YEA EFFING RIGHT ! ) I cried and cried and cried , then I Felt numb , and then strangely enough , I didn't want him to leave , I felt so confused, then I couldn't sleep all n ight , I woke about 4 times, I woke up feeling sick and upset and I can't even begin to list all the bad feelings I feel ... and all the recollecting I did , then we got into another discussion about it , and I pulled MORE out , he admitted to having slept with THREE other girls , one of them being just last fall when he lived w/the friend and we were going to couples therapy .. YEA F COUPLES THERAPY , I"ll never believe in it again I have been bawling and sick all day , he stayed for awhile and tried to apologize, he tried to hug me , lot of good its going to do now , I am dead inside , I feel crazy . I want to do something drastic........but WHAT ? I feel soooooo betrayed , so hurt , and so used , and SO alone , thats the worst one , I usually vent to people in RL , but honestly I feel ashamed by this , I feel like I caused it , I Feel like I wasn't good enough , I feel like it makes me look pathetic the worst part is that I felt clean and healthy and now I Feel dirty and subjected to bar whores . I wonder why I thought I wanted to settle down and have a family ???????? WHY WHY WHY , I Feel like I was better off before being single at least *I* was in control of my emotions and body . I have just been living a big fat lie for FOUR years , I am sick over this I keep picturing him touching them , him getting off with them , and makes it worse that I just SAW the last one , and I feel like I can't compare . I feel like I just give up , I am shit , he's a loser and HE doesn't even want me , I am now in my thirties , my business is failing , my son is growing apart from me , my baby is independent and pushes me away and only needs me but barely acts like she wants me , and the man I spent four years focusing on and loving has been lyng and betryaying me , and now is moving on ( well actually he was asking for me to think about it and please let him have a chance etc.. but alot of good it does now , damage is done and I can't even look at him the same way again , it feels different and all I can see when I look at him is his hands all over some other womans body while I sat home by myself coping with all his responsiblities ) I don't think I can ever trust anyone again . I want to call my close friends and cry to them ,b ut you know what , I just feel like a sorry excuse for a person , they all have happy normal marriages and most of my close friends are pregnant and what am I going to tell them for .. so they can feel sorry for me ? I don't want pity , it just makes me feel worse, somehow ? I just want to run far away , there is a tropical storm coming and I have a ton of things to do and I just want to let it all blow away . I also am going to be stuck here all night with no power with a baby , JOsh wanted to go to his fathers the first time in 3 yrs , so that is bothering me too . I just am in shock , I keep starting to feel it , but then I have to push it out because Its too tramatic for me to deal with .. not once but 4 times , and you know what I believe there is more , its just that I started crying and I don't think he thou ght I could handle the rest . I haven't eaten since yesterday lunch time , I just can't stomach the thought of it , this is the best diet pill ever I feel weak and broken , and I just want it to go away , I just wish it didn't happen . .. the sad part is that I Just KNEW it all along , I had nightmares about it , I actually had nightmares about it WHEN it was literally happening , I can backtrack and figure it out . I feel l ike all the codependency skills I have learned are flushed right down the toilet , I feel like they are trying to teach you to seperate your emotions from your life and that is the ONE Thing I should be paying attention to ... my gutt was right all along , I dealt with being called crazy , being controlling , and all along there was reason for all my suspiscions , and my worries . I should have listened and walked away a long time ago , I was right all along . NOw I feel weird about my baby , I look at her and she feels different , I don't know where this emotion is coming from ? I guess when I got pregnant it wasn't just about me or a baby is was about a union and a connection between him and I , and it feels tainted and phony now , I feel like the best thing in my life ... my little baby is going to be a constant reminder of a phase of my life where I was living a lie and that now I am committed to another 18 years of him and his family in my life and my daughter will probably rub the hurt in like kids do, and I will have to keep reliving the betrayal and the pain . He EVEN ruined this for me . I feel so guilty for admitting this , I Mean I'm sure this emotion will pass, I love my kids regardless of their fathers, but right now I feel strange about life and everything .... I do .. I feel wrecked . I just don't know what to do with myself at this point :-( Now *I* AM a downer , sorry Posted on 11/03/07, 01:11 pm |
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Please get into counseling right away. Your emotional health is crucial for your children. They are what is most important. You don't want to become emotionally unavailable to them. 
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That is a huge bomb. No need to be sorry that you are on a downer. All the learning you have done with codependency is not a waste, when you are past this shock you will see. I am learning to trust my gut along with my thoughts, though there are times when either get confusing. Take loving care of yourself during this painful time. Get all the feelings out.
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Maybe because you probably still love him you are still seeing him as "oxygen" in your life, but you really need to get rid of him. He could never be trusted again. He's very messed up and is looking to other women to find his own happiness, which will never work. He has to learn to be happy with himself whether in a relationship or not. You will be so much better getting rid of this destructive relationship. Take care of yourself and your kids. You will learn how to be strong and keep going. It will take time, but you will get there! I went through kind of the same stuff you are going through now. I cried for almost 2 months straight every day at some point, but life does go on and it will get better all the time!
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You are not alone! It is quite normal for you to be on a downer, you have been hurt very deeply. I can understand how you feel about your daughter because of her Dad, but its not her fault. Allow yourself some time to heal, talk to a therapist or anyone who can listen and just allow you to talk in confidence. In time I am sure your feelings toward your child will heal. Everything said here is in confidance so dont feel bad, we all have feelings we don't like, thats human. Try to learn from your mistakes do not trust so easily, trust has to be earned. Take care of you and your kids thats what is important right now.
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so is this normal ? I don't even hate him ...
we had sex, i got off 5 times .... we talked about our life , and how it use to be.. .and how it is post kids ... and then we talked some more , he said those girls meant nothng to him ... I belieive him.. am i crazy ?????????? or am I numb?
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I would have to say that you are not crazy or numb. You are codependant. I went through the same thing with my ex. I did some of the same things, went through the same horrors, and I had to take care of the kids as well (she would disappear for weeks at a time). One of the most confusing and insane times in my life. All I can say is that he is going to keep behaving like this no matter what you do. For me, I had to get out and sort things out. Took a while before I started to see just how badly I was codependant. I know now that it was not love and that the sex was just a way to try and get back into the comfort zone.
When I did finally reject her, and did tell her that I could not do this any more, she started to interfere in my life and fought like hell to get me back. Now mind you I had caught her three other times, and went through separations, and councelling. All three times she told me that she needed another chance, and that she had problems. So imagine my surprise when she started an agument with me over the phone about the fact that I abandonded her. I do believe she said to me "how many times did I have an affair and YOU came crawling back to me?" That put things in perspective. He is not well himself, and yes he will have sex with you, and will keep doing so as long as you let him. But you need to break that particular part of the cycle and get yourself together. In time you will see just how bad thing were. Getting back together would not work, and persuing him because you love him (or think you do right now) is not good. If anything it is a ego boost for him. These are confusing times for you, and you need to get perspective, and take care of yourself and your children. This is affecting them whether you can see it or not. Children are very observant and they do sense alot of your feelings. They most likely feel quite insecure right now because of what is going on. Do yourself a favor and break this endless cycle. You will be so much better for it in the long run. Also, as the others have said, seek what ever help you can for yourself. It all adds up in the ling run. You will need all the support you can get. It will not end over night, and you will need to be strong. I would also advise that you ignore that fear of lonliness or being alone for the rest of your life. It is nothing but BS that is created in your mind because of all of this. That was the one thing I had to deal with before I could get out of the situation. Once I did, it all started to fall into place over time.
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okay... that's too long to read, but definintely when your self esteem and self worth is all wrapped up in how someone else feels about you thats is very unhealthy. Don't quite understand why you are so upset... history is the best predictor of the future. I hope you find yourself, and then someone worthy of you.
GOD BLESS
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As a codependent many of us take sex instead of love. Baby I know you feel like you need this man but somewhere deep down you know he's not worth all this pain and drama. Find a counselor...one that isn't afraid to tell you the truth and not afraid to rock the boat or rub you the wrong way when it comes to this stuff. Emotionally we can destroy ourselves if we don't take a step back and see things the way others see them. It doesn't matter how good he is in bed..his actions say he doesn't love you and you are worthy of love...not just sex!!
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Hi, If you have not fully felt your feelings about the betrayal, then you could be numb to it.I don't think you are crazy. From your posts, I noticed that you have a lot of intelligence. I think you may be desperate.
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wow, that really sucks, but you know what? You and your kids definately deserve better. The one thing that always helps me stick strong to doing the right thing is, I don't want my kids repeating my mistakes with relationships. Just think if you go back with this loser, what are you teaching your daughter. For me, that always helps me in making a decision. Of course I made alot of the wrong ones. My kids are older now and I left thier father when my youngest was 10 and he even asked me why did I wait so long. The kids are all close with thier father but they all know he is an alcoholic and am so glad glad I finially got away. We (me and my ex) are actually friends now. We've been apart for 8 years. Anyway, I find my kids are my strength. Hope is helps.
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