What is Codependency
A "codependent" is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for other people's struggles.
Codependency advocates claim a codependent ...
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I go back and forth in my mind about alot of things in this relationship I have with my husband. I left him in February; we continued talking... but now it has degraded to a place where we do not talk, and will not talk until I get back from codependence treatment at the end of this month.
When I read things about borderline personality types and narcissistic personality types... I see so much of how he is, in those descriptions. Almost every trait. I then think -- see? it's not all me. But then.. I wonder if I am just projecting. Am I just looking for a way that I am not the only messed up one. Is he really great, and I have just exaggerated things in my mind in order to not feel so much shame about my codependency. Is this.. back and forth... a denial of facts that keep me safe in some kind of fantasy about him, or a denial so that I keep loving and missing him, not wanting to let go? I have felt rather crazy over the last few years, and sometimes I feel very clear, but then........... Please.. I need to hear your experience. Thank you, Wendy Posted on 10/14/08, 05:10 pm |
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It sounds like what is stopping you is that you may be feeling guilty for things that you should not. I have this problem with my bordeline husband him getting so emotional plays on my guilt and I usually give in and give him what he wants. Whether it be and actual item like a Play station or emotional all time for him and hardley any for myself...... 
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at any rate there is something that you are getting out of it. You need to figure out what it is though and realize that it may be something really strange that you are re-enacting with out even thinking about it. It takes alot of thinking time to do so and it may require a councillor.
Also this may sound a bit tacky but I would make a checks and balances list to what you do like about him and then make a list of things you dont and then pick out the ones that are ruining things. At the end of that next to each thing you should write your usual reaction to them Once you make this big list it can be a really nice guide for you to decide whether this relationship is worth it or not and how willing he may be if you do adjust your bad reactions
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This is a load but how willing is he to talk about his condition? Simply ask him if he trusts you to know that you want things to progress. (WARNING he may explode with emotion here just remind him that you are trying to be understanding and patient he will eventually calm down)
Ask him what he would like to work things out. Be calm and give him a hug or he will act like it is the end of the world. Just remember Borderlines are really sensitive people.
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IMO, seeing the dysfunctions in others is a sure sign of your own improvements.
I started seeing codependency everywhere after I started down the recovery road. Other people violate boundaries all the time, they use the dysfunctional language, and they fail to express their feelings or do it in a screwed up way. I never knew so many other people were messed up until I found out about my own messed up ways. It is one of the best and most powerful things about psychology and about recovery is that it takes us up to an enlightenment that most other people do not have. Part of the condition is that we think we our self was the only one messed up and that our spouse was normal and it is almost never that way. All women seem to say their husbands are " narcissistic" so I reserve my judgement there, but a "borderline personality" is often and usually the easiest one to deal with once you know the condition. All you have to do is nicely explain the middle ground grey area to the "borderline" person and it stuns them down into reality. Just do not make the mistake of trying to push it on him - because we have to do it easily and subtle about it. IMO, it is not that you are "projecting" at all - it is your eyes are coming open to the reality.
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I completely agree with Booky. Keep on top of explaining things in grey (no right no wrong)
"True compassion is unbiased"-The Dalai Lama AND you may have to come up with a regimented schedule for yourself so that it can decrease guilt becuase your time is YOUR TIME and you can have some together.
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This truly sounds like the situation I have been in. I wanted to believe in my b/f, enough that I moved 80 miles, quit my job, and left everything behind to move here with him 2 mos. ago. He has narcisistic qualites, even admits to them. I guess we always want to believe things will be different, I believed mine would be different because he acknowledged these things and I believed since we both had issues, and could talk about them and get the necessary help for our love addict/love avoidant issues, that somehow we could make it work.
Well, he asked me to leave, said he doesn't want to live with anyone now. I know you love your husband and miss him. I have been through this so many times, but I just don't believe they have it in them to change. You basically subject yourself to much more of the same if you stay in it. I didn't want to believe it either, but it's true. Instead, take care of yourself, and move on. There is a man outh there that will love you, cherish you, and won't be ambivelent about it. You deserve that too. Take care...
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Thank you so much for the experiences, and insights you have shared, so far.
Thank you for giving your time in posting your replies. I look forward to reading more experiences here - they are very helpful to me, and help me to feel alone alot less. Wendy
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