Codependency Support Group

You owe him nothing but healthy committed love. He seems to have rejected that. You get one life, sweetie. One.

I agree. Owing someone is not a reason to stay in a relationship. Look up the phrase "detachment with love". It might speak to you.

I hate my life. we have no joint interests. all that he does is go on with his life while mine has stopped. i think i need some time before i leave him or he leaves me. i need to get a job and become stable in my career. every moment i spend here i feel like i am trapped. sometimes i feel angry and guilty at myself for feeling these feelings

thanks Clarified and Shen.
i read "detachment with love". it makes so much sense. did i forget to add that he was an ex alcoholic and when we lived in asia, towards the last year he started drinking too much. now he has started going to AA.
i come from a very religious family where no one drank and i really did not understand first of all why someone would drink so much and now, the extent to which it psychologically damages people around the alcoholic.
i am preoccuppied with others .obsessed with their happiness and their well being and betterment.

I'd suggest therapy. I could say alot of things... the only thing I will say is I think it is completely inappropriate for someone this old to have a relationship with someone as young as you. It sounds like this started when you were 21... likely you look a lot younger as well. If you had been younger this would be called sexual molestation, rape, etc. I say you owe him nothing and you owe yourself some therapy. Sam this is not a good thing for you.
Good Luck.

Your relationship is one of codependence. It is not an equal or healthy relationship. Sounds like you are a housekeeper for him?

You are young and have a lifetime of opportunities ahead of you. Sentiment and religious views (your religion condones same sex relationships?) are no reasons to continue in a relationship that is
unbalanced as your is. Does your religion condone his unfaithfulness? How can you consider a "normal sex life" is sleeping with random others? What religion are you?

He has broken your trust and is using you. That is not love. That is not healthy. That can only destroy you.

I would consider a "normal sex life" one between two consenting adults in a committed long term exclusive relationship. Anything else is a lie.

Get real, get a life as far away from him as possible.

You deserve to be loved and respected.

thank u all for responding to my replies. i feel some life back in me and feel someone really cares. thanks a lot.

vikingprincess: my religion does not condone same sex relationships. actually i am ( well grew up as )an evangelical christian which is very anti-gay. when i said i should not leave my first partner i meant that i think divorce is not good( i know it sounds mudled that i would just pull out one teaching from my religion while ignoring the fact that it also condemns my sexuality.) my religion certainly does not condone unfaitfulness and grew up in a church where men were expected to be faithful to their wives and would be seen in real bad light if they didnt.

you are right on the abnormality of the random sex life option. i personally would never be able to sleep with different people. the only thing that would make me happy is an exclusive relationship between two people who love each other.

i was 22 and my bf was 55 when we met. just a month ago before i met my bf, my father had discovered some pornographic material( it was straight i dont know what he would have done if he knew it was gay) in my roomand we had a bad fight. i told him it was a friends but he did not believe me and because of his strict religious beliefs told me i should better leave the house. i think i was very hurt becaues of that becaues i loved no one more than my father and my family. when i met my bf i kept asking him are u monogomous or not and he said yes. i am sure a 55 year old man knew what monogomous meant. but it turned out different. within a month he officiallyl made me his same-sex partner (common law) which was recognized in his country but not mine where being gay is illegal.

i feel many times like his housekeeper/houseboy. he can sometimes say wierd thing not racist but nasty stuff. when i tell him that i dont like some of the racist things his friends have said he claims he never heard it thought its really hard for me to believe as he was there in most of the instances.

for all these 4 years he never bought me to the west but conviniently wanted me to come last year when he was visiting his daughter for her marraige and wanted us to get married too. i could not believe he would say that. he was heavily in debt when i met him because of his ex bf and in these 4 years we never took one vaccation( well he went around my country but never bothered to take me atleast once to his country. considering i was supposed to settle there with him it just felt very strange and cruel to me.) but saved and now we ( or should i say he) is debt free and has savings in the bank. but i dont feel like its our money. it always is his. if i force him he will give me money to buy anything but it always feels like a handout. even after 4 years of partnership i dont think i can buy anything without feeling like i am spending his money.

he has a very wierd past with him being married to three women before realizing he was gay. when i met him at 22 i thought he was oh so much a MAN now i just feel trapped and very uncomfortable. i feel like an outsider in his family while his kids are nice and they hug me etc but i still feel wierd sometimes.


bottom line is i think he is a man and has a mouth and i can put up with it as long as its not racist but i cant put up with somone who cheated on me. for all these 4 years i have tried to stay in the relationship and tried to make it work as i lost my virginity to him ( only becuase he assured me he was monogmous ) but i feel so hurt and pained.

It is Ok to call a mistake a mistake. It is Ok to leave a bad situation. You made some bad choices, you can make good ones now. Life is good like that. God is good like that. I think there is nothing wrong with being gay. God loves everyone exactly as they are. No exceptions. Here if you need to talk,
me