Codependency Support Group

The difference really that I see between the two,is that the first guy you had to chase and constantly get his attention and love. He was fixated on the physical aspects of sex,not the emotional part. In your last relationship,you were pretty much stuck in the infactuation stage. Pretty much all relationships start out that way usually,and over time things change. Partners get to know one another more intimately(I'm not talking sex),and that heart fluttering have to be around this person 24/7 turns into a friendship/companion type of relationship.

I've been in your shoes. When I first met my husband, I had to relearn what it meant to be in a relationship. I always tended to fall for guys who I was infactuated with who I could never truly pin down and have a meaningful relationship with. I always felt like I was chasing. My husband wasn't that type,and his sex drive was near 0 with having sexual dysfunction issues. I was highly sexual and it took understanding and maturity to realize that that may be who I was back then,but when I'm old and grey,will I want a companion or mere sex partner?

Sometimes it's takes someone in your partner's position to show us how to slow down,and re-evaluate our perceptions and wants/needs. Being in the false love phase is not healthy-you're addicted to the high it gives you(the adrenaline response). It takes some time to change this,but I can say from having gone from one extreme to the next,that what your friends say IS correct. There's more to life than make up sex and chasing people who you can never grasp. There are partners who love and respect us enough not to play those games. Hold on to this guy of yours-he's more valuable than you can imagine!

Hugs,

Thanks, that really does mean a lot. It is nice to hear from someone who's actually been where I was and is now happy w/ what I have. Are you happy even though you don't have wild sex anymore. My thing is I'm not that physically attracted to him. My therapist says that's ok b/c I get more than expected in all the other areas. I've never been a cheater and kinda wondered if not feeling that passion would lead me to cheat later. Is there anything you did to help yourself realize that this is healthy and intense relationship wasn't. I mean I know that but how do I get my head and heart to "KNOW" that? To be honest, I still miss my ex but I'm sure that will always be there. I just really miss what I thought we could become. He says all the right things and still ask me to come home (which I'm sure is bc he wants someone to take care of him, pay his bills and to control) but it is still hard for me. I have to fight myself not to go back b/c my love still feels intense for him (and we have a 5 yr old son). I don't want my son to grow up thinking love is how I thought it was- disfunctional. He sees 2 people getting along now and spending time w/ him and as a family. It is just hard to break the habit!!

When my husband and I first met,he had a next to zero sex response due to previous years of alcohol and antidepressants. He's never taken up alcohol since we've met(11 years now). Over the years,his system went back to normal BUT during those first four or five years,I swear once a month was going to drive me batty! I was sexually attracted to him,but his responses(although I was slender and attractive!)were next to none.

I used to confuse intimacy and sex. Look at it this way,without intimacy,sex is just a dirty rump in the hay. With intimacy,it becomes a soul sharing experience. Knowing that you trust and love each other,and respect each other,makes that time more special not just during the moment but afterward also.

As far as the attraction goes, you could apply it no differently than what I went through. When you're 60 or 70 or 80,will it matter if his looks earlier on made you jump on him in an excited fury? By that point in time,it won't be the sex romps that you'll remember,it will be all the other meaningful things you shared together.

I'm not bashing you in any way if looks really do matter at some level. There's no wrong in wanting a partner that is physically attractive to us. My husband has been in your shoes with my weight fluctuations and uncontrollable skin condition psoriasis. My only question would be,if you had a gorgeous boyfriend,and he got into an accident and his face was slightly disfigured,would you leave him? There are many things that can attract us to people. If your thought process is possibly having more children in the future,then personally,I guess it would matter what he looked like. If the thought is mainly your response to him sexually,there are many things you can do. Turn the lights off and avoid sunlight when sexually involved(that way it's your other senses that takes over);-p Or you both could take classes on how to spice up your sex life.

How I changed my desire towards wanting that rush and excitement was remembering how lonely and fake my past relationships were. I did date a man very similar to your ex,although we did not have children together,whenever we talked, or met up,I felt this longing. It does go away with time. Cheating ALL depends on you,not what your partner looks like,says or does. Looking at people in Hollywood married to very attractive men or women,you have to ask,why do they cheat?

I think it's good to show your son how adults that he cares about can get along. What key is giving him a male role model who can teach him the values of being a man,and showing respect to others including women.

The choice here is a personal one-whether to leave or not. No one can know what is best except for you. Listen to your gut and as long as you're being true to yourself,things will fall into place.

Hugs,

The only thing is I think you have to have some attraction to be married. I stayed b/c he's a great man, thinking the attraction would grow but it's only gotten worse. I know this sounds mean and not to hurt anyone's feelings but he is prob atleast 100 lbs overweight and is pear shaped. He has big legs and butt and a hairy back. Some people like that but I'm just not one of those people. I would be ok if I just felt like I don't have to have sex but I actually dread it. I just don't know that I would feel like I had a healthy marriage if I can't stand having sex w/ him. I am not the skinniest person in the world so I hate his weight being a factor but it is. I think sex brings you closer but that is not the case here. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. It's already been a year. I'm gonna wait a few more mths to see if my feelings will change any. Thanks for your advice.

Obviously you want that attraction in the marriage-so be honest with yourself and him and break it off. Every day,week,month and year you hold this in,the more you will hurt your partner in the long run.

By holding on and wishing things will change,will only make things more difficult. You could wait another twenty years,and STILL feel this way. Is this fair to you or him?

funny that you used those words. i really hadn't looked at it that way. my last marriage, i stayed thinking things would change and what you said made me realize i'm doing the same thing this time, just a different issue. hello april, you can't change people!!! why didn't i learn that the last 12 yrs. thanks, i think i have decided to leave. he is an awesome man but i am starting to reluctantly see that he's just not the one for me...although in 5 mins i may say different...:) my head is trying to be healthy!!!

April,
You can find someone that you click with on all levels. It takes time,patience and not jumping into moving in with the person right away. If you find dating the next person,that things are going too fast,or there's issues,the distance(different homes)will give you the added comfort of not just "settling". The other thing is,you really need to re-evaluate what YOU want in a man and what you don't. It's not uncommon to have great exciting sex at the beginning of the relationship. What's most important is finding out what each of you want from the relationship up front and for the future. If you want kids,and he doesn't(or visa versa) you have to talk about this BEFORE committing long term.

It's common to assume you should fall into relationships and see how they turn out. Wrong! How many of us find out after moving in and getting married,that our partner's views on our role and theirs in the relationship is so opposite? LOL

Hugs,

If you don't find him attractive and aren't feeling that , than yea , you probably shouldn't marry him .

Just because we are trying not to be codependent on people does not mean we should be denying ourselves the right to be with someone who makes our hearts thump and who we find appealing . Just as long as the person you are finding attractive isn't unhealthy for us , than why not look for someone who does it for you ? I bet you would eventually find someone who you can flirt with , who you have passion with , who you are excited to see, who also is loving , honest and a good person to you .
I know alot of healthy couples who are still hot for eachother and have been together for 15 -50 yrs AND treat eachother with respect ! . "that" is true love baby ! ;-)

yea, i had that connection w/ my ex except i didn't have the respect from him. i had kinda convinced myself that i had to pick...connection or a good guy? now I'm thinking i should be looking for a mixture. i got put on anti's yesterday and i'm hoping this will help me start feeling happier. i know that i have to leave this relationship, it's just hard for me to hurt people but i know the longer i stay, the more it will hurt. there's a guy that makes me smile at my work but i don't know him enough to know if he's healthy, he reminds me of my ex but it could just be b/c they are physically built alike and they both kinda beat around the bush to flirt. who knows, i'm not putting too much thought into it, it's just fun and it's nice to smile and be flirted with. i sooo missed that feeling.

Great book, "Reinventing your life"
has a wonderful chapter on emotional connections and why we are attracted to people who are so "not right" for us. I was/am in the same boat as you--read my post in Alcoholics down below.
I have always been with men who drank and in some way emotionally abused me-now I meet this great guy who I call Mr Nice--lol, loves me for me, scares the hell out of me.