Codependency Support Group

I strongly dissagree with a lot of what you say. Even in the way it's written I feel that you are trying to control me by swaying me to your point of view. My feeling is that people need to find their own path. If advice is asked for, you can give the best you have to offer, but if it isn't asked for and you try to control people with "tricks or threats" that is an ovbious example of codependency. A less obvious one, in my opinion is if we change things in ourselves with the only motivation being changing someone else in the process. My goal is to change myself in ways that will bring peace into my life. If that means I have to leave a relationship, put up stronger boundaries in a relationship, or accept things about another person that I don't want to give up in order to keep the relationship, all of these options are possible. Anything else is controlling and, even if it seems we are getting the the end we want, we are doing it in a way that doesn't allow someone else to find their own path. We are doing things because we feel someone else is not capable of seeing what we feel is the true way.

I have found, even in the short time that I have been trying to practice what I am learning in CoDA, that when I follow my true path and stop worrying about the path of others, they begin to take more control of their own paths. It is not easy to give up the controlling patterns. There is a fear that others who have controlled me in the past will see my stepping back as a weakness and will step in to try to coerce me in the old ways.
Regardless of what they think, however, they can't control me any more. I can listen to what they say without anger. I can take what I want and leave the rest, leave the room, or even leave the relationship, so all of the power for ME is still with me.

As far as the anger thing, I am not saying it is wrong to be angry. I only know in my own experience that sometimes the anger I feel is misplaced and thrown on whoever happens to step in my path at that moment. If I can work through some of it on my own, throwing out all the ideas that come into my head as I physically move the anger through, I get a clearer picture of what I am really angry about, how much it effects my life right now, what things I am angry about tht I can actually do anything about and what things I just have to accept and be angry about. I write down all of these thoughts afterwards and then, when I see the person my anger is meant to be for, I can be angry in a more functional a productive way. When I am with other people I can express my anger or not, but I won't direct it at them.

I'm not saying your path is wrong, it may be right for you. I'm just saying that for me, this is what is working. Advice was asked for and given as best I can.

You go Shen!!! I agree with everything you've said.

Control IS control no matter how you choose to interpret it. When I choose to control others,I am taking away their RIGHT to making decisions for themselves.

I look at anger as an automatic response to feeling unjustly treated no matter whether the issue at hand was intentionally done or not. By holding on to anger,I am choosing to hold on to my feelings of victimization. As long as you hold onto your anger and never properly address it ,you will just pent up more and more and more things until you become one frustrated and bitter person to be around.

Hugs,

Exercise, exercise, exercise. It may not make the root problems go away, but it gives you an outlet for your anger.

Shen, you are so articulate and full of grace. I love your posts on this topic, they speak to my soul!

wow thanks
I'm trying hard.

:-)