Codependency Support Group

What do you need to do to take care of you right now? Screw the rest, five yourself a night or an hour, and nurture yourself in a way that is not destructive to you or anyone else.
Hugs!
Been there.

I've got three kids too...but I know what you're going through-went through it for the first six years of my marriage. I stopped getting outwardly angry-mostly because it didn't do anything to change my partner's behaviors. I got depressed,because in MY mind,there was no way out,and no reason to bother fighting what just was(boy was I wrong!)

I've spent almost my whole life being angry and bottling it inside. I never gave myself permission to let it out. If you don't let the feelings out,they fester and harm your internal body not to mention your psychological/emotional balance.

I've heard through some wacko named Dr.Phil,that people always make issue of things that really have nothing to do with the root cause of the problem(just because what they choose to bicker or get angry over is easier to handle and the other). Life doesn't have to be so torturous for you.

I tell you,I moved across country to a place that I KNEW I would succeed in getting a good job. I told my partner 'with or without you I'm going there and bringing the kids with me'. I knew where we lived before I felt trapped and alone. Sometimes it takes coming out of our shell long enough to plan a future that lets us see a light at the end of it!

I'm only working on 3 hours of sleep,so if this doesn't make sense,you'll know why! LOL

Hugs,

Hello! In Alanon I learned not to take on the alcoholics responsibilities, nor to lie or cover up for him. I know this isn't always possible when children are involved but if you can find meetings and a sponsor it will help. Once I stopped taking over for my husband when he failed in his responsibilities I had no reason to be angry anymore. Blessings!

I agree with "Choam" (and Dr. Phill) that people get angry at side issue and not the root cause.

Doing things - work or responsibilities - for people we love is fun and rewarding. It is not just women because us men bend over backwards to get our woman whatever makes her happy.

And doing the work is what puts the worker in change in command, doing the work is very much a power play and we all love to work for others that we care about.

Anger about helping our mate only happens when the feelings are hurt.

The feeling of anger is still true and it is a real feeling and you have a right to get angry when there is stuff to be angry about.

Is the anger really because he makes a mess or is it because you feel disrespected? or feel lonely?

In treating codependency we must get in touch with our true feelings and then respond in a healthy way.

I get angry because I feel he doesn't care about the responsibilities involved in caring for our family and household. He knows that if he doesn't do something I will and it bothers me because I feel like a mother to four instead of three. I can go to work at the hospital and come back to a very messy house, my children are hungry, his clothes are on the floor, and he's in his room playing a video game with his friend! It annoys me soooo much! He refuses to get a steady job, I'm working two. I ask of him, if you don't want to go to work then at least go to school. It's been five years and no progress has been made. But I can't make him leave because where would he go? I don't want the father of my children living on the streets and how will I explain it to my children?

Wow, I say you do express your self very well.

I have a woman friend that is very similar to you as she is Bi and has three kids and she is 25 too except her babies' dad is now living on his own.

I like it that you care about NOT putting the man out of the house and onto the streets. I do not like doing stuff like that either.

For you to now create some healthy boundaries in a relationship of five years will be difficult to do - but you still could do it.

The best way and the nicest way (in my opinion) to set new healthy boundaries in that case would be for you to stop all your help to him.

Like no more sex unless he extremely changes his way - he might not like you having a gf so it will be easier for you then for him, and if he has a separate bed then never clean up his stuff, if he has favorite cups or dishes then leave those dirty and clean up everything else. This will be a war so you need to fight it like a war. You can always pick up his clothing but pile it in a corner and do not wash it. Try to find some one else to watch the kids or prepare some foods that kids like and he will not eat and make life difficult on the man.

Do not be outright mean but be firm, and if he wants favors from you then make him pay for whatever he gets - and pay well.

You do not have to break up or separate or divorce, you just stop being his servant and he will get the message sure enough.

Then when he finally COMES TO YOU to talk about it - THEN - then you can express your feelings more precisely to his full attention.

Boundaries are to make a relationship work - boundaries make life function in healthy ways, we need boundaries.

In war it is best not to attack but to draw the enemy out.

I think the whole idea of not being codependent is not trying to control other people. You can't make your husband do anything. You can only make changes in yourself. You need to do what feels right for you without expecting it somehow change him. It won't.
Also, if you are really looking for ways to process anger, there are some great ones that I have learned. I will share them here if you like, just comment - I will be watching the topic.

I would love to learn what you have Shen :) And thanks everyone for your advice and support.

One thing I tried quite recently was to write a letter to someone I was very angry with. I wrote down everything that bothered me about the person. After I wrote it, I took it outside and ceremoniously burned it down to nothing. It's surprising how much I got out of that. It was suggested to me months ago, but I didn't think it would help. I waited until things were really rough, and then wished I ahd done it sooner.

This was to work through anger from a while ago.

Another thing that I did was I went and bought a hammer. I could have used a hammer we had, but I just felt like I needed my own. They aren't too expensive. When I got home I found some old flower pots and bowls in the garage and put them in a large box. I put my sunglasses on in case of flying shards. I then pounded the pots to dust. Each time I swung the hammer, I shouted out something I was angry about. I know, it sounds kind of crazy, but I felt like I had really processed a lot of anger.

It has also been suggested to me that throwing eggs into a bathtub or tearing up an old phonebook to nothing (while verbalizing about your anger) can be just as good, and easy to clean up. lol

After the hammer or eggs or phonebook, you feel kind of drained. Then you should sit down and just write anything that comes into your head.

I guess the idea is that if you can get all of the really harsh emotions out in a safe way, maybe you can approach the problems of right now with a clear head, without reacting to all the old anger. For me, it helps me remember that I can't change anyone else if I can be calm.

I am still kind of new to all this, but I'm really studying everything I can find about codependency. I keep coming across things thqt say your life will change if you change you, that you don't have to change others.

Good luck, I hope this helps.

That sounds like trying to get rid of the feeling of anger and I say our anger is okay so long as we address the problems in a healthy way.

When some one else is dumping onto us then it is only right and proper to feel anger and to get angry.

We can get angry without having a temper tantrum or feel anger without blaming one self for our rightful anger.

And the concept of control is misplaced because we do have control over things and over events and we do have very much control over other people.

Codependency is about un-healthy control and controlling in unhealthy ways but that does not count out the opposite healthy controlling that we do need to control.

Control and controlling are not negative or dysfunctions until they are done in a dysfunctional or negative way.

Parents have control over their own children and rightly so, and when a parent abuses their children then that is an abuse of the parental controls.

In the 12 Steps it tells us we are "powerless" over alcohol or codependency but we take power away from the addictions by our taking control over it. We are NOT powerless to STOP alcohol or to stop codependency but we do need to stop it and take control of our self.

In saying that we can not control others and can not control things - so stop trying to control - and that is just flatly and factually not true, not real, not correct.

We definitely can control others just as others can control us and it is done all the time and everyday. The boss person on any job has control, the person that has there own home then controls there own home and we are to control those other people in our home. The police has control and gov has control over us and we can join the police or the gov and we get greater control. And codependency is about control and we codependent people are practiced at controlling others by various ways and means and the controlling ways do works in many cases.

Even with an abuser we can control our abuser by tricks or by threats or by calling the police or with a baseball bat, so we can take control, and in recovery we really do need to take control and to put controls onto our self and take control away from the abusers.

When we start creating our own healthy boundaries then THEN we surely can control what other people say or do, and healthy boundaries mean that we can CAN enforce the controls in healthy ways.

So I find in my own recovery of codependency is that I was trying to control others in unhealthy ways, and I myself was way out of control, and so after I created healthy boundaries that controls myself in healthy ways - then that gave me the ability to control others in healthy ways and not abuse.

Control is not a dirty word and control is not a "bad" word, it is just that the abusers have mis-used their control and they turned the control into some thing abusive. Like a parent or both parents are to be in great control of their children, so control is a God given aspect of parenting and we do not want to give up our healthy controls. An abusive parent is a parent that abuses their God given controls.

What do you say about that? To say we can not control is not the way to recovery.