Codependency Support Group

The AIDS thing is like a big huge thing in the background.

Like a giant pink elephant in the room - as the old saying goes.

The man might be afraid of giving the HIV to you? and he might be afraid that you will leave him? and he probably feels that he can not find some one else if you two break up? and he might not even be able to cheat on you because of the HIV ? and so you are very likely internalizing a whole lot of stuff that has nothing to do with you.

I do not know and I am not claiming any of that above, but the AIDS has got to be a big influence on whatever is going on with him.

So, Booky, since I have been here like this since 1997, I know all of what you said we have been going to marriage counseling for two yrs now. Do you suggest I just continue to live like this and ignore my feelings of wishing for any type of attention?

alysa, there is only 1 thing that is fair 2 u and ur son...... WALK..... get OUT and get urself surrounded by people who care about the real u, and ppl who help u stay away from him, who help u cut all ties with him.... he neglects u, so obviously his trying 2 manipulate u has nothing 2 do with u at all.... u deserve much, much better.... WALK... NOW.... go 2 a shelter if u have 2, or 2 family or a friend who will be supportive and help u 2 stay away from him, 2 rebuild ur self-esteem and ur life, so that u and ur son can have a life... a real life..... u may also wish 2 join the group "physical and verbal abuse", the leader, RubyMcC is one u can contact 4 help on getting out of an abusive relationship.... the most important thing is, WALK, NOW, toward ur future, and never, never, never look back........ hugs, IMA

I do not agree with breaking up a 16 year marriage unless there is some form of physical abuse.

Verbal abuse is a justification too, but when one is seeking recovery then a 16 year marriage is a great place to start making the healthy boundaries.

The verbal abuse can be confronted and stopped in many cases by using healthy boundaries.

Those boundaries will be needed whether you stay there or if you leave.

Boundary book link here below;

http://store.cloudtownsendstore.co...

And I simply feel that I must say - if my wife of 16 years (or 16 days) had a man friend that calls her "sweetie" then I would not like that either.

Your husband going to marriage counseling is a BIG deal, so my suggestion is that you bring up your feelings there in front of the counselor(s).

That is not as you say to "just continue" in it because that would be doing some thing to deal with the problems.

When we break-up our family then everyone gets hurt.

Just giving my opinion.

My husband doesn't have AIDS,but I used to get the same with him-very little affection or attention. I would lose weight,dye my hair,dress nice,nothing worked. He was in his own little world,and NOTHING seemed to work.

That is,until I started changing myself. I started positive affirmation to myself('cause I wasn't getting it from him),and doing things that made me feel special.

THIS is what you need to do. Surround yourself with things that makes you feel good.

For me,taking on challenging jobs and learning new skills(like driving a lift truck in the warehouse) made me feel empowered. My husband started paying more attention to whom I was becoming more and more over the years. I decided that if our relationship wasn't slowly improving,that I would slowly look at getting out kids and all. Thankfully,he's been changing quite a lot,but again I credit that to my setting boundaries,and him respecting them and setting his own as well.

Another issue we had was sexual ones. We made love maybe once a month. My husband made me believe it was because I was unattractive blah,blah blah. The truth was for him,sex intimidated him and he had sexual response issues that he was embarrassed to admit. It took several years before this got resolved. It's crazy how a lack of intimacy for me,made me negatively evaluate myself more.

Anyways,I just wanted to pop in here and send you some much needed hugs.

You are intillted to your opinion, yes there is verbal and physical abuse, and he is now physically abusing our son, So you really have no idea what I live with on a daily basies. I have given my own self up to be the best wife and mother to MY FAMILY. My children and the MOST important part of what makes me stay and try every moment to work out htis relation ship. Yes he has stopped using drugs for the 13th time, I resuced him from 5 yrs in prison this last time. It is just a matter of time. All of this I do bring up in our counseling sessions. Every week. He is nice when we are there and for the night than back to it all over again. So no you have no idea what I live with on a daily, second by second basis in my personall life. I work over full time daily and weekends and come home to all of this crap. My son comes to my work to get away from his father at times. How sad is that. I am lucky I work for such special people who do care. I want to be especially succesful for these people I work for and this personal life is bleeding through in my work, I can't have that anymore. I have to support my son now. At least my daughter is 18 and has a good life now. SO yes, you are correct you are intilled to YOUR opinon and I asked for it, but I must say until you know all the facts, you should not judge. Thank you.

How to make yourself feel better? Well I think that most of us have trouble with that and perhaps that it is key, just accept yourself just as you are... You may be frustrated and feeling ugly, but does that change the authentic you? No it doesn't.....
Try to separate the personality you from the authentic you and your personality will find peace.
Does anyone's advice or opinions, good or bad have anything to do with you? No they are just projecting their own stuff onto you.
Practice being in the now, learn it minute by minute and just love you exactly the way you are....
Focus on everything turning out well for you and it will be... it is magic and it works for everyone....

Boy, please forgive me for my post, just had a lose of sanity at that moment. I reread my post and became ashamed of my anger. I truely understand all of your advice. I am grateful for every bit of adive. Thank you all for taking the time to share with me.

just get up and leave nobody can stop you from leaving, sounds like he will use his disease to get back at yah, and you can't let him do that.Remember if we are living in misery it is because we let it happen, not because someone else is making us that way.

Don't know how progressed his HIV is, but it most likely is making him depressed, as he knows he is in the final stages of life. Near the end, the victim also experiences dementia. It's not you, it's him. Choose to either go on dying with this man or living as you want.