Codependency Support Group

Because you didn't make CLEAR boundaries between the two. You set aside one for the other. You chose your fiance,but obviously never completely disconnected from your ex.

Do your fiance a favor and cut out your ex from your life. Block his calls,and move on. What could you possibly miss about your ex? If he's in jail, that in itself shows what type of character he is.

I think you need to look at things realistically. You're obviously out of the infactuation phase with your current partner,and fantasizing about your ex is setting in. If you truly care about your partner,you'll stop thinking about your ex, and block his calls. Why did you choose your fiancee in the first place? Was he just the next best thing to come along? Explore the real reasons you fell in love and stayed with your fiancee. Stop fantasizing about your ex,there was obviously a reason you dumped him?

Either you're faithful to your current partner or you're not. Thinking about ex's isn't going to help your current relationship. Either you're faithful to your current partner(thoughts included) or you're not. Tell him now,before you waste more years making him think the relationship is something it's not.

I know how you feel in a way. I'm engaged to a wonderful man, but I do have my moments where I miss my ex-husband. But I've come to realize that its not him that I miss its some of the things that we used to do together, etc, or its that I miss the way I was when I was younger and more carefree. Don't confuse missing a time in your life for missing the person that shared it with you. Examine what you're thinking, if it really is the ex, or if you can't figure it out then perhaps you need to spend some time focusing on you instead of your partner (another mistake I also made). If either one of them is worth anything, they'll understand and give you your space and time.

I think YOU have made the mistake of not ending your previous relationship properly, that being with no emotional ties whatsoever. I believe, like YOU, that your fiance is the right choice of partner for YOU, however without having properly resolved your previous relationship it could well be he that loses out, at least in the short term maybe.

Continuing not to be with the man that YOU most desire means that everybody loses, and that is not fair on your innocent fiance. The pain associated with loss is far less than that associated with unfaithfulness, the decision is very much yours then to make.

Hi QueendeeL......
I'm not going to presume to give you advice. I can however share some similar circumstances I have experienced in my life in the hopes to give you a different perspective or perhaps to get you to look deeper into what might really be driving this.

I've been married 5 times. It still amazes me to see that number 5.
I didn’t plan this to happen nor did I imagine the possibility. One event led to another and eventually I ended up stuck in this repetitive cycle. I would start a new relationship and be happy for a short period of time. Eventually this relationship would get into trouble because of infidelity, betrayal of some sort, fill in the blank. Somewhere during this merry-go-round I finally realized, it wasn’t another relationship that I needed but rather a break in my life to take a step back and breathe. What I discovered in this “quiet” time was I needed to address some of the deep emotional scars that were interfering with my life and keeping me stuck in this cycle. I had this huge pain in my heart, an intense feeling of loneliness and a feeling I wasn’t worth very much.

I decided I didn’t want to wind up being on marriage #10 so I took charge of my life. I realized these are MY choices and decided I wanted off this merry-go-round. I started counseling, read many books on healing and even changed my major to Psychology. It has been 2 ½ years now and for the first time in my life, I feel free. I mean really free. When I look back I can see I was going nowhere fast and no matter how I tried to avoid my painful past, it continued to handicap my future.

Now I know the meaning of contentment and joy. One of the most helpful books that surprised me was by Joseph Prince, “Destined to Reign”. I wish you the best and I hope this helped.

You left your ex for a reason. Tell yourself that you miss things ABOUT him, but you don't necessarily miss him? Don't allow your self to entertain the thoughts. It's okay to feel the way you do as long as you are purposely thinking about it and you don't want to actually do anything about it.

woops. i meant to say as long as you AREN'T purposely thinking ... etc.

Miachel's response is one worth serious consideration, because not only does she speak from experience, she has also overcome obvious self impediments, what a CHAMPION!!!