Codependency Support Group

Hi everyone I'm new. Just discovered this website a couple nights ago, I think it's great. Here's my story in a nutshell:

Child abuse for 18 years.

At 18 moved out, fell in love with my first bf. We were together for 7 - 8 years. He was extremely passive-aggressive, but I didn't figure that out until after I left him. He just used me as a mother figure to take care of him in every way. Mostly financially. Wouldn't do anything to help out around the house, never paid the bills, ruined my credit, cheated on me, constantly lied about any stupid little thing, would not ever grow up, extremely immature, couldn't take care of himself, etc.

Everyone (including his own grandma) told me I could do better and would ask why I put up with him. Finally, after 7+ years, I got out. He moved on immediately to the next chick he could use. She is manic-depressive and began immediately threatening me, through phone calls and text messages, and called my relatives phone, in the middle of the night. This went on for about a year, constant threats, harassment, and often just hanging up when I'd answer. I never talked to her, except once to tell her that she needed help and I hope she gets it.

Anyway, I assumed that since everyone told me I could do better, and I didn't figure I could do much worse than that guy, I was anxious to find someone that would treat me right. Then I met the 2nd boyfriend. Dated only a few months, but due to my living/financial situation at the time, I ended up moving in with him, against my better judgment. He turned out to actually be a psychopath, a felon, and a registered sex offender (didn't find this out until after I left him). He was extremely verbally abusive to me, and physically abusive to his son, I knew it was just a matter of time before it got physical with me. When I left him, he stole thousands of dollars worth of my stuff, and threw the rest outside. He then bought a gun and began obsessively stalking me for over a year. He was just recently arrested for it and I have been trying to get a hold of the prosecutor to see if he's been sentenced yet. I also have a restraining order against him. He pled guilty and they wanted to get him for the max sentence. Plus if they went after him for the gun charges he could go to prison for over 10 years (felony possession of a firearm, multiple counts).

So after those two relationships, I gave up. I tried to get my life together. I realized after the first one that I was codependent, after reading Living With the Passive-Aggressive Man (which perfectly described my first bf and perfectly described me as codependent for putting up with it). Then I started reading as much as I could about codependency and realized it fit me perfectly. So I worked hard at getting better, I tried to stay single. I bought a house, a new car, got a new job with the federal gov't. I was finally happy for once, being single, which I never thought would be possible.

When the stalker ex found out that I moved into this house I just bought, I had finally had enough. That's when I went to the federal police (since I'm a federal employee and part of his stalking included emails to my gov't email account). When I went to report the incident to the federal officer in my building, there was INSTANT chemistry. He immediately started flirting with me, and within a week we were dating. I told him about both my exes and part of my child abuse past. He was so kind and gentle and loving towards me. He said he hasn't felt this way since HS (also, he is much older than me, 25 yrs older). He said he's waited his whole life to meet someone like me and was hoping that we'd marry. He would text and email me throughout the day, and we'd talk on the phone everyday. He lives an hour away but we work in the same building. We'd get together a couple times a week. I've NEVER felt such an intense chemistry with anyone before. It was unbelievable, and I wasn't saying anything because I was very unsure about how to proceed, but he was saying all these things I was thinking. He said he wanted to take it slow so it would work out. He could see the pain in my eyes, he mentioned it several times, and kept assuring me that he was NOT going to hurt me.

Then he suddenly, and I mean INSTANTLY, became distant. Then I found that he was using an online dating site. I confronted him. I was in the most severe pain ever. I've never felt so bad over a breakup, not even the 7 year relationship. I kept texting and calling him BEGGING for an explanation and he would completely ignore me. He never went back to the site and said he'd make it up to me and we could work through this. But he ignored me for days, the phone calls we did have were brief and didn't mention our relationship. He stopped saying he cared, unless I'd ask him, then he said he did. I thought I could win him back so I bought a well planned out sentimental gift, gave him a few days of no contact, then drove to his house to surprise him. I told him to stop pushing me away. He had mentioned that he's built up these walls, due to the pain of his previous two relationships. I'm pretty sure that's what he's doing, he's even admitted that he's getting scared and doesn't want to get hurt again. He mentioned wanting to meet a girl who will tear down his walls. But I realize now it's not possible. He's not gonna let it happen.

More reading and I realized he's an "avoidant" or "counterdependent" which is probably what attracted us to each other so intensely in the first place. I care about him but I know I have to let go. Sometimes I feel like I'll be fine and I don't need him. I've managed to not respond to the rare text messages he sends me. Every night he says he'll call but never does. He's even told me if he doesn't, to call him at a certain time, but I haven't. But sometimes I go through these REALLY intense withdrawals where I feel like I NEED him sooooo bad I can't stand it. It's so powerful I can't bear it. And eventually I'll give in and call him, and he won't answer. Then I get frantic and call and call and text. I get no response so I jump in my car and drive the hour to his house ($30 in gas round trip in my SUV). When I get to his door, he greets me w/ a smile and hug, as though nothing were wrong. He avoids serious conversation like the plague. But he'll talk about everyday BS. And he's still cuddly and holds my hand and massages me and tries to kiss me, but I don't kiss back anymore.

It's so difficult. Right now I feel ok, but I keep checking the time, this is the time when he says he'll call, but I know he won't. And tomorrow morning, or possibly tonight, I'll get a text message with his latest excuse (tired, phone broke, not feeling good, fell asleep, etc). He's the world's master of excuses. I guarantee you've never heard more excuses come out of someone's mouth. It's incredible. I know he has to deal with these issues of his if he ever wants to be in a relationship. And I know there's nothing I can do, he has to decide to do it. It's just so hard. The codependent part of me keeps wanting to show him the stuff I've read, show him that this is exactly what he's doing and work on both of our issues together. I've even sent him links to stuff, but he doesn't even read my emails anymore.

How do I deal with this?

P.S. I already wrote one journal entry, I plan on writing others about the relationships soon.
Posted on 08/07/08, 09:08 pm