Codependency Support Group

You might be correct to stay away as I do not know you or your situation or anything.

But I would say that when family is traveling a long distance to visit then it seems to me that greeting them and saying the "hello's" and doing the family stuff is the thing to do.

It is only five long miserable days and then they leave.

Just act nice and be respectful and bite your tongue and pray to God, and it will pass.

They might need your help. You might be a positive influence on them.

Our families are our gift from God - even if we hate every blessed one of them.

I was not called by them or asked to see them
a relative mentioned it in passing that they
may be visiting- so if they are here
I guess the wall or boundary was already
set -not by me,by them
IS this right?

I was not called by them or asked to see them
a relative mentioned it in passing that they
may be visiting- so if they are here
I guess the wall or boundary was already
set -not by me,by them
IS this right?

Yes, that sounds like a wall and not a boundary.

Some people call such things as a boundary but since it stops the relationship then that makes it a wall.

If they do visit you then that is a positive action, but relatives traveling a long distance to visit family and do not visit one member being you then they are sticking it to you and that would be a wall and a mean thing to do.

Of course walls are mean things anyway we build them.

And maybe they knew of the "one relative" telling you "in passing" and that means they could be inviting you in a very timid and weak way.

My family shuns me too and it is because they are afraid that I will talk about codependency or about our family problems or about feelings - and it is true that if my family communicates with me in any length then I will expess some form of healthy boundary to any or all of them.

When they run or hide or avoid us then the wall is theirs and only theirs, and it means they are not open or willing to face up to us or to the problems.

My family and myself too still have a lot of pain and conflicts and I am not going to mingle with the few family members that want to pretend every thing is just wonderful.

So long as we are willing to see them and to communicate with them (in negative or positive ways) then our boundary is open if they want a relationship with us or not.

You could push the issue by going to visit the visitors while they are in the neighborhood, but I would call first and if they make any excuse then I would let their wall stand until they become ready.

Thanks
I told them to call if they came here to visit
and did not hear from them
I felt bad
I send cards and gifts too

Wow, Booky... I like your comments a lot. Even though they are difficult to carry out in many cases. They put things in perspective.

I've had AWFUL experiences with extended family. And many good ones too.

One of the things I've learned about me, over the years, is that I seem to seek out situations where I "get" to feel left out, like I don't belong, like I'm not wanted. I figure God wants me to work through that, and so He makes it uncomfortable for me so that I'll learn to manage those moments differently.

How ever it is that we deal with this stuff, from my point of view, it should be with the thought of "Don't lose the lesson in this." There's always one there. Always.

In a convoluted, strange way, my greatest detractors have been my greatest teachers.

Hang in there, Kellie! And my additional suggestion to you is to look for those who DO want you around and who DO include you and who DO show love and affection to you. I'm sure there there. It's just that we don't focus so much on them.

V.