Codependency Support Group

yes my sister is also going to be at the birth as you can only have two birthing partners because me and my mum honestly never got on since my dad passed away when i was 9 i was a daddys girl so mum never liked me she always puts her men before her 2 daughters so my sister will be there at the birth i just want a confotable birth with no argument with sean or my sister because i dont think my sister will go to my babys birth if my partner goes because he stole off her arrh i still dont no what to do!

I do not suggest having the ex in the delivery room.

He can wait out in the waiting room and see the baby after the birth is over.

Most men have incredible maturity imposed upon us when we see our baby first born.

My memory and experience of my son was unforgetable and life changing.

I say HELL NO.. to him being at the birth of the baby. Until he can prove he is mature and behave like an adult and has taken some parenting and anger management classes, he should NOT have any contact with the baby. You are going to be on an emotional roller coaster with the birth of your child and don't need him around to confuse you mentally or emotionally. NO, NO, NO...
I've seen this happen before. these guys are emotional manipulators and while your defenses are down, I'm concerned he will wiggle himself back into your life. This is far too fresh for him to be involved in your life. Perhaps a year or two down the road, if the court mandates visitation, but for now. NO WAY.

Ask your self is this how I want to spend the rest of my life? Because He won't change and even if he does it'll be slow and painfull for you. Run as fast as you can and don't look back! Believe me you don't want to end up with him using drugs stealing from you and hitting you while you take on the responciblity of three babies because Its as easy said as done. Im in that perdicument he don't hit me aniy more he's just out untill 5am god knows where or with who and he sleeps most of the day away and I take care of three kids. Not cool. I just want some one to help a partner a team player. But I told him to leave yesterday 'cause my 6 year old don't need to learn staying out all night parting is a good or normal father.

Hi babylacey-I read this post, and the replies...some say "hell no!" to the engagement and involvement in your babies birth, while others apparently agree that you did the right thing by ending it with him, but that you should yes, definitely let him be there at the birth. Obviously, there is no easy solution here.

I think that we are all guilty of seeking immediate, and final solutions to problems that are complex and ongoing. He isn't someone that you can safely be with at this time, and it stands to reason that if it isn't safe for YOU, then it certainly isn't safe for a helpless infant. You know he's abusive, and we know he's abusive. Family court won't know that he's abusive, and they won't believe you without proof. They may well think that you're just another "malignant mom" trying to deny a father his parental rights by alleging abuse.

If you can't prove that he's abusive to the court system, he will be allowed full parental rights. You may be granted primary physical placement, but likely he will be granted joint custody. He will be granted full, unsupervised visitation. This may happen EVEN IF you are able to prove that he was abusive toward you, and if you've gotten a restraining order against him, the courts may order you to provide a suitable (to both of you) candidate for third party pick ups and drop offs.

People can change. If people couldn't change, then there wouldn't be any need for a support site like this one because we would all be stuck in whatever dysfunction we're in. Men are people, and people can change. It's possible that someday he may take the steps that he needs to take to become a better person, and a good father. You're both young. It's possible. But that day may be a long way off. Until then, it's best that he has as little involvement as possible.

Your decision to keep him out of babies life doesn't have to be permanent. It's hard to see 5, 10, 14 years into the future, especially for someone as young as yourself. If you decide to shield baby from the physically abusive, drug abusing thief that he is today, that doesn't mean that you are denying your baby a father for always. It's sad, but your baby won't have a father right now anyway because at this point in your ex's life, he can't be a father. He's not ready. Maybe he never will be, but you never know.

That was the long answer. Here's the short one: Tell him that he's not the father. Tell him you cheated on him, tell him whatever you need to tell him. If he disputes that, remind him that at least he won't have to pay CHILD SUPPORT (we all know that he won't pay anyway, and that in a reasonably short period of time, he'll be facing a warrant for his arrest, possible suspension of driving privllege, etc). He may push for a paternity test, but I doubt it.

If he doesn't establish paternity, you don't need to list him on the birth certificate. This doesn't rule out a future relationship between him and his child, but it does give you complete control over the situation as it is now. Ultimately, your child will want to know, and if he's a better man by then he can establish paternity at that time.