Codependency Support Group

it doesnt seem there is a boundry....it seems the two of you are each a part of a puzzle and the peice that sticks out is the part that jives between you too.....i am not saying this to be mean...i have the same problem with my bf.....i am 56 and i have followed the same pattern for ever....i am extremely co dependent and never feel as though i can exist alone..

Thanks for your input striklyfear, I think you make a good point. My boundaries are all mixed up in his, and probably vice versa. I feel a need to get a clear idea of where I stop and he begins, in terms of the dysfunctional dynamic in our relationship.

For example, he has blamed his lack of sexual initiative and low sex drive on me. He has insulted nearly every part of my being, both physical and emotional, in order to lay the blame at my feet. He would target a specific behavior or body part, and exaggerate it's "flaws" in a reasonable, rational sounding tone of voice. I would defend myself, and he would argue his case, all in that same tone. He would even ask loaded questions, designed to elicit responses that would back him up. Needless to say, my body image was forever changed by these interactions. Once upon a time, I felt sexy. Now I don't. The end.

But all of that was several years ago. He doesn't rip on me like that anymore. He's tried, in his fashion, to "fix" it. It's been a slow progression, but we do have sex more frequently now. Every once in a blue moon, he even tells me that I'm beautiful. He touches the parts of me that he has said disgusted him, and he touches me more often. Problem is, his compliments are minimal and vague, while his insults were frequent and specific. Simply telling me, "I think you're beautiful, honey," in a sort of patronizing tone (that's how I hear it) does not outweigh or even balance out with, "I once f**ked a chick who was so tight, she had to have her own lube. You're like a warm bowl of chili." Or, "I've been with 62 year olds with better tits than yours. What's amatter with them, why do they flatten out like that when you lay down?" Etc.

He insulted me. That hurt, and I think that it would hurt anyone, not just codependents. But how much of my hurt, and the loss of my self confidence, stems from my need to be pleasing to him, from my need for his approval? How hurt would a "normal" person with clear boundaries be?

I think that a "normal" person (and I do not claim to be "normal") would have been deeply hurt by those comments. Anyone with a pulse would have been hurt by those comments if they came from someone that they love. It is the reaction to the hurt caused by the comments that makes us codependants different for "normal" people. I think that perhaps if you are reliving the moments when those things were said to you and beating yourself up with constant replays then that is when he checks out as your abuser an you check in to take over and finish the job. I do a fair amount of this as well. If someone insults me or treats me cruelly, after the initial pain of the event, I then replay the scenario many, many times. Of course every time I rehash the comment or event in mind in is as if it is happening all over again. All of the pain associated with the event is fresh as if it really is happening. I really do not know why I beat myself up like this. I am actually working very hard to stop this mental self bashing that happens when I dwell on past comments. I am very glad that you posted this because even today I have been replaying a situation that happened on Saturday and beating myself emotionally with it. I did not realize until I read your post that I had been beating myself up with the replay until just now.

there is no line. it's a cycle. the nature of abuse makes you feel not good enough or that it's your fault which just feeds on your codependency. It's a toxic and symbiotic relationship.