Caregivers Support Group

You might feel 'used up' but you're not! You're worn out lovie! Here's what I suspect might be the way to go....

I know you're not over the loss of your Mother, to be honest...I don't know if we ever 'get over it'...I think it's more of an 'acceptance' we need to wrap our heads around.

I believe that these experiences change who we are, mostly for the better, it makes us more compassionate, more empathetic to others, more respectful and gives us a higher value to our relationships...we tend to not take them for granted.

The 'now what'? You need to grieve this one out, you've not done it because you've been on autopilot dealing with everyone else who has required a lot of attention...it wouldn't surprise me if like me, you've also volunteered yourself to be distracted with everyone else's stuff to avoid your own!? Or is that just me?

Maybe part of the grieving is continuing the support to others going through hard times, maybe your focus now on creating a support group and gathering other women together facing the same 'avoidance' as yourself might be the way to go to get this out of your system?

I know when my Dad died, despite knowing it was coming, knowing it was the best for him, knowing he was old and sick...ripped my heart out completely! It was then that my umbilical cord finally felt cut...I was lost, I belonged no where, I really felt like an orphan for the first time in my life...I no longer had to be where I lived because of my Dad and hospitals etc...was the biggest shift that I didn't see coming and it took me a long time and thousands of miles for the dust to settle...and I ended up here!

It's all part of our journey and all part of our lessons we're here to learn...I do feel your pain and sadness...my Mother died when I was small, while I don't remember what my older siblings remember, there's a void that's never been filled and the longer I live the more I accept that this was part of my lesson.

If I were you I would create something that made me face my fears and pain and get it over and done with...I'd do something special because of her and in her memory...take this pain and sadness and make something positive come out of it.

The more we love, the deeper we love, the harder it is to let go...that was another big lesson for me in this lifetime too! Letting go! Your Mother does not want you to be sad like this, you know this too! You owe it to yourself to figure out a way to heal and bring joy back into your life, it's your right to be happy.

Consider this when you're feeling so down...can you imagine if one of your children were feeling this way about loosing you? If you knew that they would be emotionally crippled and so overwhelmingly sad that they couldn't function...how would you feel? That's how your Mother is feeling looking down and seeing her child's heart break! I truly feel like crying for you.....

I'd do some symbolic here to start this process...your job now is to have this grieving resolved and use your experience to help others stuck in theirs....that's the 'now what!'

Love
Muriel
xox

I know that it's hard as I lost my mother selveral years back. I think that as time passes, it does get easier. I agree with mac that perhaps acceptance is a good word. My thought is that you are like me stay busy caring for everyone and everything which helps me avoid feelings. It is so important to allow yourself time to grieve through the different stages. Prying for you and take the time you need to take care of yourself including greive. Mary Ellen

DLouise, I think Mac said it all and said it so well..wow, lots of wisdom there Mac...

I know when my dear, beautiful father died, I couldn't even say"died" for years and years, I just grieved and grieved and couldn't speak of him to anyone because I would start balling, the pain was just too much, I just missed him too much...then when my grandchildren came along, I felt like, they NEEDED to know about this wonderful man, so I started telling them all about him, things he did, said, things I just loved about him, remembering his favorite sayings and telling them, and now they say it. I can't keep him here physically, but I can keep him fresh and alive in our minds and hearts and make his having been on this earth "something important"...ya know? I didn't just want him to fade away, like he was never here. I'm getting a star named after him this week, just decided to finally do it...I had a tree planted in his name...
my son and grandson carry his name for their middle names, it all makes me feel like I've honored him the best way I can..

DLouise, we know how much you loved and cared for your dear mom, my heart goes out to you, I wish I could make you feel better, but it's something you just have to work through, perhaps start a memorial fund, a scholarship, something in her name and work at it...? Take on one of her favorite charities and shove yourself into it, I don't know kiddo, I just kind of stumbled through it blindly. You know, I will be facing this ultimately with my beautiful mom in the not-too-distant future and I will totally collapse, I'm sure. After spending so much of my days and nights caring for her and about her, there will be a major hole in my life and my heart, and my days and nights. I'm hugging you now, I hope you get it....peace and love to you kiddo, hang in there.

Its very important to grieve, and yes its about acceptance, you never really get over it sort of speak..my father died 11 yrs ago, anniversary just passed last week, it was sudden and in his sleep..i am my beus caregiver, you can always be a mentor for other people like you did your mom..your not washed up and used, your compassionate, its a great quality to have..im sure your mom is proud of you..

Diane,
I so agree with all of the above. It hard to accept illness and death. I was here when you were caring for your Mom and you went through a lot. You also had a lot on your plate also. Maybe things are calming down and the reality of your Mom's passing is catching up to you?
I came here where I am the mother of my son who is schizophrenic. I was also in the grieving process - losing the son I once knew and accepting the new son who has schizophrenia. I was also dealing with my husband's stroke, with the death of my dear sister who had brain cancer and the death of my dear brother who had just died last year of a massive heart attack.
Everyone here helped me and accepted my ramblings. So I went through the process, and learned to slowly accept what is. Now I am faced with another brother who was just recently diagnosed with the same brain cancer that my sister had. So I move on to another journey of grief and acceptance.
But you know what, for all we go through, we can sit and feel sorry for ourselves or we can do something - like everyone above said. I am involved with the schizophrenic society and helping those who suffer a mental illness, I canvass for the Cancer Society. I do what I can to make a difference.
You are here because you are helping others who are dealing with caregiving. That is giving back. That is sharing what you went through to help others who are going through the same thing.
You will survive Diane - but you will go through periods of grief - from denial, bargaining, sadness, anger and acceptance - and you will move back and forth in those steps. Just when you think you have accepted everything, poof - you are back in the anger or sadness phase of grief. That is normal.
Hang in there.

Lovely Diane,
It's all been said so eloquently before me by Muriel and Louise and all the others.. they are so right. You and I grieved our our Mothers passing together..Mine is May.. yours in December.
So, I will just say... listen to their advice..and understand it is a process... I'm now leaving to go see my beautiful Dad who is in the hospital after his heart surgery on Friday. I stayed til midnight last night. I am so fearful of his passing.... He has been my rock my whole life. So like, you, I cannot imagine life without him in it. But I know I will have to, when it's his time. Hold on.
We all love you so so much. Prayers for comfort ... Love Love Love...
Donna
xox

Thank you all so much for you kind words and understanding.. I know we are all traveling a hard road.. sometimes it just seems harder then other times.. Love D

Wow! This group of amazing woman never cease to amaze me. Wonderful words of wisdom, care, compassion and kindness. And then me, a day late and a dollar short!

My dear D, you still have so very much to offer and I know that you do here in every way, every day. I know without a doubt that you spread your sunshine, warmth and genuine personality throughout the day with everyone you touch. Whether it be here at DS or for those fortunate to see your beautiful smile and face. Never, ever forget that your Mother instilled in you those wonderful features to be shared with the world. Love and hugs always! P

Hi Diane. You have so many tibits of advice, caring and love. My daddy passed away Feb 2004. I am not over it. I want to feel him hugging me and hear his laughter. Time softens the blow. You are so wonderful and we all are grateful you are in our group.