Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Exactly what you are doing. Tell him to stop texting you (can you block him?). Tell him that he needs to make a commitment to your relationship (get into counseling, stop seeing OW, etc) or he needs to move on. Maybe one more meeting to get his stuff and that's it.

He's scared because the OW has rejected him so he is using all these excuses to have contact with you to see if you are still 'there.' It's a way of soothing himself and reducing his anxiety. Kind of like when a little kid on the playground keeps running back to mommy to make sure she hasn't left.

This doesn't necessarily mean that he wants you back. And if the OW decided to see him, you can bet you wouldn't hear from him for a while. You are right in that you need distance from him to get closure. If it were me, I would tell him to stop contacting me and get himself a therapist. You don't need to hear how sad and confused he is. He is sending you mixed messages and that's not fair to you. Hugs.

Thanks Gemini. Yes i totally agree that if OW changes her mind he will be off there like a shot. He see's her as a way out of the grief he feels for his dad because they have no history yet, they have yet to argue about the kids, argue about money and she has yet to experience him shutting his emotions away.

I have no doubt in my mind that there was very little between them other than sex, as she is 10 years younger than him, has 4 kids by different fathers with no job and no money. But because she took the pain away from his grief, she has become, in his mind, the best thing ever.

When he was thinking more rationally he admitted that he knew they would never work and that he was more flattered because of her age. He has also told me in the past that her house is a tip, shes not "pig ugly" but not pretty and she doesnt look after the kids very well (left them downstairs looking after themselves while they were in bed all day and kids only 9, 7, 3 & 2).

He is very house proud, likes everything clean, kids are very important to him and (without blowing my own trumpet) looks wise she holds nothing on me!

I just struggle to believe that he cannot get this fantasy out of his life. If he moved in with her she would be looking after his 3 kids too. Tiny house, little money and 7 kids - fantastic relationship that would be!!!

The most frustrating thing about it all is that i know deep deep down this isnt what he wants, i know him that much. I know it might appear an excuse the death of his father, but i do know that he is not the same person as he was before.

Its just whether that old person can re-appear or whether the new "i dont give a shit about anybody but myself" person stays.

If you have a Verizon Wireless phone you can set up text blocking. Go to their web site, log into messaging. Its on there some where. i was going to block a few numbers for my wife.... SINCE SHE DOESNT SEEM TO WANT TO DO IT HERSELF!

ha!
Chuck

Am in the UK so dont really know what that is. Phones here can block certain numbers and its something i am going to have to look into.

The only fear i have with blocking his number is that he will then turn up at the house which will hurt even more.

Yesterday .....

He started his texts 1st thing in the morning, so its the 1st thing i see when i wake up - does he honestly think for some reason he isnt going to be in my head anyway without the need to text me. He asked if i had any bank statements of his. so i replied and told him no i havent, i have already given you everything of yours. now leave me alone!!

Didnt hear anything else till 4.30, he text me to say he was on his way round house with some money for bills or should he just post it through the letterbox. I told him i was at work still so just post it.

I got home and envelope was on the door mat so felt ok with knowing he wasnt going to mess about over money aswell as everything else. I thought i should say thank you for the money incase he gets the hump and then doesnt give me anymore next week.

I simply replied "ta for the money". made myself a cuppa and sat and had a good cry for a few minutes - not sure why my crying sessions dont last very long. is this normal ?

out of the blue i got a text saying something about me telling people he was a wife beater. God knows where that come from because i have NEVER said that and wouldnt cause its not the truth. I told him this and asked where he had heard that from if he hasnt spoken to OW today esp as he told me he has deleted her number and has no way of contacting her now. He told me that she had told him that previously and that OW didnt matter anymore as i had made sure that it was all over with them (by telling her the truth when i spoke to her weeks ago).

I again told him that i wasnt sorry he was upset over her, and that the sooner he realised she was fantasy and a outlet for his grief, the better it would be for everybody. I also asked him why he blamed everybody else for everything bad in his life. Told him he needed to accept responsibility for his own actions and accept the blame. I also said that im sure if world war 3 broke out tomorrow he somehow would blame that on me aswell !

He apologised for what he had said and said he didnt mean to take it out on me and said he was feeling sick. I asked what he meant and he said sick from being so sad. I told him he had only himself to blame for the mess he had created.

He said that he knows he needs to face up to things.

that was the end of his messages. i didnt reply and he left it too


Today .....
Woke up to another text message, this time asking if i had a reference number for something. I text him back " NO now F*CK off"

he replied with "i only wanted the bloody number"

I left it for a while and because he has made me so angry, i text him and told him yet again that he has made this decision, this is what he wanted and he had to let me go. I asked him if he loved me and if he wanted to sort this out.

He didnt reply for ages and then replied "no sam im sorry but we are over"

i told him not to be sorry but that he needed to leave me alone. I didnt want him contacting me again. I had to deal with my own grief now and if he ever cared about me, he should allow me that.

That was about 5 hours ago and since i havent heard anything so i am glad of that at least.

Everytime i get stronger he knocks me back down again !!!

Well, I think you nailed it when you said you don't read or respond to MOST of his messages. Think of it like this: If you are a parent trying to teach your child it's not okay to throw tantrums in the check out aisle at the grocery store - given the fact you have allowed this behavior for years - so what do you do? You don't buy the candybar and you ignore the tantrum. You do this four or five times, the screaming gets louder. The sixth time you break down and buy the candybar. That erases the first four or five successes! You have to be consistent ALL of the time! Your ex probably still is connected to you and wants to see that the connection is maintained in the event he regains his senses. A safety net thing. But, if you want the calls to stop, you have to be non-responsive, unless it pertains to something "business" like.

I do want the contact to stop, but more so to give him the chance to actually miss me and realise what a big mistake he has made(sad i know).

Everything has just happened so fast, 4 weeks ago i had no idea about the affair, last wednesday he was still doing everything he could to make us work, last friday he moved out saying he didnt want us to split up, and this week has been so up and down i havent a clue whether im coming or going sometimes.

Well, it's some time for reverse psychology! See the problem with the contact is this: it gives him the opportunity to keep you at arms length while knowing you are still there. This allows him to have his cake and eat it too. Another words, he can take his sweet time, going through his own stuff, knowing he has all the time in the world to make a decision. It allows him to not act NOW, to think about things NOW. That safety net I was telling you about . . .
It's apparent he still loves you and doesn't want to let you go, otherwise he wouldn't contact you. If you want to work it out and you want to him to make a decision you have to MAKE him make a decision. And that starts with, "I can't talk to you about anything that isn't business-like in nature. I am moving on with my life and need to cut these emotional ties with you. You do what you need to do, but keep your life separate from mine. We are no longer together." If you are CONSISTENT with this it will FORCE him to make a choice, and he will choose you.

Tell him to stop contacting you! You will contact him when you are ready. I had a similar situation. I was fine as long as he left me alone, but he would text message and write emails. He wanted to play both sides of the fence. I told him once when he was planning to come over because I did not pick up the phone that I couldn't talk to him. He did not realize the immense pain the sound of his voice caused, very self-centered. I finally told him to not contact me, that I and the family needed time and to be left alone. He finally has respected that.

Jen - i totally agree which is why i am doing my best to stop the contact (now extremely well i know but getting there).

I realise he has to realise how he truly feels because at the moment he doesnt know. He goes from one extreme to the next.

He has already said to me that he feels we shouldnt be together anymore because he has been waiting for the "i miss her and what the hell have i done" to kick in. What he doesnt realise is thats never going to kick in with contact every day. How can you miss something that still there (even when in seperate houses) it just doesnt work like that.

The fact the he allowed himself to have feelings for OW has also clouded his judgement on our relationship. He doesnt understand that real love isnt the same as the feeling you have for someone in a new relationship, ie OW. He also need to get his head straight and admit to himself that she isnt in the picture anymore.

Some times i think that we are over for good. That he has made his decision and he knows that is what he wants.

Other times i think that he does still love me (and i do honestly believe that) and that he will wake up one day missing me and realising what a good relationship we had.

My only worry is that because of his depression he isnt in the same place most people are. He isnt thinking straight about anything. My biggest fear is that with no contact he will get it into his head that he has lost me, he already knows he has lost OW, so he will just find someone else to fill the void. He has always been kinda needy.

Saying that, i also know that if he does do that, its something that out of my control and there is nothing i can do to stop it.

When you love someone so much is just hurts to see them destroying themselves.