What is Breakups Divorce
Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the ending of a marriage before the death of either spouse. The main causes of divorce in 2004, according to a recent study, were extra-marita...
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Wanting the ex or grieving the marriage?
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I could really use your all's opinion on something. I know it's a bit lengthy, but really need some educated opinions from people that have been through it.
I have found myself the last few months very unsettled about my upcoming divorce. I have been seperated for 10 mo. (which here, in NC, you have to be a yr. before you can divorce). I just am not 100% that divorce is the right thing to do. My stbx and I get along extremely well. We talk on a regular basis to update each other on the kids and even talk about our dating and sex lives. (I know, wierd, right?) We have also cried and sincerely apologized to each other for our part in the failed marriage. We respect each other and definitely still care about each other. But have had NO talks on reconciliation. When I asked him where he was about a month ago, he told me he was breaking up with his g/f, b/c he just really wanted to be alone. (He's been with her since before he left here.) I, on the other hand, have had much time to be alone. When I think of what all I want for my future and what I want in a future husband, thoughts of him comes up. I don't know what to make of it. I thought I was over him, but am definitely not completely. If he would be willing to try, and I decided thats what I wanted to do, I wonder if we could make it work. The thing is, I dont' know if I'm just grieving my marriage and what could have been or if I do want to give us another try. I know it takes two people to decide this, so its not just up to me. I haven't said anything ot him, and don't plan on it just yet. But this has come up in my mind more than a couple times the last few months. What do you make of it? For those of you that have been seperated and/or divorced, did you go through any of this? Thank you so much in advance! I really appreciate you taking the time to read it! Posted on 09/25/08, 09:09 pm |
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This is a hard one since I don't know the reason for the breakup but I'm guessing it was OW. As time goes on watch and wait. There is nothing wrong with saying is this what you really want. The worse thing is he can say yes. You will know you gave it one more shot. Hugs. 
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OMG You just wrote my story! I am going through this right now. Tomorrow I have a so called date with my stbx in regards to discussing all this. Its hard because I myself am not sure if I am just grieving ( because our Anniversary is Oct 24 ) or is it a really need him. So need a friend I am here!
But other wise go with your heart.. Maybe you can do what I am doing.. go out for drinks in a relaxing setting and talk.
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I hate to advise this, but I would say that you really need to talk to him about it. Let him know what you are thinking and see what happens. The reason I said I hated to advise this, is the risk of getting rejected.
Wow, I really don't know!
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Do you want a man who chose to have a girlfriend before he left you? (Not very trustworthy or respectful) I guess that's what I would be asking myself. And the answer for me would be, No.
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Sld - the marriage falling apart was two fold. He screwed up royally in some ways. And I did the exact same thing. Thats why I said that we both have apologized for our part in it. Because we never truly meant to hurt the other one. We do still love each other. Just am not sure what the difference is when you hear some say, "Of course you will always love your ex in a way" and "I really love this guy and want him". Thanks you guys!
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We both cheated. So, it wasn't just him.
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im going through this right now. you probably can find my posts i made a couple of days ago and see some responses. My ex and i didnt cheat. but she left me and found her way into another mans arms. he kicked her to the curb. i never got over her. so im trying to reconcile right now. taking it very very slow
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I always for saving a marriage if you can. But you will never know what he is thinking or feeling if you don't ask. Maybe he's afraid to talk to you about it too.
Just lay it out there but be prepared to accept rejection if it comes. Maybe he truly does just want to be alone right now. What you can do is suggest that you don't necessarily have to get a divorce when your year is up just because the state law says it's time - you can both wait longer if you want. Get to know each other again on a different playing field. Obviously both of you have changed. I would also suggest marriage counseling to get over the mutual cheating. You both have to learn to trust each other all over again. I wish you well honey. If he loves and forgives you as you are willing to love and forgive him, then I say go for it - try and make it work. Some strained marriages do survive. Hugs.
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Take the chance. You only get one life.
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Flutter, something similar happened to me recently.
My stbx blindsided me the other day by saying she had been thinking about our divorce and wanted to give our marriage another try. It came completely out of the blue for me. (It didn't help that she sprung this on me when I was pretty drunk. I told her I needed to sober up before we talked about it, so I managed to weasel a couple of days that way.) Thinking about it, I realized a few things: (1) My stbx and I will always care about each other to one degree or another. Call it love, call it whatever you want. We were married for over 12 years and have a son together. In spite of everything that's happened, there's still affection there. I think it would be really tragic if we didn't feel this way about each other, actually. The marriage wasn't a complete disaster, after all. We just couldn't make each other happy. (2) I also realized, though, that nothing had changed. A big problem in our marriage was that she would have these strong feelings about things, really important things, but she would never verbalize them to me until it was too late for me to do anything about them. We're 9+ months into the healing process now. I feel like I've healed significantly. It took a lot of work for me to get to where I am today. And for her to just spring this desire to reconcile on me like she did showed me that we were relating to each other the same way we always had. She said she had been thinking about it for about a month. I had no idea. That's no way for a married couple to communicate. So what I'm saying to you is this: Has anything changed that would ensure the problems you had in the past won't still be problems in the future?
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