Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the ending of a marriage before the death of either spouse. The main causes of divorce in 2004, according to a recent study, were extra-marita...
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I joined this group because my ex had broken up with his second wife ! A little strange ,I know but when his wife cheated on him with another Woman it changed our relationship and it opened up old wounds for us both. I am happily married to my second husband and have two more kids to him ,my ex did not have more children ,we have three together .
when I first heard about his break up ,I must admit I laughed for days ,mean I know but he did cheat on me so it was sweet revenge .But then he rang me and started ringing me regularly looking for sympathy ,we had gotten on well after the first 3 or 4 years .So we had spoken regularly about our kids and money and stuff but nothing personal and never about our break up. But now he seemed to need my support. I was ok with that ,felt sorry for him till he started to make little comments along the lines that our break up was similar to this one ,that he didn’t trust women because we all lied and that I did the same to him as his cheating new wife .Well non of that was true ,he cheated on me not the other way around ,I left him because of his alcoholism and his verbal and sexual abuse. He spent the last 8 years in AA but had refused to get sober while we were together ,well not for long any way. So it seems he was re-writing history in a big way .Look I know he was shattered when I left him but it was hardly a surprise ,well it would not have been if he had ever listened to me when I begged him to get help before he destroyed our marriage ,now all of a sudden I was the same as the Bitch that left him for her lesbian lover ??? How did that happen.??? He repeated one line I had said to him during our break up that meant to him I was as big a liar as the second wife . At the end of our break up after counselling ,suicide threats from him and me telling him again and again that it was over ,he still came around harassing me ,begging me to come back ,yelling abuse at me and coming around drunk .I said to him “its over ,I don’t love you and I am not sure I ever really did ,I think our relationship was based on co-dependency not love “ That’s it ,that is the meanest thing I said to him and now years later he says that meant I lived with him for 14 years pretending to love him ,the whole time lying to him about my feelings and I was a good actress ,I had him convinced I loved him. All this had me confused for a while but I think I have sorted it out now .He is taking my words literally when it was meant as a statement that our relationship was not healthy .MG ,I was a 16 year old girl who ran away from my abusive mother and paedophile step father ,I was young and screwed up and confused and I mistook the feeling of familiarity and comfort I found in his sick alcoholic life as love ,he still mistakes care -taking and dependency for love. I did love him but it was not a healthy love. I can see that my statement hurt him ,I had tried hard to break up with him kindly but he was not going to except it was over till I told him straight ,all my other reasons ,he be-little saying “but I never hit you†as though that meant every thing else was nothing ,but how close did his fists come to my head every time he punched a wall because I dared to tell him I would not take any more abuse or I needed the money to go for food instead of beer ! Posted on 07/05/07, 05:07 am |
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I think you are right - he is rewriting history. It is very common for people to go back to a previous relationship when the current relationship falls apart. Something about the familiar.
You are happily married - this kind of thing can easily cause problems in your current marriage if you are not careful. You need to keep your distance from him and not get sucked back into his drama. Clearly, you have been able to identify your issues during the marriage and you recognize the magnitude of his problems. It might be helpful for you to see a counselor to help you get re-heal some of those old wounds. Good luck. 
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Thanks ,Funny thing is ,when my ex was upset and I started to back off ,well my husband actually felt sorry for my ex and suggested we see more of him ,I found it hard to put into words that I was afraid to get too involved. I could see a situation coming up that could threaten my marriage
.I would like to clear the air and have a talk to my ex but in his emotional state that would not be a good idea. But when is ? I thought by having marriage counselling after we broke up that he would have worked it out ,worked out what went wrong and how to do it different but apparently he just put all the blame on me and continued doing the same things ,ok his wife left him for some one else this time but it was the same underlying problems he had with me except of cause he stoped the drinking with her .He just see’s himself as the victim because I left ,that doesn’t mean I was all to blame ,some times the person that leaves is pushed to it by the behaviour of the other. All the time we hear stories of abused women who leave and we congratulate them ,but their husbands feel they are the ones being hurt by the break up ,they forget the years of pain and trauma that led to the break up .I guess we need to remember there are always two sides ,one is often wrong but they are also often the ones that cry victim the loudest. When I left him I was angry with him for all those years of pain ,he was angry with me for the pain my leaving caused him ,who’s pain is worse ?I think nether ,but at least the leaver takes back their power .And often the one left has had plenty of opportunities to fix things before it got that bad. What was my choice ? Stay and continue as we were because he had no intention of changing or leave .
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