Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the ending of a marriage before the death of either spouse. The main causes of divorce in 2004, according to a recent study, were extra-marita...
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What is realistic in love?
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I've been going through so many ups and downs this year with my guy, thinking it was over and then trying again, but no matter what I do or how much hope I have, I feel like something is missing. It's not this hollywood romance notion of being passionately in love, it's not thinking a relationship isn't going to have problems to work through- it's that undefinable quality that's there when you look at your spouse and think, God, I love that guy, and want to jump his bones. You know? Is that unrealistic? It sounds silly, but we're told that you settle into this comfortableness with a spouse, or that it isn't always going to be wonderful, or whatever- and I know all that crap- I've been married for 19 years! It's just that something is gone, even when we have a good day, even when I feel good, even when we, well, you know. We've been having problems for a few years, we almost separated last year and decided to try, it's been pretty hopeless for a long time and then all of a sudden I started feeling good about things- and I realized some things about myself, and he's trying really hard- so I thought we were getting somewhere good- but it's still missing, the love I thought was supposed to be there. And so am I crazy for thinking that something's not right because I can't find that chemistry or spark or passion for him? And it's not going to change with time, trying crazy positions in the sack, or having a heart to heart, flowers and dinner, or anything like that- because we tried all that. And try not to be too pessimistic, people!
Posted on 05/29/07, 06:05 pm |
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Hi I have been in your shoes. When I was in mid 30s our daughters were in teens, I use to cry and say to myself whats going to happen when the girls are all grown up & we are alone?? He was a sweet gentle guy, I ended up leaving him because the great love of my life showed up late. Even though I loved him with all my heart and soul but we could not get along (something I did so well with my exhusband)and now I am just alone. I do not want to start over and still love that man. When something is missing and you can't find it sometimes its better to let go before the wrong thing happens. 
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Starluna, I am confused by your answer. You still love which man? What are you letting go of? and what wrong thing happens?
Sorry. I'm confused
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You know, I read in "Divorse Busting" that having a 6 months separation is a good idea when you are so close to divorce. At the end of the book, there is a contract you can copy which both parties sign. You sound torn and there is no easy answer. You love your husband and you want to love your husband. Does that make sense? Anyway, just a thought.
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i really don't know what to say, i feel i'm in your situation right now, i left my husband about 1 mo. ago, but i miss him, i will admit he did hit me once, pushed me a few times and was abusive in other ways. that happened about 3yrs ago, doesn't do it anymore, but i felt something was missing, i made my mistakes too, since then i feel we grew so much apart, our sex life was awful, to the point of non existent, we had been together for 15 yrs. i just wanted out of the relationship, i felt bored with it as if i didn't have that spark anymore so now i'm gone, thinking about going back, because in reality, we are not all perfect, GOD is the only perfect person, we all have a right to correct our mistakes, and to a second chance. we get along great, even now that i'm struggling with being alone etc. he worries about me, i feel like calling him when i'm sad because ironically he is the one that understands me, in a way, it's just that i feel the spark is not there anymore. so i don't know what to do. i've heard love get's that way in the long run, it's a different kind of love where there is more understanding, getting along well, than feeling all that excitement as in the beginning. so i don't know what to tell you. good luck.
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Lupita, your relationship sounds like it's over and that you just hang on because it's what's comfortable and that's what you know. From what you wrote it seems like there isn't a lot there between you to hang on to. You need to let go of a man who would hit you, even if he hasn't done it in a while, you deserve better, honey.
We have thought of separating, but it's not easy to do with kids involved. It would make sense to try it to see if it would save us, but then it doesn't make sense to put the kids through all of that if we'll just end up together anyway, but then we will probably end up apart if we don't try something- so it's kind of this wierd circle of excuses that I don't know how to negotiate my way out of. But the main jist of the question is: Is expecting to have this great love with your spouse unrealistic? Is it crazy to think that we deserve to be wanted and cherished and to look at our spouses with this fire in our eyes or is that just silly? Am I expecting too much from marriage, from my spouse, from myself? I know that something is missing, and I've tried everything I could to see if it was me, to see if it was him, but it all points to us- and to how I feel about him. He's okay with a mediocre relationship, to wander through the days just getting things done. I feel like I deserve more. Does it even exist? Is it possible or just a crazy dream?
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