Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Hi, I'm new here and I'm also recently separated from my husband. I guess I just need to talk to people who are going through what I'm going through because talking to people who don't understand the way I'm feeling is not helping and its also frustrating at times even though I know they have the best intentions.

To tell you a little bit about my story, he was and still is the love of my life. We were together for four years, and married for two. I had one other serious boyfriend before him and that relationship lasted 3 years. The way I felt about my husband was something I've never felt before. I believe still that we are soul mates. So, you might be wondering why I left him.

It was a unique relationship. It was the best relationship and the worst relationship at the same time. When things were good, they were amazing. When things were bad, they were horrible. It got to the point where it became an abusive relationship. It started with just arguing all of the time, but even though we argued we were still crazy about each other. When hurtful things were said, we knew they were being said with the intention of hurting and that it wasn't really how we felt about each other.

Eventually, the arguing got worse and it was harder to tell if the things that were said were true feelings or just lashing out. We began to grow a little bit apart and started losing that crazy about each other feeling.

One night he was physically abusive to me when I confronted him about his infidelity and I left and stayed with a friend for a few days. During that time, he admitted that he had cheated on me by means of a one night stand about a year prior. I still went back to him, but I was devastated.

I had always been 110% faithful to him, I was head over heels for him, and I didnt even notice anyone else when we were together. It was the most painful time of my life to find out that he had cheated. I never fully recovered from it, even though I tried my hardest.

The fighting, the discovery of his infidelity started to wear me down. Then I started catching him in lies all of the time, and trying to hide things from me. One day I found naked pictures of his ex in his desk at his work. Another time, he refused to let me into his office because he had pictures from a vacation that he went on that he didnt want me to see. I still dont know what the pictures were of.

I feel like he broke me. I feel like I was pure before our relationship, and I feel like our relationship has ruined me.

It got worse. One time he "accidentally" put my head through a wall. I left him to stay with my friend again. Anyway, I left him numerous times before this time. This is the longest I have ever been away. Ive been gone for almost 4 months.

The time that I left him before this time, I thought was the last. I was gone for three weeks. Things had gotten to a really bad place between us. Towards the end of that 3 weeks I ended up having sex with a friend of mine that I've known for a very long time who was there for me. I felt like the worst person in the world over it. I couldn't believe that I did something like that. (sidenote--including that friend I've been with 3 people...the 3 year boyfriend before my husband, my husband, and then the friend).

Anyway, after that I felt like I should go home. I told my husband about it about a month after I went home. I couldnt take the guilt. My husband told me that if I had been home with him the day that I told him he wouldnt have been able to have helped himself from killing me. And even after he cooled down he stood by that remark. Anyway, he needed a few days to cool off and then figured that since i forgave him for cheating on me, he would forgive me too.

Anyway, of course, my husband and I had another fight and i was so angry at him that I talked to my friend that I slept with on the computer. My husband saw that I had been talking to him that day and threatened me with a shotgun, pointing it at me. Thats when I knew it was over.

I realize that I was wrong to cheat on him while I was away. And I realize that I should have not talked to the guy ever again, but I did. And quite frankly I put up with a lot more from him than that. Two weeks later I left him and I've been gone about 4 months.

I just cant help but be in love with him. At first I was happy to be gone. It felt like a weight lifted. But the past month or so Ive been feeling so miserable over him. I miss him, I think about all the good times, I think about all the god things, I think about the way I felt when I was with him, I think about the way it felt to wake up in the morning to someone.I've been so weak.

I even broke down and told him that I love him and I miss him and I Want him back. But he acts like I'm a whore and a liar and I'm to blame for everything and that he doesnt want me back. He blames me for all of our financial problems...even though I never spent any of the money... I was never allowed. He opened a business that failed and he blames me for it failing because i guess i was supposed to do all of the work myself.

Anyway, despite everything and how it looks and sounds, I keep thinking to myself that it couldnt have been that bad because im so in love with him. there had to be something right. I'm terrified to be okay with not being with him. I dont want to be happy without him in my life. Is that strange? I feel like I'm losing a part of myself.
Posted on 03/31/08, 04:03 pm