Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the ending of a marriage before the death of either spouse. The main causes of divorce in 2004, according to a recent study, were extra-marita...
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How do I move on?
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Married 16 years; but separated for the last 10 months or so... There was no abuse; no infidelity, I left because I felt there was no love in the marriage. I wanted there to be, but just didn't feel there was. While my wife will admit something was missing, she never thought I'd leave. But leave I did. I was crushed, but felt I really didn't have a choice. I felt that if I was to feel so empty and alone, I might as well be alone.
So after I left, my wife was distraught. At seeing this I was overcome with feelings of guilt and shame at bringing this pain on her. I felt how could I do this to her. And felt that I could never look her in the face again. Unfortunately, a relationship with a female friend that I had confided in became more that it should have. Quite simply, I really appreciated the attention. My wife knew about this relationship and with it ended, seemed wiling to work past it. Off and on, we tried for several months to work things out. But to her trying meant I was required to repeatedly apologize and walk around in shame. I did this and should have. But, she was unwilling to discuss the problems that led to the separation in the first place. And even after I found out she was seeing someone herself, I wanted to work things out. She has acted the whole time as if the marriage was hers and hers alone. As in how could I take her marriage away from her? She has never outwardly considered that I lost something here; that maybe she had a hand in it all too. Anyway, we've not talked to each other for about a month now. Practically, speaking, I can understand that it's over. And I know I need to move on, but emotionally, I am stuck. I just can't seem to move on. Posted on 01/31/07, 05:01 pm |
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I think the best thing you can realize and learn from this is you can not and will not change a person, their perspective, or behavior. They can change themselves, but criticism, fighting, talking nonstop doesn't help, lol. All you can do is work on you, so I recommend that you focus on that 100%, you won't regret it. The relationship can improve through happiness... if you are happy, she might see you in a different way, she might change, you might see her in a different way, lol. Things fall apart because the person assumes they must change their spouse, it is an endless and hopeless battle that leaves you fatigued and far too busy with conflict and bitterness to find your own happiness in life. Practice saying to yourself "not going to change her..." and work on you. Find out what would make you happy in life, take chances, face your fears, seek therapy (for you, not couples therapy), figure out your interests and instead of investing your energy on fixing the marriage, her... invest it on fixing yourself, having fun, living life. Once you are happy then look at the relationship... as she responded to this change in you? Does she feel happy too, is she changing too? Does she feel threatened?
You are so busy trying to find someone who makes you happy (we all fall into that) you never took the time to say "hey... who better to make me happy than me?" The best time to make decisions about your life, to do it in a healthy way, to know what your spouse truly wants from you... the best time is when you are happy... not confused, ashamed, and miserable. Take a chance and stay away from the ladies, lol. Affairs, outside relationships... are just a false sense of happiness, that is a way that you tell yourself "I can't be happy on my own, I need someone to make me happy or confirm my worth..." You don't need someone else to do that and you need to take the time to prove it to yourself. Don't sit around all by yourself saying "I am lonely (sigh)†Take a chance, stand up... go try new things, find things that bring your joy. If you stay in your marriage you will be happy (as long as she responds well… however don’t ignore or neglect the relationship, most people don’t respond well to that, hehe… just be reasonable with your time and even tell her what you are doing and why you are doing it “I just want to see if I am capable of making myself happy, lolâ€) but if you choose to leave then with this new happiness you are more likely to find a relationship right for you. Give yourself time to work on you, take your focus off of her and look at you. It isn't about blame, it is about being too damn tired to fight anymore and you know damn well that you can change yourself and make yourself happy, not so exhausting... lol. 
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hey my wife finally left me after numerous attempts to change me,I am the one who made more mistakes but she has her share.It has not even been 2 weeks yet
but i have to learn to move on also because she has had a lot more time to prepare for this.what chelle temple is kind of what i am working on as far as learning to love my self,Imy father can understand that she is done & I need to work on me.We have 2 girls but I hurt for so long & whave no self confidence that I drank abused alchol for 21 years,at the end here i am a alcholic(have not touched one since)but I want to straighten me out first.It would be much nicer w/ her by my side but I am 1 chance to late.Work on yourself even if it it the hardest thing to do because you need to live w/ you for the rest of your life & no one else.It is killing me but I take it a little at a time & start theropy this week which was something I was scared of because I had face reality(don't care for the pain in reality)I also plan on taking scuba lessons some I always wanted to but just didn't.I pulled my bike out of the attic &look foward to finding new advetures.
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