Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the ending of a marriage before the death of either spouse. The main causes of divorce in 2004, according to a recent study, were extra-marita...
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The crap never stops
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I am so mad at the moment - need to vent. Okay so he hasn't called since Christmas - called the kids tonight to wish them a Happy New Year - guess better late than never - but these are his decisions, his choices.
A week ago I sent an email my daughter has a tournament coming up - I emailed for money - I cannot afford the $500 for the weekend that these cost - we've been separated for 6 months - he continues to pay the mortgage, car loan - I pay for all other household bills, I have both kids at home - so groceries and pocket money when its needed - I hand out - he makes 3 x what I do in a month - besides the mortgage and car loan - and the tournament money - I have asked for nothing, nor do I guet any other support for the kids. I've heard nothing back from him tournament is coming up on the 11th of January - so as he is talking to my daughter tonight he says ask your mom of $300 will be okay - well it really isn't - so I guess I'll borrow some from my parents and pay them back. All I said to my daughter was - why can't Dad talk to me about this - she gets pissed off at me - and I'm perceived to be the bitch in all of this. I'm not mad at her - I'm mad at him - why does he feel it necesary to bring her into the middle of this when money is involved. Not one time in 6 months have I brought the kids into the middle of any of this - I have made a concerted effort not to say anything negative about him. I continue to remind the kids to call him, etc. But here I sit - my daughter is pissed at me - and you know what - this is not my fault. Posted on 01/02/08, 11:01 pm |
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Because he is using the kids as a way to manipulate you. My X did this constantly, would tell the kids that he doesn't want to talk to me, would refuse to take my calls, and pass messages back and forth. It's a form of degrading you and keeping you down. Try setting it up with the lawyers he isn't allowed to do that although the papers are only as good as the enforcement. I had it in my papers he and his new wife were not allowed to say anything bad about me in front of my kids and yet they constantly would have them in tears and could never get any legal satisfaction about it. Too hard to enforce they would say.
BIG TIP in terms of drawing up visitation hours. My kids were teenagers and were supposed to be able to visit me any time they wanted, what their father promised them, but once the divorce was finalized, that promise disappeared and they were forced to follow the visitation hours. I never thought about the two holidays that are primarily night time holidasy, 4th of July and New Years Eve. Even though my kids were teenagers my X would not let them stay out until fireworks or after midnight for NYE, he forced them to come home at the normal time of 10 o'clock. So make sure you have special hours set up for those holidays! 
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Okay. seems to me whichever daughter it is, she is old enough to have a discussion with. First I commend you for not sayng anything bad about him. Children no matter their age, need to feel they are loved by both parents and important to both parents.
Second, I'd sit her down and explain the current arrangement and finances to her. In fact I would have done that immediately so there would be "no surprises." Explain things will be very tight, etc. And you know what, everybody has to make sacrifices when circumstances change. Lay the finances out and ask her where the money will come from?
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"Dr" JSS,
Are you shitting me? You're recommending that the mother get the daughter involved in the finances between the husband and the wife? I call bullshit.
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I've been separated for 6 months - my kids are 17 and 20 - my 20 year old gives me $100 every two weeks for board and helps around the house, does chores - those things his dad used to do. He started an apprenticeship position today - so he's taking a drop in his pay - but the payoff for his future at this point in time is good for him - so the $100 he gave me will probably not be there - he has to buy a car. My daughter works part time and uses her money for her social activities - both my children no what a tough time I'm having financially at this point in time. It is not their place to be involved with what he gives me for her support - being 17 he is required by law to support her - in Ontario he would be paying up to $400 per month - on top of half her sporing activities. I work full time - always have, and have always contributed financially for the first 10 years we were married i was the major bread winner - supported him to chase his dreams - medical benefits are paid thru my employment. I am not asking for much. He drives long haul - he has come to see his kids 4 x in 6 months - visitation is up to them - and I encourage it because no matter what he is their dad. Whenhe comes up to see them - I leave so that they have their own time. My main concern is, that this is not about the kids - this is between the two of us as parents - all I ask is that he not bring her into it and play her off on me -that's not fair to any of us.
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he is using the kids, and you should have said very calmly, no it's not ok, i don't have the other 200.00. so i'm sorry honey you can't go. you have to set that boundry. kids get disappointed in life, we hate to see it and hate even more to be part of it, but he is playing you like a fiddle. at some point, when things are good between you and your daughter you need to tell her the agreement, he pays the mortgage and car payment and tournament payments. so if the money is short on the tournaments there is nothing you can do about it. stand your ground or he is going to keep doing it to you.
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I think you probably screwed up -- inadvertantly -- by saying, "why can't Dad talk to me about this".
To her, that probably felt like YOU were involving her in it just as much as he was!!!! You WERE being critical of him, when you said that!!! Not overtly, perhaps, but the implication was certainly clear!! It might not have made her as mad, had you said, "I'll call him very soon and talk to him about it." So, to a certain extent, I think it IS partly your fault. But you do realize, don't you, that YOU are catching a lot of the heat because you are the one who is THERE!!!? You are the 'safe target'. Dad's already being sorely missed. To direct the anger at him would be to risk alienating him even further!!! It's not fair to you, by any means, and it must hurt like Hell but, unfortunately, this is extremely typical. Hang in there!!! My heart goes out to you!!!!! I wish the day were already here when you won't have to deal with this stuff!!!! Take care!!!
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I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Here is what I would do. I would tell my child that I simply cannot afford to pay for the camp period. Thats just the way it is, and it sucks. She then has a choice; she can ask her dad for $ or pick up a few more hours at work on the weekend.
Good Luck.
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i am so sorry. you are in a difficult situation. can you talk to the teacher/coach and see if the school has any scholarship funds available? i think that it is not bad to plan finances with children, but it would be best to keep it separate from the current issue. your daughter is probably angry about the divorce and is close enough to you to vent with you, rather than her father. I, too, think that you are to be highly commended for doing what is best for your children and keeping adult topics with the parents. Is there is anyway to initiate communication instead of waiting when he calls--letters? email?
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It sounds like you need to get some of your financial agreements in legal form. Until you have a legally enforceable agreement you will be constantly negotiating every little thing and he will continue to use the children as pawns. It may seem like a better deal to have him carry the car/house payments and you deal with the other items but it limits what you can do with the funds. With support at least you have some flexibility. I have to also agree that you probably shouldn't have made the comment about why he couldn't just talk to you. You are trying so hard to keep the kids out of this, and good for you, but that comment was a dig at your stbx. The suggestion made above was good, just say you will talk to him. Don't even respond to what he asked via your daughter. Good luck and I am sorry you are feeling so frustrated.
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