Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Well here I am it's been a couple of days - been very busy - this is the first night since last Friday, I've actually been home - and I HATE IT!!! I'm struggling this very moment, Friday night of the first long weekend of the season - and here I sit alone. My daughter working - my son and GF getting ready to go out and then going camping for the weekend in the morning. My mom and dad are away, my sister lives 2 hours away and most friends are married so busy with their own families - I just feel so alone, so sad - doesn't help it's getting overcast and I can feel the rain coming in - just like my tears.

I just want to phone him and tell him to f... you! But I'm sure he's with the GF enjoying his new life - damn him anyways. I hate feeling anger, hate towards him but I can't help it at this moment - I'm so angry!

I put my life on hold - 21 years - being the parent, the wife - and what do I have to show for it - I get to sit at home by myself with the damn dog. Can anone say pity party.

It was a day from hell at work - most Friday's on a long weekend are though - and we were very short staffed - so that doesn't help my moods.

I keep arguing with myself - if I was more this, more that maybe he would've stayed - perhaps if he was more of a man - he wouldn't have run out on the best thing he's ever had!

I just want to scream, my god when does this stop - I start feeling good about myself and then it just comes over like awet blanket the sadness, the hurt - I'm so tired of it. What did I do to deserve this. Why am I so obsessed with this. Why can't I just let it go.

One of my clients today - has been through this - she told me to hang in - it really does get better - I keep hearing reassuring words - am I expecting too much too soon, I don't konw, but I am tired - I am truly tired of all the responsiblility, the guilt, the blame - my heart feels so heavy.

Why do I feel this way - when I'm not a horrible person - I am really very kind, loving, the absolute worst thing I've ever done was mismanage money - for that he can't forgive me.

My god what a selfish man he is - he can't see that I supported him, and never judged him for trouble that he got into 21 years ago - he had a criminal record - I've kept that secret from my parents for 21 damn years - I thought he was a better man that that - I never once thru that in his face - and believe me his past actions caused hardship on us, his wife and familu,. we were limited we could not go to the states as a family - only when he decided to drive long haul when he got his waiver could he go - but it was all for ohim. My family told me that I deserved better that i settled - perhaps i did - but I have two great kids - I have no regrets - but damn it - for this all to be over money when he could have stepped in and helped or taken over - but it gets thrown in my face its my fault.

It does really get lonely - in my coversation with the laywer's office - they asked me if I was seeing anyone - I said no - she said good - but what difference does that make - it's no fault - doesn't really matter does it in the long run. I just don't seem to attract much in the male variety - how said is that - OMG this is really a pity part because believe me I'm no way near being involved in another relationship - I guess I just want to feel attractive - I just want to feel someone's arms around me - squeezing me and reassuring me that everything will be okay - I just want to be taken care of, I just want to be loved for a brief moment, a moment that's all.
Posted on 05/16/08, 07:05 pm