Breakups & Divorce Support Group

This weekend the headstone for my stillborn daughter was set and put in place. I went to decorate and one of the persons who went with me made a comment that the ex-fiancee should be there to see the stone and help decorate the grave. I didn't tell the ex that the headstone was in place. I did not want him there for what I considered was MY time to honor MY baby. I was told that I was wrong to not tell him. Maybe I am; but from my point of view, he never quite understood why this death affected me the way it did, and I would hate to have told him my plans to see the headstone and decorate only for him to behave as though it was no big deal. Now, however, I am wondering if I am wrong to not let him know. A little background on this may be helpful before any advice is given.

First off, losing my child that way was the most traumatic episode of my life. The ex-fiancee, on the other hand, could not understand why. His ex-wife had two miscarriages (before 12 weeks) and they did not have funerals or bury those babies. His ex-wife grieved and so he was willing to make concessions that maybe these things effect women on a more emotional level than they do men (I don't know - it is what he said). He kept comparing my behavior to his ex-wife's. Evidently she healed quicker than I did and he felt I was hanging on for sympathy purposes. I also have had miscarriages before and I grieved but this was different. Please understand, I am not taking anything away from anyone who has grieved a miscarriage - I am talking about MY personal experience. I saw that baby, I held her and she was completely and beautifully formed. On top of that because of infertility issues which make conception highly improbable, that particular baby was an answer to a prayer and I believed she had Divine Protection. When she died, I couldn't make sense of it. Then there is the issue of my age. At 40, it was time to stop playing games with my health for the sake of wanting another child. I had determined that after this baby, I would have the surgery my doctor was recommending which would prevent me from having future children. My baby did not die to to complications from my infertility issues, I developed an infection which got trapped in the placenta, the doctor said it was merely a case of "bad luck". Hence, from my viewpoint, she was not only the answer to a prayer but also a last chance for another child, and her death could have been easily prevented with antibiotics so it made no sense to me. Not only did I lose a child, but the faith I had in my God had failed me, I felt responsible for not pursuing better medical care AND there were no second chances. My ex did not grasp the impact of all that and did not know how to be more supportive and grew increasingly frustrated. After about 3 months, he started distancing himself from me and doing things he should have kept away from. Maybe it was his way of dealing with the situation. He even told people that it couldn't work between us because I had problems. Anyway, I tried to talk to him about this and he refused to hear me out or discuss it at all. He told me that if I thought about it, it would depress me so I should stop thinking about it. How do you control your thoughts? Even though you can supress them, they sneak up on you at the edges of your mind and in this case, it was an all day, every day event - I thought about it constantly. Anyway, this was a major contributing factor to ending our engagement.

So should I let him know about the headstone? or will it bring up painful memories for him that he would rather not deal with? or worse yet, will he see it as my way of trying to force him back into my life? We no longer speak and haven't for some months and I have no desire to talk to him; but I can let a third party know to give him the news. I just am not sure if it is appropriate. Without it being so personal, my own advice would be to let him know; but living it, things become much more cloudy.
Posted on 12/24/07, 11:12 am