Bipolar Disorder Support Group

I've been jumpy over the past year, but it comes in spurts.

If someone pokes me when i'm not expecting it, I will scream at the top of my lungs and run half way across the house before I realize it was nothing.

If someone sneaks up behind me (well even just walks up normally) I will jump and when I realize it was just someone I know trying to tell me it's time to go or something, I will collapse with relief. I sometimes start crying but I try to pretend i'm laughing. All this happens inside of a second or two. But i'm shaken up for the next few mins.

I feel so disconnected from the real world so much right now. I keep running to the mirror to see myself. Just to see. I don't know, I feel like my face won't be mine anymore one of these times. I keep trying to look at myself to sort of solidify what I look like to myself. Or I feel like i'll be kinda see though, physically only half in this world just like my mind.

I am so shaken up. I get angry because no one learns that certain things scare the living daylights out of me, and it's pretty obvious I think. You'd think they'd learn not to poke me or talk about bugs and then brush their fingers over my arm. And when I want to cry I get angry. But when i'm really angry i end up crying.

Each time I get scared, all the energy and breath drains out of me. All willpower and motivation.

I feel horrible. And to think I was doing so well yesterday. I don't know what to do. I've already given my parents a note about finding anotehr Pdoc and a few other things, but I get this sickening feeling they've lost it. Or they've forgotten it. Or they want to thnk about the decision for another month or five.

I can't bear to speak up. It takes all the energy out of me.


Anyone else experience this? How do you deal with it?
Posted on 06/08/08, 12:06 am